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.. meta::
   :PG.Id: 39202
   :PG.Title: Ever Heard This?
   :PG.Released: 2012-03-19
   :PG.Rights: Public Domain
   :PG.Producer: Al Haines
   :DC.Creator: \F. \W. Chambers
   :DC.Title: Ever Heard This?
              Over Three Hundred Good Stories
   :DC.Language: en
   :DC.Created: 1916
   :coverpage: images/img-cover.jpg

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================
EVER HEARD THIS?
================

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   | EVER HEARD THIS?

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   | OVER THREE HUNDRED GOOD STORIES

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   | BY

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   | F. W. CHAMBERS

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   | THIRD EDITION
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   | METHUEN & CO. LTD.
   | 36 ESSEX STREET W.C.
   | LONDON
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   |   First Published ...... October 27th 1916
   |   Second Edition ...... November 1916
   |   Third Edition ...... December 1916
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.. contents:: CONTENTS
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   :backlinks: entry

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   | EVER HEARD THIS?
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WHAT HE WANTED
==============

A lover and his lass sought a secluded lane,
but to their disgust a small boy arrived there
too.  Said the lover:

"Here's a penny.  Go and get some sweets."

"I don't want any sweets."

"Well, here's a shilling.  Run away."

"I don't want a shilling."

"Then here's half a crown."

"I don't want half a crown."

"Well, what do you want?"

"I want to watch."




HIS CHOICE
==========

A little boy, who had had some insight into
the disposal of surplus kittens, on being shown
his mother's newly arrived twins, laid his
finger on that which struck his fancy, and
said, "That's the one I'll have kept."




NOT IN THE REGULATIONS
======================

A raw Highlander from a northern depot
was put on guard at the C.O.'s tent.  In the
morning the Colonel looked out, and though
he prided himself on knowing all his men the
sentry's face was unfamiliar.

"Who are you?" he asked.

"A'am fine, thank ye," was the reply, "an'
hoo's yerself?"




CHEAP TALK
==========

Jones was proud of his virtues.  "Gentlemen,
for twenty years I haven't touched whisky,
cards, told a lie, done an unkind deed, or
smoked, or sworn," he said.

"By Jove!  I wish I could say that," Brown
exclaimed enviously.

"Well, why don't you?" said a mutual
friend.  "Jones did."




SWEET ARE THE USES OF ADVERTISEMENT
===================================

A Scot and a minister were in a train
together travelling through a lovely part of
Scotland.

Beautiful scenery--mountains, dales, rivers,
and all the glories of Nature.  When passing
a grand mountain they saw a huge advertisement
for So-and-So's whisky.

The Scot gave a snort of disgust.  The
minister leant forward and said, "I'm glad
to see, sir, that you agree with me, that they
should not be allowed to desecrate the beauties
of Nature by advertisement."

"It's no' that, sir," said the Scot bitterly,
"it's rotten whusky."




A CANDID CRITIC
===============

Bishop Blomfield, having forgotten his
written sermon, once preached *ex tempore*, for
the first and only time in his life, choosing as
his text "The fool hath said in his heart,
There is no God."  On his way home he asked
one of his congregation how he liked the
discourse.  "Well, Mr. Blomfield," replied
the man, "I liked the sermon well enough,
but I can't say I agree with you; I think
there be a God!"




WHAT'S IN A NAME
================

A lawyer who was sometimes forgetful,
having been engaged to plead the cause of
an offender, began by saying: "I know the
prisoner at the bar, and he bears the character
of being a most consummate and impudent
scoundrel."  Here somebody whispered to him
that the prisoner was his client, when he
immediately continued: "But what great and
good man ever lived who was not calumniated
by many of his contemporaries?"




WHY BROWN LEFT
==============

Mr. Brown expressed to his landlady his
pleasure in seeing her place a plate of scraps
before the cat.  "Oh, yes, sir," she replied.
"Wot I says, Mr. Brown, is, be kind to the
cats, and yer'll find it saves yer 'arf the
washin'-up."




AN ASS'S SHADOW
===============

A foolish fellow went to the parish priest,
and told him, with a very long face, that he
had seen a ghost.  "When and where?"
said the pastor.  "Last night," replied the
timid man, "I was passing by the church, and
up against the wall of it, did I behold the
spectre."  "In what shape did it appear?"
replied the priest.  "It appeared in the shape
of a great ass."  "Go home and say not a word
about it," rejoined the pastor; "you are a
very timid man, and have been frightened by
your own shadow."




GRACE
=====

A precocious child found the long graces
used by his father before and after meals very
tedious.  One day, when the week's provisions
had been delivered, he said, "I think, father,
if you were to say grace over the whole lot at
once, it would be a great saving of time."




MISUNDERSTOOD
=============

A farmer in the neighbourhood of Doncaster
was thus accosted by his landlord: "John, I
am going to raise your rent."  John replied,
"Sir, I am very much obliged to you, for I
cannot raise it myself."




TRUMPS
======

Ayrton, Charles Lamb's friend, only made
one joke in his life; it was this.  Lamb had
his usual Wednesday-evening gathering, and
Martin Burney and the rest were playing at
whist.  Ayrton contented himself with looking
on.  Presently he said to Burney, in an undertone,
the latter not being notorious for his love
of soap and water, "Ah!  Martin, if dirt were
trumps, what hands you'd hold!"




THE STUTTERER
=============

An old woman received a letter from the
post-office at New York.  Not knowing how to
read and being anxious to know the contents,
supposing it to be from one of her absent sons,
she called on a person near to read it to her.
He accordingly began and read: "Charleston,
June 23rd.  Dear Mother"--then making a
stop to find out what followed (as the writing
was rather bad), the old lady exclaimed: "Oh,
'tis my poor Jerry, he always stuttered!"




PRESENT AND FUTURE
==================

A rude young fellow seeing an aged hermit
going by him barefoot said, "Father, you are
in a miserable condition if there is not another
world."  "True, son," said the hermit, "but
what is thy condition if there is?"




THE VOICE OF IGNORANCE
======================

A London girl visited the country on May
Day.  She came to a pond whose shallows
were full of tadpoles--thousands and
thousands of little black tadpoles flopping about
in an inch of mud and water.  "Oh," she said,
"look at the tadpoles!  And to think that
some day every one of the horrid, wriggling
things will be a beautiful butterfly!"




A PASSOVER STORY
================

A member of an impecunious family having
hurried off to the Continent to avoid the
importunities of his creditors, a celebrated
wit remarked, "It is a pass-over that will
not be much relished by the Jews."




EXTRAORDINARY COMPROMISE
========================

At Durham assizes a deaf old lady, who had
brought an action for damages against a
neighbour, was being examined, when the
judge suggested a compromise, and instructed
counsel to ask what she would take to settle
the matter.  "His lordship wants to know
what you will take?" asked the learned
counsel, bawling as loud as ever he could in
the old lady's car.  "I thank his lordship
kindly," answered the ancient dame; "and
if it's no illconwenience to him, I'll take a
little warm ale!"




BARBER SHAVED BY A LAWYER
=========================

"Sir," said a barber to an attorney who was
passing his door, "will you tell me if this
is a good half-sovereign?"  The lawyer,
pronouncing the piece good, deposited it in
his pocket, adding, with gravity, "If you'll send
your lad to my office, I'll return the three and
fourpence."




A GOOD PUN
==========

Sir G. Rose, the great punster, on observing
someone imitating his gait, said, "You have
the stalk without the rose."




SOMETHING LIKE AN INSULT
========================

The late Judge C---- one day had occasion
to examine a witness who stuttered very much
in delivering his testimony.  "I believe," said
his Lordship, "you are a very great rogue."
"Not so great a rogue as you, my lord,
t-t-t-takes me to be."




THE UNWELCOME GUEST
===================

A man who was fond of visiting his friends
and outstaying his welcome had been cordially
received by a Quaker who treated him with
attention and politeness for some days.  At
last his host said, "My friend, I am afraid thee
wilt never visit me again."  "Oh, yes, I shall,"
he replied.  "I have enjoyed my visit very
much; I will certainly come again."  "Nay,"
said the Quaker, "I think thee wilt not visit
me again."  "What makes you think I shall
not come again?" asked the visitor.  "If
thee does never leave," said the Quaker, "how
canst thee come again?"




A LOST BALANCE
==============

A celebrated wit coming from a bank which
had been obliged to close its doors, slipped
down the steps into the arms of a friend.

"Why, what's the matter?" said the latter.

"Oh," was the quick reply, "I've only lost
my balance."




A BAD CROP
==========

After a long drought, there fell a torrent of
rain: and a country gentleman observed to
Sir John Hamilton, "This is a most delightful
rain; I hope it will bring up everything out
of the ground."  "By Jove, sir," said Sir John,
"I hope not; for I have buried three wives."




NEGATIVES AND POSITIVES
=======================

Mr. Pitt was discoursing at a Cabinet dinner
on the energy and beauty of the Latin language.
In support of the superiority which he affirmed
it to have over the English, he asserted that
two negatives made a thing more positive
than one affirmative possibly could.  "Then,"
said Thurlow, "your father and mother must
have been two complete negatives to make such
a positive fellow as you are!"




JAW-ACHE
========

"Why, you have never opened your mouth
this session," said Sir Thomas Lethbridge to
Mr. Gye; replied Mr. Gye, "Your speeches
have made me open it very frequently.  My
jaws have ached with yawning."




HER PROGRAMME
=============

Jane had asked for an evening off to go
to her first dance.  Returning at a very early
hour, she was asked by her master whether
she had enjoyed herself.  "No, indeed, sir,"
she replied, "I was most insulted."  "How
was that, Jane?"  "I 'adn't been there very
long, sir, when a young man comes up and
hactually hasks whether my programme was
full.  And I'd only 'ad two sandwiches."




THE PROUD FATHER
================

"Shure an' it's married Oi am!" said Pat
to an old friend he had not seen for a long
time.  "You don't mane it?"  "Faith, an'
it's true.  An' Oi've got a fine healthy bhoy,
an' the neighbours say he's the very picture
of me."  "Och, niver moind what they say,"
said Mick.  "What's the harm so long as the
child is healthy."




A MIRACLE
=========

An Irish parson of the old school, in whom a
perception of the ridiculous was developed
with a Rabelaisian breadth of appreciation,
was asked by a clodhopper to explain the
meaning of a miracle.  "Walk on a few paces
before me," said his reverence, which having
done the peasant was surprised to feel in the
rear a kick, administered with decided energy.
"What did you do that for?" demanded the
young man angrily.  "Simply to illustrate
my meaning," replied the cleric blandly; "if
you had not felt it, it would have been a
miracle."




KEEPING TIME
============

A gentleman at a musical party asked a
friend, in a whisper, how he should stir the
fire without interrupting the music.
"Between the bars," replied the friend.




QUESTION AND ANSWER
===================

A Quaker was examined before the Board
of Excise, respecting certain duties; the
commissioners thinking themselves disrespectfully
treated by his theeing and thouing,
one of them with a stern countenance asked
him--"Pray, sir, do you know what we sit
here for?"--"Yea," replied Nathan, "I do;
some of thee for a thousand, and others for
seventeen hundred and fifty pounds a year."




MOTHER'S JAM POTS
=================

"Willy, why were you not at school
yesterday?" asked the teacher.

"Please, mum," answered the absentee,
"Muvver made marmalade yesterday and
she sent me to the cemetery."

"What on earth for?"

"To collect some jam pots, mum."




WISDOM
======

A country clergyman, meeting a neighbour,
who never came to church, although an old
fellow above sixty, reproved him on that
account, and asked if he ever read at home?
"No," replied the man, "I can't read."  "I
dare say," said the clergyman, "you don't
know who made you."  "Not I, in troth,"
said the countryman.  A little boy coming
by at the time, "Who made you, child?" said
the parson.  "God, sir," answered the boy.
"Why, look you there," quoth the honest
parson.  "Are you not ashamed to hear a
child of five or six years old tell me who made
him, when you, that are so old a man, cannot?"
"Ah!" said the countryman.  "It is no wonder
that he should remember; he was made but
t'other day, it is a great while, master, sin' I
was made."




WHY NOT?
========

Jimmy giggled when the teacher read the
story of the man who swam across the Tiber
three times before breakfast.

"You do not doubt that a trained swimmer
could do that, do you?"

"No, sir," answered Jimmy, "but I wonder
why he did not make it four and get back to
the side where his clothes were."




THE OLD FARMER
==============

An old farmer lay so dangerously ill that
the doctor gave no hope of recovery.

Whilst lying in an apparently semi-conscious
state, he suddenly opened his eyes, and
said to his wife, who was watching by his
bedside: "Mary, that's a nice smell, it's just
like a ham cooking.  I almost think I could
eat a little, if it is cooked."

The reply was, "Thee get on with the
dying, that ham is for the funeral."




ANY CHANGE FOR THE BETTER
=========================

In the course of the play one of the characters
had to say to a very plain actor, "My lord,
you change countenance"; whereupon a
young fellow in the pit cried, "For heaven's
sake, let him!"




TACT
====

Little Jimmy had been sent early to bed,
but he could not sleep.  Presently he called
out to his mother in plaintive tones, "Mummy,
bring me a glass of water, I'm so thirsty."  No
reply being vouchsafed him, he repeated
his request after a short interval.  And this
time received an abrupt answer, "If you don't
be quiet I'll come up to slap you."  Suddenly
a thought struck him and still in plaintive
voice he cried, "Mummy, when you come to
slap me, bring me a glass of water."




THE RETORT RUDE
===============

A young dude (with a monocle) and very
irregular features while travelling by train was
at first much amused by the grimaces of a boy
who was sitting facing him.  The boy,
however, was obviously laughing at him so the dude
asked him if he could share the joke.

"Joke!" said the boy, "it's your face I'm
laughing at."

"Well, I can't help my face, can I?"

"No," replied the boy, leaving the train,
"but you *could* stay at home."




THE QUAKER AND HIS HORSE
========================

A man once went to purchase a horse of a
Quaker.  "Will he draw well?" asked the
buyer.  "Thee wilt be pleased to see him
draw."  The bargain was concluded, and the
farmer tried the horse, but he would not stir
a step.  He returned and said, "That horse
will not draw an inch."  "I did not tell thee
that it would draw, friend, I only remarked
that it would please thee to see him draw, so
it would me, but he would never gratify me
in that respect."




CERTAINLY NOT ASLEEP
====================

A country schoolmaster had two pupils, to
one of whom he was partial, and to the other
severe.  One morning it happened that these
two boys were late, and were called up to
account for it.  "You must have heard
the bell, boys; why did you not come?"
"Please, sir," said the favourite, "I was
dreaming that I was going to Margate, and
I thought the school-bell was the
steamboat-bell."  "Very well," said the master, glad
of any pretext to excuse his favourite.  "And
now, sir," turning to the other, "what
have you to say?"  "Please, sir," said
the puzzled boy, "I--I--was waiting to see
Tom off!"




THE BEST JUDGE
==============

A lady said to her husband, in a friend's
presence:

"My dear, you certainly want a pair of new
trousers."  "No, I think not," replied the
husband.

"Well," interposed the friend, "I think
the lady who always wears them, ought to
know."




A THIRST FOR KNOWLEDGE
======================

"Young man," said an inquisitive old lady,
to a tram conductor, "if I put my foot on
that rail shall I receive an electric shock?"

"No, mum," he replied, "unless you place
your other foot on the overhead wire."




A SHIPWRECK
===========

An Irish fisherman passed himself off to the
captain of a ship near the coast of Ireland
as a qualified pilot.  He knew nothing of the
coast.  "This is a very dangerous shore here,"
said the captain to him, when he was on
board.  "Yes, it is, your honour," replied
the fellow.  "There are a great many
dangerous rocks about here, I believe," observed the
captain.  "Yes, there are, and," a dreadful
crash coming, "*this is one of them,*" coolly
returned the fisherman.




A SAFE CASE
===========

A briefless barrister was spending his time
at the Courts when his clerk came to him with
the news that a man was at his chambers
with a brief.  The barrister immediately
hurried from the Courts for fear the client
should escape him.  "Stop, sir, stop," cried
his clerk.  "You needn't hurry, sir, I've locked
him in."




THE WATCH MENDER
================

A private in a company of engineers
gained a certain reputation for mending his
comrades' watches.  His reputation reached
his captain's ears, who one day said to him,
"Jones, I hear you are clever at watch-mending,
here take this one of mine and see what
you can make of it."  Some few days after,
Jones took back the watch.  "Well, Jones,
how much do I owe you?"  "Three shillings,"
was the reply.  "Well, here you are, and
thank you," said the captain.  "Oh!  I
forgot," said Jones, "here are three wheels
which I had over."




THE CITY CHURCHES--AND OTHERS
=============================

"Do people ever take advantage of the
invitation to use this church for meditation
and prayer?" a City verger was once asked.
"Yes," he replied, "I catched two of 'em at
it the other day!"




HIGH PRINCIPLES
===============

A Methodist who kept a grocer's shop was
heard one day to say to his assistant, "John,
have you watered the rum?"  "Yes."  "Have
you sanded the brown sugar?"  "Yes."
"Have you damped the tobacco?"  "Yes."  "Then
come in to prayers."




THE MIXTURE AS BEFORE
=====================

A gentleman who had an Irish servant,
having stopped at an inn for several days,
desired to have the bill.  Finding a large
quantity of port placed to his servant's account
he questioned him about it.  "Please your
honour," cried Pat, "do read how many they
charge for."  "One bottle port, one ditto,
one ditto, one ditto."  "Stop, stop, stop,
master," exclaimed Paddy, "they are cheating
you.  I know I had some bottles of port,
but I did not taste a drop of their ditto."




CANNY SCOT
==========

Robbie met a neighbour smoking some fine
tobacco sent by his son in America.  He took
out his own pipe ostentatiously.  "Hae ye a
match, Sandy?" he queried.  The match was
forthcoming, but nothing more.  "I do
believe," said Robbie, "I hae left ma tobacco
at hame."  "Then," said Sandy, after a
silence, "ye micht gie me back ma match."




A NICE DISTINCTION
==================

*The Vicar* (discussing the Daylight Saving
Bill): "But why have you put the small clock
on and not the big one?"  *Old Man*: "Well,
it's like this, sir; grandfeyther's clock 'ave
been tellin' th' truth for ninety year, and I
can't find it i' my heart to make a *liar* o' he
now; but li'le clock, 'e be a German make, so
it be all right for 'e."




NOT TWO-FACED
=============

"Well, you're not two-faced anyway," said
one man who had been quarrelling with
another: "I'll say that for you."

"That's a very handsome acknowledgment,"
said the other, mollified.

"Because if you were," the first one
continued, "you wouldn't be seen with that one."




CLERICAL WIT
============

An old gentleman of eighty-four having
taken to the altar a young damsel of about
sixteen, the clergyman said to him--"The
font is at the other end of the church."  "What
do I want with the font?" said the
old gentleman.  "Oh!  I beg your pardon,"
said the clerical wit, "I thought you had
brought this child to be christened."




A COSTLY EXPERIMENT
===================

An Irishman was once brought up before a
magistrate, charged with marrying six wives.
The magistrate asked him how he could be so
hardened a villain?  "Please, your worship,"
says Paddy, "I was just trying to get a good one."




A GOOD REASON
=============

A certain minister going to visit one of his
sick parishioners, asked him how he had rested
during the night.  "Oh, wondrous ill, sir,"
replied he, "my eyes have not come together
these three nights."  "What is the reason of
that?" said the other.  "Alas! sir," says he,
"because my nose was between them."




ECONOMY IN THE STABLE
=====================

Jones, who was a student of economy,
lamented the death of his horse.  His friend
sympathised and enquired the cause.  "He
was a wonderful horse, and if he had lived
another day he would have proved a theory
I have been pursuing."  "How is that?"  "Well,
you see," replied Jones, "I reckon
that it's all nonsense about having to spend
so much on a horse's keep.  I started this one
with the ordinary feed, but gradually reduced
the quantity."  "And what did he have
yesterday?"  "Well, I'd got him down to one oat."




THE PATRIARCH
=============

Three young fellows were strolling along a
country lane, and saw approaching them a
very patriarchal-looking old man.  Thinking
to take a rise out of him, they accosted him
thus: "Hail, Father Abraham, Father Isaac,
or Father Jacob."  "Nay, my sons," the old
man replied, "I am none of these, but rather
Saul seeking his father's asses, and lo! here
have I found them."




HIGH AND LOW
============

"I expect six clergymen to dine with me
on Sunday next," said a gentleman to his
butler.  "Very good, sir," said the butler.
"Are they High Church or Low Church, sir?"  "What
on earth can that signify to you?"
asked the astonished master.  "Everything,
sir," was the reply.  "If they are High Church,
they'll drink; if they are Low Church, they'll eat!"




BEER
====

A gentleman, calling for small beer at
another gentleman's table, finding it very
hard, gave it to the servant again without
drinking.  "What!" said the master of the
house, "don't you like the beer?"  "It is not
to be found fault with," answered the other,
"for one should never speak ill of the dead."




NOT IMPORTUNATE
===============

A lady having invited a gentleman to
dinner on a particular day, he had accepted,
with the reservation, "If I am spared."
"Weel, weel," replied she, "if ye're dead,
I'll no' expect ye."




THE RELATIONSHIP OF HOG TO BACON
================================

A story of a Tudor judge is told of Sir
Nicholas Bacon, who in the time of Elizabeth
was importuned by a criminal to spare his life
on account of kinship.

"How so?" demanded the judge.

"Because my name is Hog and yours is
Bacon; and hog and bacon are so near akin
that they cannot be separated."

"Ay," responded the judge dryly, "but
you and I cannot yet be kindred--for the hog
is not bacon until it be well hanged."




UNION IS STRENGTH
=================

A country traveller was asked by the
landlord of the inn at which he had put up how he
had slept.  "Well," he replied, "union is
strength--a fact of which your inmates seem
to be unaware; for had the fleas been
unanimous last night they might have pushed
me out of bed."  "Fleas!" said the landlord,
in astonishment, "I was not aware that I had
a single one in the house."  "I don't believe
you have," retorted the traveller, "they are
all married and have uncommonly large
families."




COURTSHIP
=========

"Martha, dost thou love me?" asked a
Quaker youth of one at whose shrine his
heart's holiest feelings had been offered
up.  "Why, Seth," she answered, "we are
commanded to love one another, are we not?"  "Ay,
Martha, but dost thee regard me with
the feeling the world calls love?"  "I hardly
know what to tell thee, Seth, I have greatly
feared that my heart was an erring one.  I
have tried to bestow my love on all, but I have
sometimes thought, perhaps, that thee was
getting rather more than thy share."




TO LET
======

A gentleman, inspecting lodgings to be let,
asked the pretty girl, who showed them,
"And are you, my dear, to be let with the
lodgings?"  "No," answered she, "I am to
be let alone."




CUT AND COME AGAIN
==================

A gentleman who was on a tour, attended
by an Irish servant-man, who drove the
vehicle, was several times puzzled with the
appearance of a charge in the man's daily
account, entered as "Refreshment for the
horse, 2d."  At length he asked Dennis about
it.  "Och! sure," said he, "it's whipcord it is!"




THE THOUGHTFUL PATIENT
======================

A Scotch minister was once sent for to visit
a sick man.  On arriving at the house he
enquired:

"What church do you attend?"

"Barry kirk," replied the invalid.

"Why, then, did you not send for your own
minister?"

"Na, na," replied the sick man, "we would
not risk him.  Do you no' ken it's a dangerous
case of typhoid?"




KISMET
======

A lady who had named her house Kismet
engaged an Irish servant.  Bridget desiring to
know the meaning of Kismet was told it
signified "Fate."  Shortly after, Bridget was
painfully and laboriously descending the stairs.
"What is the matter?" asked her mistress.
"I've got fearful corns on my Kismet," was the reply.




THE YOUNG IDEA
==============

A small boy, asked to name the four
seasons, replied: "Pepper, salt, mustard, and
vinegar."  Another, asked for the principal
gases, said: "Oxygen and Cambridgen."




THE NEW BABY
============

Jack was rather put out on the arrival of a
new little brother.  "But, Mummy, he has no
hair."  "No, Jack, he has no hair."  "Mummy,
he has no teeth."  "Oh, no, Jack, no teeth
now."  "Oh, Mummy, dear, you've been had;
they have given you an old 'un."




HOOK AND AN INSPECTOR OF TAXES
==============================

One of the best remembered of Hook's
efforts in extemporising is that recorded of
his improvising at a party when Mr. Winter
was announced, a well-known inspector of
taxes.  Without a moment's break in his
performance Hook went on:--

  "Here comes Mr. Winter, inspector of taxes,
  I'd advise you to give him whatever he axes,
  I'd advise ye to give him without any flummery--
  For though his name's Winter his actions are summary."




THE SHE BEAR
============

A thoughtful child said to her mother on the
way to church: "Mummy, dear!  Shall we
have that hymn to-day about the she bear?"
"I don't remember any hymn about a she
bear, darling," replied the perplexed mother.
"Whatever do you mean, child?"  "I mean
the hymn that goes, 'Can a mother's tender
care, Cease towards the child she bear?'"




KNOWLEDGE
=========

A girl of tender age was a witness at a trial.

"Do you know what an oath is, my child?"
asked the judge.

"Yes, sir, I am obliged to tell the truth."

"And what will happen if you tell lies?"

"I shall go to the naughty place," replied
the child.

"Are you sure of that?"

"Yes, sir, quite sure."

"Let her be sworn," said the judge; "it is
clear she knows a great deal more than I do."




A STORY FOR BOOKSELLERS
=======================

Calling one day at Saunders and Otley's
library, a subscriber was very angry because
certain books that he had ordered had not
been sent.  He was so heated in his indignation
that one of the partners could stand it no
longer, and told him so.

"I don't know who you are," was the
customer's retort, "and I don't want to
annoy you *personally*, as you may not be the
one in fault; it's your confounded house I
blame.  You may be Otley, or you may be
Saunders; if you are Saunders, damn Otley! if
you are Otley, damn Saunders!  I mean
nothing personal to *you*."




THE EARLY BIRD
==============

A father chiding his son for not getting up
early, told him as an inducement, that a
certain man being up in good time, found a
purse containing money.  "That may be,"
replied the son, "but he that lost it was up
before him."




TABLE TALK
==========

An ingenious gentleman had been showing
at a dinner-table how he could cut a pig out
of orange peel.  A guest who was present
tried again and again to do the same, but
after strewing the table with the peel of a
dozen oranges exclaimed, "Hang the pig!
I can't make him."  "Why no," said the
performer, "you have done more--instead of
one pig you have made a litter."




TROUBLES
========

"I'm sorry to see you giving way to drink
like this, Pat," said the village priest, "you
that were always such a respectable boy, too."
"Shure, an' Oi'm obleeged to do it, your
'anner," replied Pat.  "Oi have to dhrink to
droun me trubles."  "H'm," said his
interrogator, "and do you succeed in drowning
them?"  "No, begorra," cried Pat, "shure
an' that's the warst uv it.  The divvles can shwim!"




A SOUTHERNER AND SCOTLAND
=========================

A Southerner with no love for Scotland
returned from his first trip to the North, and
was asked by a Scot if he had not acquired
a better opinion of Scotland.  What did he
now think of it?  "That it is a very vile
country to be sure," answered the traveller.
"Well, sir!" retorted the nettled Scot, "God
made it!"  "Certainly he did!" came the
instant acknowledgment; "but we must
always remember that He made it for Scotsmen."




DRY HUMOUR
==========

An Irish post-boy having driven a gentleman
many miles during torrents of rain, was
asked if he was not very wet?  "Arrah!  I
wouldn't care about being very wet, if I
wasn't so very dry, your honour."




THE CHURCH ORGAN
================

"Friend Maltby, I am pleased that thou
hast got such a fine organ in thy church."
"But," said the clergyman, "I thought you
were strongly opposed to having an organ in a
church?"  "So I am," said Friend Obadiah,
"but then if thou wilt worship the Lord by
machinery, I would like thee to have a
first-rate instrument."




COMMON PRAYER
=============

A little boy had been brought up with much
care.  On his eighth birthday he was given a
nicely bound Prayer Book by his aunt.  After
a brief examination he pushed the book on
one side disappointedly.  On being asked the
reason he said, "I don't like anything 'Common.'"




SHORT COMMONS
=============

At a shop-window in the Strand there
appeared the following notice: "Wanted,
two apprentices, who will be treated as one
of the family."




TRUTH
=====

"My lord," said a witness, "you may
believe me or not, but I have stated not a
word that is false, for I have been wedded to
truth from infancy."

"Yes, sir," replied the Judge drily, "but
the question is, how long have you been a
widower."




A WRONG CHOICE
==============

"I can't stand the missus, sir," said a
servant in a complaining voice to her master.

"It's a pity, Mary," said the master
sarcastically, "that I couldn't have selected
a wife to suit you."

"Sure, sir," replied Mary, "we all make mistakes."




FISH AS A BRAIN FOOD
====================

A visitor at a Devonshire fishing village
asked the parson what was the principal diet
of the villagers.  "Fish mostly," said the
Vicar.  "But I thought fish was a brain food,
and these are the most unintelligent folk I
ever saw," remarked the tourist.  "Well,"
replied the parson, "just think what they
would look like if they didn't eat fish!"




A CHARACTER
===========

A gentleman lately dismissed a clever but
dishonest gardener.  For the sake of his wife
and family he gave him a character, and this
is how he worded it: "I hereby certify that
A. Brown has been my gardener for over two
years, and that during that time he got more
out of my garden than any man I ever employed."




HUSBAND OR COW
==============

The wife of a small farmer in Perthshire
went to a chemist with two prescriptions--one
for her husband, and the other for her cow.
Finding she had not money to pay for both,
the chemist asked her which she would take.
"Gie me that for the coo," said the wife;
"if my man were to dee, I could sune get
another; but I am not sae sure if I would
sune get another coo."




A NEW METHOD
============

It was baking day and mother was very
busy with other duties also.  "May," she
cried, "see if the cake is done.  Put a knife
in it and if it comes out clean you'll know that
it is finished."  "Yes," added father, "and
if it comes out clean stick the others in too."




GRATITUDE NOT APPRECIATED
=========================

"You have saved my life," said the old
man whom the young hero had just pulled
out of the river.  "As a reward you may
marry my daughter there."  The hero glanced
at the daughter, then grasped the old man.
"What are you doing?" asked the perplexed
father.  "Going to drop you in again," he replied.




ON THE TREASURES OF THIS WORLD
==============================

A merchant dying greatly in debt, it coming
to his creditors' ears, "Farewell," said one,
"there is so much of mine gone with him."
"And he carried so much of mine," said
another.  One hearing them make their
several complaints said, "Well, I see now, that
though a man can carry nothing of his own
out of the world, yet he may carry a great
deal of other men's."




COLD FEET
=========

"Do you suffer from cold feet?" the
doctor asked the young wife.

"Yes," she replied.

He promised to send her some medicine to take.

"Oh," she said nervously.  "They're--not--not mine."




BUSYBODIES
==========

A master of a ship called out, "Who is
below?"  A boy answered, "Will, sir."
"What are you doing?"  "Nothing, sir."
"Is Tom there?"  "Yes," said Tom.
"What are you doing?"  "Helping Will, sir."




ALDERMANIC TASTES
=================

*Freddy*: "Papa, may I study elocution?"

*Proud Father*: "Indeed you may, my boy,
if you wish.  You desire to become a great
orator, do you?"

"Yes, that's it."

"And some day perhaps have your voice
ringing in the vaulted chamber of the first
legislative assembly in the world?"

"I shouldn't care for that.  I want to be
an after-dinner speaker."

"Ah, you are ambitious for social distinction, then?"

"No--I want the dinners."




"WARRANTED TO KILL"
===================

An itinerant "old-clo" woman on reaching
a village in an irritated condition proceeded
to the general shop with a request for a certain
useful powder.  The shopkeeper expressed
his ability to supply her need either in packet
form or loose.  "Don't you worry about no
packet, young man," she said.  "Jest pour it
down here," indicating her open collar.




PROFESSIONAL
============

An editor being asked at dinner if he would
take some pudding, replied, in a fit of
abstraction, "Owing to a crowd of other matter,
we are unable to find room for it."




THE NEW VERSION
===============

A class of boys were undergoing an
examination in Scripture.  The subject was the
Good Samaritan.  "And why do you consider
the Pharisee, after looking at him, passed by
on the other side?"  "Because he saw he
had been robbed already," was the answer given.




DRAUGHTS
========

A well-known judge was so afraid of draughts
that the air of his courts was always of a very
high temperature.  One of his colleagues once
explained this habit by saying that he was
preparing the bar for a future state.




TENDERNESS
==========

A beggar in Dublin had been a long time
besieging an old gouty, testy, limping
gentleman, who refused his mite with much
irritability; on which the mendicant said,
"Ah, plase your honour's honour, I wish
your heart were as tender as your toes."




HOW TO ADDRESS A BISHOP
=======================

Little May was going to tea, and her
mother was giving her some words of advice.
"There will be a Bishop, dear; remember
always to address him as My Lord when you speak."

During the afternoon the Bishop approached
May, and, patting her on the head, said, "Well,
little girl, how old are you?"

The Bishop's surprise was great when she
replied, "My God, I'm eight."




HOOK AND PUTNEY BRIDGE
======================

One of the best known of Hook's puns was
uttered to a visitor to his house at Fulham.
The visitor, looking at Putney Bridge, said
that he had heard that it was a good investment,
and turning to his host asked if that was
really so.  "I really don't know," was the
answer, "but you have only to cross it and
you will certainly be tolled."




A GOOD EXAMPLE
==============

A Welsh parson, in his sermon, told his
congregation how kind and respectful we
ought to be towards each other, and added,
that in this respect we were greatly inferior
to animals.  To prove this, he mentioned as
an example the circumstance of two goats,
which met one another upon a narrow plank
across a river, so that they could not pass by
without one thrusting the other off, "Now,
how do you think they did?  Why, I'll tell
you.  One lay down, and let the other leap
over him.  Ah, my beloved, let us live like goats."




A MISFIT
========

*Assistant*: "Do the shoes fit, madam?"

*Madam*: "Oh, yes, they fit me perfectly; but
they hurt me terribly when I try to walk."




A CHEERFUL INVITATION
=====================

An odd instance of the force of technical
training is afforded by a story of one of the
official attendants at a funeral.  Having been
charged with a message from a relative of the
departed to another guest, he came across the
room, and translating it into his own language,
said, "If you please, sir, the corpse's brother
would be happy to take wine with you."




THE INEVITABLE RESULT
=====================

The fervent temperance orator stopped in
the midst of his speech, and said, impressively:
"I wish all the pubs were at the bottom of the
sea."  Voice in crowd, "Hear, hear!"  "Ah,
there speaks a noble teetotaller!"  "Not at
all, I'm a diver."




JUSTICE
=======

An Irishman, who was to undergo trial for
theft, was being comforted by his priest.
"Keep up your heart, Dennis, my boy.  Take
my word for it, you'll get justice."  "Troth,
yer riverence," replied Dennis in an
undertone, "and that's just what I am afraid of."




THAT AWFUL CHILD
================

"What does God have for His dinner,
mother?" asked Willy.

"Sh-h.  You must not ask such questions.
God does not need any dinner."

"Then I suppose he has an egg for his tea."




A COSMOPOLITAN
==============

Speaking of the different languages of
Europe, a professor thus described them:
"The French is the best language to speak to
one's friend; the Italian to one's mistress;
the English to the people; the Spanish to God,
and the German to a horse."




CLOTHES AND THE MAN
===================

*Debt Collector*: "Is your master at home?"

*Servant* (curtly): "No, he isn't."

*Debt Collector* (suspiciously): "But I can
see his hat hanging up in the hall."

*Servant*: "Well, what's that got to do with
it?  One of my dresses is hanging on the line
in the back garden, but I'm not there!"




A WITTY REPLY
=============

One day a celebrated advocate was arguing
before a very stupid and very rude Scotch
judge who, to express his contempt of what
he was saying, pointed with one forefinger
to one of his ears, and with the other to the
opposite one.

"You see this, Mr. ----?"

"I do, my lord," said the advocate.

"Well, it just goes in here and comes out
there!" and his lordship smiled with the
hilarity of a judge who thinks he has actually
said a good thing.

"I do not doubt it, my lord.  What is there
to prevent it?"




THE SOUND OF A TRUMPET
======================

An old inhabitant of Kilmarnock had taken
more whiskey than was good for him.  On his
way home, feeling very tired, he lay down in
the churchyard for a rest, with his head
against a tombstone.  He was suddenly
aroused from his sleep by the blast of a
trumpet.  He woke in a fright, thinking the
end of the world had come, but when he
found himself alone, exclaimed, "Well, this
is a poor show for Kilmarnock."




GRAMMAR
=======

A waggish curate overheard the
schoolmaster giving lessons in grammar.  "You
cannot place a, the singular article," said the
preceptor, "before plural nouns.  No one can
say *a* pigs, *a* women, *a*----"  "Nonsense,"
cried the curate, "the prayerbook teaches
us to say *a*-men."




ONE SIDE AT A TIME
==================

A juryman asked to be excused as he was
deaf in one ear.  "I don't think that matters,"
said the judge; "let him be sworn, we only
hear one side of a case at a time."




COMPANY
=======

"Bridget, I don't think it looks well for you
to entertain company in the kitchen the way
you do," said the young mistress.

"Thanks, mum," replied the cook; "but
I wouldn't like t' take him int' th' parlour--he
spits t'baccy."




HER OWN FAULT
=============

*Mistress*: "Mary, don't let me catch you
kissing the grocer's boy again."

*Mary*: "Lor', mum, I don't mean to, but
you do bob around so."




A POSER
=======

A new sentry was on guard outside the
residence of a general; a small green was in
front of the house and the strict orders were
that no one was to cross it, human or otherwise,
save the General's cow.  An old lady coming
to visit, bent her steps across the lawn as a
short cut, but was called on by the sentry
asking her to return.  She was not unnaturally
somewhat put out and said, with a stately air,
"But do you know who I am?"  "I don't
know who you be, ma'am," replied the
immovable sentry, "but I knows you
b'aint--you b'aint the General's cow!"




YOUTHFUL PRECOCITY
==================

A youth asked permission of his mother to
go to a ball.  She told him it was a bad place
for little boys.  "Why, mother, didn't you
and father use to go to balls when you were
young?"  "Yes, but we have seen the folly
of it," said the mother.  "Well, mother,"
exclaimed the son, "I want to see the folly of
it too!"




ABOVE PROOF
===========

An East-India Governor having died abroad
his body was put in spirit, to preserve
it for internment in England.  A sailor on
board the ship being frequently drunk, the
captain forbade the purser, and indeed all in
the ship, to let him have any liquor.  Shortly
after the fellow appeared very drunk.  How
he obtained the liquor, no one could guess.
The captain resolved to find out, promising
to forgive him if he would tell from whom he
got the liquor.  After some hesitation, he
hiccupped out, "Why, please your honour,
I tapped the Governor."




ON DEATH
========

Two recruits were discussing the Great War
and the possible date of their being sent to the
front.  Said one to the other, "I wouldn't
mind getting killed, Charlie, if it wasn't so
d----d permanent."




ENVY
====

A drunken man was found by the roadside
in the suburbs of Dublin, lying on his face,
apparently in a state of physical unconsciousness.
"He is dead," said a countryman of his,
who was looking at him.  "Dead!" replied
another, who had perceived him to be merely
intoxicated; "by the powers, I wish I had
just half his disease!"




A HAT FOR NOTHING
=================

An honest rustic went into the shop of a
Quaker to buy a hat, for which fifteen shillings
were demanded.  He offered twelve shillings.
"As I live," said the Quaker, "I cannot afford
to give it thee at that price."  "As you live!"
exclaimed the countryman, "then live more
moderately, and be hanged to you."  "Friend,"
said the Quaker, "thou shalt have the hat for
nothing.  I have sold hats for twenty years,
and my 'As I live' trick has never been found
out till now."




AN OLD PROVERB
==============

A Chinaman was much worried by a
vicious-looking dog which barked at him in
an angry manner.  "Don't be afraid of him,"
said a friend.  "You know the old proverb:
'A barking dog never bites.'"

"Yes," said the Chinaman, "you know
proverb, I know proverb, but does d--n dog
know proverb?"




PRO BONO PUBLICO
================

It was just before the opening of the
Academy and Swiper was growling as usual.

"I wish I had a fortune," he said, "I'd
never paint again."

"By Jove, old man," replied his visitor,
"I wish I had one.  I'd give it to you!"




A NEW RECIPE
============

At one of the meetings of a literary club a
dish of peas was brought in, become almost
grey with age.  "You ought to carry these
peas to Kensington," said one of the party.
"Why?" asked another.  "Because it's the
way to Turn 'em Green."

Goldsmith hearing this is delighted and
made a note of the joke.  The next evening,
dining out, he was pleased to find a dish of
yellow peas on the table.  "These ought to be
sent to Kensington," he said.  "Why?" he
was asked.  "Because that's the way to make
them green," he replied.




NOT A WAXWORK
=============

A farmer once took his son into an Assize
Court.  The lad gaped with open mouth at the
resplendent figure of the judge, arrayed in
scarlet and ermine.  Suddenly the judge made
a sign to the usher, and the lad exclaimed,
"Why, father, it's alive.  I thought he were
a waxwork."




THEY NEVER SAY THANK YOU
========================

*Mike*: "I did an extraordinary thing to-day.
I had the last word with a woman."

*Ike*: "That so?  How'd it occur?"

*Mike*: "Coming home on the car I said,
'Won't you have my seat, madam?'"




TIPS
====

A foreign lord, who resided for a time in
England, had his own way of dealing with the
question of tips.  When his friends, who had
dined with him, were going away, he always
attended them to the door; and if they
offered any money to the servant who opened
it (for he never suffered but one servant to
appear), he always prevented them, saying,
in his manner of speaking English, "If you
do give it, give it to me, for it was I that did
buy the dinner."




JUSTICE
=======

At a temperance lecture the speaker told of a
Dutchman and his companion who went into
Delmonico's in New York to get a lunch.  They
were surprised at being charged nine dollars!
The Dutchman began to swear.  "Don't you
swear," said the other, "God has already
punished Delmonico.  I have got my pocket
full of his spoons."




DEAD AS A DOORNAIL
==================

An Irish farmer was asked by his landlord
if the report of his intended second marriage
was true, and replied--"It is, yer honner."
"But your first wife has only been dead a
week, Pat," said the landlord.  "An' shure,"
retorted Pat, "she's as dead now as she ever
will be, yer honner."




FAITH
=====

A cleric, whose name was Mountain, being a
candidate for a vacant see in the gift of the
Lord Chancellor, waited upon his lordship to
present his application.  Said the Chancellor,
"What influence do you possess?"  "None,"
said the candidate, "except faith.  You will
remember, my lord, that, if thou have faith,
and shall say to this mountain, Be thou cast
into the sea, verily it shall be done."  Said the
Chancellor, "Brother Mountain, go into that see."




JOB'S CURSE
===========

"Mother," said little Eva on the way from
church, "babies aren't so good as they used
to be, are they?"  "Whatever makes you
think that?" replied her mother.  "Well, little
Willie can't talk yet, and he's nearly two, but
Job could talk when he was a baby."  "Where
does it tell you that, dear?" asked mother.
"Don't you remember the lesson this morning,
mother?  It said that Job cursed the day he
was born!"




A CONJUGAL CONCLUSION
=====================

A woman having fallen into a river, her
husband went to look for her, proceeding up
the stream from the place where she fell in.
The bystanders asked him if he was mad--she
could not have gone against the stream.  The
man answered, "She was obstinate and
contrary in her life, and no doubt she was the
same at her death."




THE RULING PASSION
==================

Lazarus Goldstein the auctioneer, being
somewhat run down, was ordered on a sea
voyage by his doctor.  After several days
on board during which period nothing had
occurred to break the monotony of this to
him overpeaceful existence, he was suddenly
aroused from his afternoon siesta by the
cry "A sail, a sail."  His eyes brightened and
calling his wife, he said, "Sarah, where is dot
catalogue?"




FELO-DE-SE
==========

An under officer of the Customs at the port
of Liverpool, running heedlessly along the
ship's gunnel, happened to slip overboard, and
was drowned.  The body soon being recovered,
the coroner's jury was summoned.  One of
the jurymen returning home, was asked what
verdict they brought in, and whether they
found it "felo-de-se"?  "Ay, ay!" says
the juryman, shaking his noddle.  "He fell
into the sea, sure enough."




HOW TO GET WARM
===============

A Quaker gentleman, riding in a carriage
with a fashionable lady decked with a
profusion of jewellery, heard her complain of the
cold.  Shivering in her lace bonnet and shawl,
as light as a cobweb, she exclaimed, "What
shall I do to get warm?"  "I really don't
know," replied the Quaker solemnly, "unless
thee should put on another breast-pin."




NO MATTER WHAT COLOUR
=====================

An eminent Scottish divine met two of his
own parishioners at the house of a lawyer,
whom he considered too sharp a practitioner.
The lawyer ungraciously put the question,
"Doctor, these are members of your flock;
may I ask, do you look upon them as white
sheep or as black sheep?"  "I don't know,"
answered the divine drily, "whether they are
black or white sheep; but I know, if they are
long here, they are pretty sure to be fleeced."




OF COMPOSITIONS
===============

A lady at a dinner-party was sitting next
to a musician, and, thinking she ought to say
something about music, turned to her neighbour
and said: "Has Bach been composing much
of late?"  "No, madam, but I hear he has
been decomposing for some time!"




PETER'S WIFE'S MOTHER
=====================

A parson in the country, taking his text
from St. Matthew, chap. viii. 14, "And
Peter's wife's mother lay sick of a fever,"
preached for three Sundays together on the
same subject.  Soon after, two country fellows
going across the churchyard and hearing the
bell toll, one asked the other, who it was for.
"Perhaps," replied he, "it is for Peter's wife's
mother, for she has been sick of a fever these
three weeks."




THE TRIALS OF THE DEAF
======================

An old gentleman went out to tea, and being
somewhat deaf was unable to join in the
general conversation.  A kind-hearted lady
wishing to make him feel at home, said:
"Do you like bananas?"  To which he
replied, "No; I prefer the old-fashioned
nightshirt."




ANTICIPATION
============

Towards the close of a meeting at Exeter
Hall at which Bishop Wilberforce had made
an eloquent speech the audience began to go
away.  A gentleman whose name was on the
programme said to the Bishop, "I need not
speak; I hardly think they expect me."
"To be sure they do," said Wilberforce;
"don't you see they are all going."




HYMNS AND HERS
==============

On seeing a large picture by Watts from
*Theodore and Honoria* a friend once asked
Lord Houghton what it represented.  "Oh!"
he replied, "you have heard of Watts's
Hymns.  These are Watts's Hers!"




HORS CONCOURS
=============

At an evening party a new game was
suggested.  The guests were each to make the
most hideous grimaces that they could and
the prize was to go to the ugliest effort.

After long scrutiny the judge awarded the
prize to a lady seated away from the others.
"I'm not playing," she replied indignantly.




THE MARINE AND THE BOTTLE
=========================

A story told of William the Fourth, if
genuine, shows that king possessed on occasion
of a ready tact which is so happy as to be wit.
The story runs that when dining with several
officers he ordered a waiter to "take away that
marine," pointing to an empty bottle.  "Your
Majesty!" exclaimed one of the officers, "do
you compare an empty bottle to a member of
our branch of the service?"  "Yes," answered
the king.  "I mean to say that it has done its
duty once and is ready to do it again."




A UNITED COUPLE
===============

   |   John's wife complains, that John discourses
   |   And thinks of nothing else but horses.
   |     Whilst John, a caustic wag,
   |   Says it's wonderful to see
   |   How thoroughly their tastes agree,--
   |   For, that his wife, as well as he,
   |     Most dearly loves a nag.




WET PAINT
=========

It was a dark wintry night, when a belated
traveller, in a lonely country district, found
himself entirely lost as to his locality.

He wandered aimlessly for some time, till
at last he found himself against what he
considered a signpost.

All efforts to find out any name on the same
failing, he climbed the post and read the words,
"Wet paint."




TICK, TICK, TICK
================

Sheridan had taken a new house and meeting
Lord Guildford, he mentioned his change of
residence, and also a change in his own habits.
"My lord, everything is carried on in my new
house with the greatest regularity--everything
in short goes like clockwork."  "Ah!"
replied Lord Guildford meaningly, "tick, tick,
tick, I suppose."




DIFFIDENCE
==========

An Irishman charged with an assault, was
asked by the judge whether he was guilty or
not.  "How can I tell," was the reply, "till
I have heard the evidence?"




THE BAILIFF OUTWITTED
=====================

A bailiff who had tried numerous expedients
in vain to arrest a Quaker, resolved to adopt
the habit and manner of one, in hope of
catching the primitive Christian.  In this
disguise, he knocked at the Quaker's door
and inquired if he was at home.  The
housekeeper replied, "Yes."  "Can I see him?"
"Walk in, friend," she said, "and he shall see
thee."  The bailiff, confident of success, walked
in, and after waiting nearly an hour, rung a
bell, and on the housekeeper appearing, said,
"Thou promised me I should see friend
Aminadab."  "No, friend," answered the
housekeeper, "I promised *he* should see *thee*.
He hath seen thee, but he doth not like thee."




IMAGINATION
===========

A small boy walking across a common with
his mother espied a bunny.  "Look, mother,
there goes a rabbit!"  "Nonsense, my boy,
it must have been imagination."  "Mother,
is imagination white behind?"




UNREMITTING KINDNESS
====================

"Call that a kind man," said an actor,
speaking of an absent acquaintance; "a
man who is away from his family, and never
sends them a farthing!  Call that kindness!"
"Yes, unremitting kindness," Jerrold replied.




A WARM PROSPECT
===============

A well-known judge was credited with being
parsimonious.  A friend once asked him, "What
are you going to do with your money?  You
cannot take it with you, and if you could it
would melt!"




A SOPORIFIC STORY
=================

The celebrated Bubb Doddington was very
lethargic.  Falling asleep one day after dinner
with Sir Richard Temple and Lord Cobham,
the general, the latter reproached Doddington
with his drowsiness.  Doddington denied having
been asleep; and to prove that he had not
offered to repeat all Lord Cobham had been
saying.  Cobham challenged him to do so.
Doddington repeated a story and Lord Cobham
owned he had been telling it.  "And yet,"
said Doddington, "I did not hear a word of
it but I went to sleep because I knew that
about this time you would tell that story."




ST. PETER AND HIS KEYS
======================

Curran and Father O'Leary were dining
with Michael Kelly when the barrister said:
"Reverend Father, I wish you were St. Peter."
"And why, Counsellor, would you wish I
were St. Peter?" asked O'Leary.  "Because,
Reverend Father, in that case you would
have the keys of heaven, and could let me in."
"By my honour and conscience, Counsellor,"
answered O'Leary, "it would be better for
you if I had the keys of the other place, for
then I could let you out."




THE LOST JOINT
==============

The serving-maid was awkward and the
joint fell on the floor.  The young mistress was
naturally upset and cried, "Now we've lost
our dinner."

"Indeed you haven't," said Jane, "I've
got my foot on it."




THE RECRUITING SERGEANT AND THE COUNTRYMAN
==========================================

A recruiting sergeant addressing an honest
country bumpkin with--"Come, my lad,
thou'lt fight for thy King, won't thou?"
"Voight for my King," answered Hodge,
"why, has he fawn out wi' onybody?"




IRELAND FOR EVER

An Irishman homeward bound from America
frequently expressed his delight by shouting,
"Hurrah for Ireland!"  "Hurrah for Ireland!"
to the intense amusement of most of the
passengers.  One irascible old fellow, however,
barely concealed his irritation at Pat's
outbursts, and at last, exasperated beyond
endurance, retorted, "Hurrah for Hell!"
"That's right," said Pat.  "Every man for
his own country."




ALL MEN ARE LIARS
=================

Thackeray was fond of telling the story of
two men relating their adventures.  One of
them had told his companion something as
having happened to him which was extremely
improbable; the other capped it by a
statement still more outrageous.  "What a liar
you must be, Jack," said his friend, to which
he replied, "Well, *we are telling lies*, aren't we?"




AN OBJECT LESSON
================

The diner-out had waited a quarter of an
hour for his soup.  Calling the waiter he asked,
"Have you ever been to the Zoo?"

"No, sir," was the reply.

"Well, you ought to go.  You'd enjoy
watching the tortoises whiz past."



AN UNKNOWN TONGUE

During the long French war, two old ladies
in Stranraer were going to the kirk, the one
said to the other, "Was it no' a wonderfu'
thing that the Breetish were aye victorious
ower the French in battle?"  "Not a bit,"
said the other old lady, "dinna ye ken the
Breetish aye say their prayers before ga'in
into battle?" The other replied, "But canna
the French say their prayers as weel?"  The
reply was most characteristic, "Hoot! jabbering
bodies, wha could understan' them."




A DOUBTFUL COMPLIMENT
=====================

"Did you present your account to the
defendant?" inquired a lawyer of his client.
"I did, your Honour."  "And what did he
say?"  "He told me to go to the devil."
"And what did you say then?"  "Why,
then I came to you."




"SOMEWHERE"
===========

A lady who gave herself great airs of
importance, on being introduced to a gentleman
for the first time, said, with much cool
indifference, "I think, sir, I have seen you
somewhere."  "Very likely," replied the gentleman,
"you may, ma'am, as I have often been there."




THE SCOTSMAN AND THE JOKE
=========================

An Englishman and a Scotsman were on a
walking tour in the Highlands when they came
to a signpost which said, "Five miles to
Stronachlachar."  Underneath this was written,
"If you cannot read inquire at the baker's."
The Englishman laughed heartily when he
read it, but refused to tell the Scotsman the
joke.  That night the Englishman was
surprised at being woke up by his companion,
who seemed much amused at something.
Asking the reason, the Scotsman replied,
"Och, mon, I hae just seen the joke--the
baker might not be in."




WAR AND TAXES
=============

Shortly after the commencement of the
Peninsular War, a tax was laid on candles,
which, as a political economist would prove,
made them dearer.  A Scotch wife in Greenock
remarked to her chandler, Paddy Macbeth,
that the price was raised, and asked why?
"It's a' awin' to the war," said Paddy.  "The
war!" said the astonished matron.  "Gracious
me! are they gaun to fecht by candlelicht?"




A MODERN ALFRED
===============

A woman gave her little child a cloth to
warm while she was otherwise busied.  The
child held it to the fire, but so near that it
changed colour presently, and began to look
like tinder; upon which the child called to its
mother, "Mamma, is it done enough when it
looks brown?"




CHARITY ON CREDIT
=================

A certain rich laird in Fife, whose weekly
contribution to the church collection never
exceeded one penny, one day, by mistake,
dropped into the plate at the door a
five-shilling piece; but discovering his error before
he was seated in his pew, hurried back, and
was about to replace the coin by his customary
penny, when the elder in attendance cried out,
"Stop, laird, ye may put in what ye like, but
ye maun take naething out!"  The laird,
finding his explanations went for nothing, at
last said, "A weel, I suppose I'll get credit
for it in heaven."  "Na, na, laird," said the
elder, "ye'll only get credit for the penny."




COURTING BY LAMPLIGHT
=====================

The carter was going out with a lantern
one evening, when he met the farmer who
employed him; he was asked where he was
going.  "Courting," was the reply.  The
farmer replied, "You don't want a lantern
to go courting with.  When I went courting
I never took a lantern."  "I can quite believe
you," said the man, "when I look at your missus!"




THE INQUISITIVE ONLOOKER
========================

An old gentleman was observed earnestly
looking on the sands, evidently for some
object he had lost.

An inquisitive onlooker asked, "Have you
lost something?"  "Yes," was the reply.

Not quite satisfied, the inquisitive one said,
"Is it anything important?"  "Yes," again
came the answer, "I have lost my toffee."
"But, surely, the toffee would be useless if you
found it, as it would be full of sand."  "But
my teeth are in it," was the prompt reply.




THE EMPTY BOTTLE
================

In a dark room in an Irish cabin Biddy
was searching for the whisky bottle, when
her husband enquired, "What is't yer lookin'
for?"  "Nuthin', Pat," answered Biddy.
"Sure," replied the husband, "you'll find it
in the bottle where the whisky was."




H2O
===

The elementary class was being instructed
in chemistry, and the master, after several
lessons, asked: "What is water?"  One
very young but bright pupil promptly replied:
"A colourless fluid that turns black when you
wash your hands."




AN ACCIDENT
===========

Two Irish porters meeting at Dublin, one
addressed the other with, "Och, Thady my
jewel, is it you?  Are you just come from
England?  Pray did you see anything of our
old friend Pat Murphy?"  "The devil a
sight," he replied, "and what's worse I'm
afraid I never shall."  "How so?"  "Why he
met with a very unfortunate accident lately."
"Amazing!  What was it?"  "Oh, indeed
nothing more than this; he was standing on
a plank talking devoutly to a priest, at a place
in London which I think they call Brixton,
when the plank suddenly gave way, and poor
Murphy got his neck broke."




TOUCH HIM UP
============

Mackintosh was once taking Parr for a drive
when the horse became restive and the
scholar became nervous.  "Gently, Jemmy,"
said Parr, "don't irritate him; always soothe
your horse, Jemmy.  You'll do better without
me.  Let me down, Jemmy."  The horse was
stopped enough for the purpose, and no sooner
had Parr safely descended than his advice
changed.  "Now, Jemmy, touch him up.
Never let a horse get the better of you.  Touch
him up, conquer him, don't spare him.  And now
I'll leave you to manage him--I'll walk home."




A SMART BOY
===========

A boy of only nine years old was asked many
questions by a bishop, and gave very prompt
answers to them all.  At length the prelate
said, "I will give you an orange if you will
tell me where God is."  "My Lord," replied
the boy, "I will give you two if you will tell
me where He is not."




WEARING ROUGE
=============

There was a certain Bishop of Amiens who
was a saint and yet had a good deal of wit.
A lady went to consult him whether she might
wear rouge; she had been with several
directeurs, but some were so severe, and some so
relaxed, that she could not satisfy her
conscience, and therefore was come to
Monseigneur to decide for her, and would rest by his
sentence.  "I see, Madam," said the good
prelate, "what the case is: some of your
casuists forbid rouge totally; others will
permit you to wear as much as you please.
Now, for my part, I love a medium in all things,
and therefore I permit you to wear rouge on
one cheek only."




THE POOR LANDLORD
=================

Father Healy was talking to a friend in the
street when a youth came up begging alms;
having received a penny he scampered off,
revealing in his retreat a very tattered apparel.
"That is a nice cut of an Irish landlord," said
the priest.  "How so?" asked the friend,
"Because he has rents in a rear."




THE DAY OF REST
===============

"Well, Master Jackson," said the minister,
walking homeward after service with an
industrious labourer, who was a constant
attendant, "well, Master Jackson, Sunday
must be a blessed day of rest for you who
work so hard all the week.  And you make a
good use of the day, for you are always to be
seen at church."  "Ah, sir," replied Jackson,
"it is indeed a blessed day; I works hard
enough all the week, and then I comes to
church o' Sundays, and sets me down, and
lays my legs up, and thinks o' nothing!"




NOT TO BE CAUGHT
================

It was examination day at one of the
R.A.M.C. headquarters.

"And if a man suffering from trench feet
were brought to you, how would you treat
him?" asked the examiner.

The recruit, a Londoner with a good knowledge
of the licensing laws, quickly answered:
"You won't catch me that way, sir.  We
should both pay for our own."




MOLECULES
=========

"What are you studying now?" asked Mrs. Johnson.

"We have taken up the subject of molecules,"
answered her son.

"I hope you will be very attentive and
practise constantly," said the mother.  "I
tried to get your father to wear one, but he
could not keep it in his eye."




A THOUGHTLESS SAMARITAN
=======================

Professor Johnson, the antiquary, returning
meditatively from a learned discourse, came
upon the recumbent body of a man in front
of a house.  Being a Samaritan he proffered
his services, and discovered that the man
lived on the first floor.  Thither he piloted
him and opening a door pushed him gently in.
Reaching again the ground floor another
human being confronted him and he also
needed help to the first floor.  But when our
Professor found yet another fellow-creature
in distress his curiosity was aroused and he said:

"It is strange that there should be three
men needing help to the first floor of the same
house."

"Not so strange, mister," replied the prone
figure, "seeing as 'ow you've dropped me
down the lift 'ole twice."




CHAPS
-----

A pretty girl was complaining to a young
Quaker that she was dreadfully troubled by
chaps on her lips.  "Friend Mary!" replied
the Quaker, "thou shouldst not permit the
chaps to come so near the lips."




TWINS
=====

A farmer became the father of twins and
on learning the news he was so delighted that
he hurried to the nearest post-office and sent
this telegram to his sister-in-law.

"Twins to-day.  More to-morrow."




A NATURAL OBJECTION
===================

The Daylight Saving Bill has its detractors
as well as its advocates.  Of the former it is
said that milkmen are the chief, but as Jones
said to William: "It's but natural.  A
milkman would pour cold water on anything."




BADLY PUT
=========

A doctor of eminence was called up on the
telephone by an anxious lady.  "Are you a
baby specialist?" he was asked.

"No," was the reply, "I'm a full-grown man."




A DOUBTFUL MARKET
=================

A boy in an office was dissatisfied with his
prospects and gave notice.  "You are making
a mistake," said his employer, "you will do
better to remain here.  Remember, a rolling
stone gathers no moss."

"Who wants moss?" replied the youth.
"Where's the market for it, I should like to know?"




SEQUENCES
=========

An old gentleman engaged a footman, and
having instructed him in his duties asked him
if he understood sequences.

"I don't know, sir," replied the man;
"will you please explain?"

"Why," he said, "when I ask you to lay
the cloth, you are to put the knives, forks, salt,
etc., on the table."

"Oh, sir," replied the footman, "if that's
all, no doubt I shall please you."

His master, being ill one morning, ordered
him to fetch a nurse with all speed.  He
did not return until late at night, and on being
reproached explained the delay by telling that
he went and found the nurse who was below;
the sequences of a nurse, he thought, were a
chemist, a doctor, a surgeon, and an
undertaker; and he had asked them all to
attend--in fact they were now waiting below.




TWO POINTS OF VIEW
==================

A lawyer travelling by the Great Western
to his circuit, wished to be alone in order to
study a brief, and having for his single
companion a mild clergyman, he got rid of him
by affecting insanity.  This he did so naturally
that all the clergyman's efforts, after the first
quarter of an hour, were directed to soothe
and conciliate his fellow-passenger.  As they
passed the great Middlesex Asylum, he
observed, like a nurse with a fractious child,
"How pretty Hanwell looks from the railway."
"Ah," answered the lawyer, with a slight
bark, "you should see how the railway looks
from Hanwell."  At the next station the
divine got out precipitately, and left the
lawyer to himself.




A CANNIBAL
==========

Willie had reached the tender and
somewhat difficult age of six when his uncle
Edward came on a visit.  His first conversation
proved rather trying.

"Uncle, you must be a sort o' cannibal.

"A what, sir?  What d'yer mean, sir?"
returned the uncle.

"'Cause mamma said you was always livin'
on somebody!"




TO LET--UNFURNISHED
===================

When it was suggested that the squire's son
should enter Parliament he was asked which
side he would take.  The young man replied
that he would vote with those who had the
most to offer him, and that he should wear
on his forehead a label "To Let."  "Do,
Tom," commented his father, "and write
underneath those words 'unfurnished.'"




A FRIEND OF SATAN
=================

A clergyman who was an enthusiastic
geologist always carried his specimens about
in a handkerchief such as navvies use to carry
their dinners in.  One day, as he was returning
home with the handkerchief full of specimens,
he saw a navvy seated at the top of a well
swearing vigorously because he could not make
the windlass work.

"My friend," said the clergyman gravely,
"do you know Satan?"

"Satan," said the man; "who's he?
Wait a moment, sir," he added, "I'll ask my
mate.  Bill," he called, "do you know Satan?"

The answer came from down the well: "No.  Why?"

"Well," said the one at the top, eyeing
the handkerchief, "there's a bloke up here
wot's got his dinner!"




THE TEDDY BEAR
==============

A little girl received a present of a Teddy
Bear.  Unfortunately one of its eyes was
injured in the post.  Asked what name she
had given it, the child said, "I call it Gladly,
because I read in a book the other day,
'Gladly my cross I'd bear.'"




BROTHERLY LOVE
==============

"Ah!" said a conceited young parson, "I
have this afternoon been preaching to a
congregation of asses."  "Was that the
reason why you always called them beloved
brethren?" a lady inquired.




CHRISTIAN PRINCIPLES
====================

On his removal to Bath after his retirement,
Quin, the actor, found himself extravagantly
charged for everything, and at the end of the
week complained of this to Beau Nash, saying
that he had invited him to Bath as being the
cheapest place in England for a man of taste
and a bon vivant.  Nash, himself no mean
utterer of wit, replied saying that his
townsmen had acted upon truly Christian principles.
"How so?" demanded Quin.  "Why!"
concluded the Beau, "you were a stranger
and they took you in."




MULTIPLICATION
==============

The little boy was discovered in front of the
rabbit-hutch with a perplexed frown on his
forehead.  "What's twice two?" he shouted.
No response.  "What's twice two?" he
repeated.  "There, I knew teacher was wrong
when he said rabbits multiply quickly."




A BIBLICAL STORY
================

A clergyman during his first curacy found
the ladies of the parish too helpful.  He soon
left the place.  Some while later he met his
successor.  "How are you getting on with
the ladies?" asked the escaped curate.  "Oh,
very well," was the answer, "there's safety
in numbers."  "I found it in Exodus," was
the reply.




THE THOUGHTFUL MAID
===================

"Bridget," said the mistress in a reproving
tone of voice, "breakfast is very late this
morning.  I noticed last night that you had
company in the kitchen, and it was nearly
twelve o'clock when you went to bed."

"It was, ma'am," admitted Bridget.  "I
knew you was awake, for I heard ye movin'
about; an' I said to meself ye'd need sleep
this mornin', an' I wouldn't disturb ye wid
an early breakfast, ma'am."




HEMP
====

Two "nuts" were passing a field where a
labourer was sowing.  "Well, old man," said
one of them to him, "it's your business to sow,
but we reap the fruits of your labour."  To
which the countryman replied, "'Tis very
likely you may, truly; for I am sowing hemp."




GOOD ADVICE
===========

"George," said the farmer half-way through
the first banquet in which his son took part,
"be careful of the drink.  When you see those
two lights at the end of the room appear to be
four, you may be sure you have had enough,
and stop."  "But, father," replied the
interested son, "I see only one light at present."




CHANGE AND REST
===============

Bishop Creighton used to tell a story of the
ready wit of Magee, his predecessor in the see
of Peterborough.  Magee had been staying at
some country place, and on his leaving, the
innkeeper had presented an extortionate bill,
at the same time expressing the hope that
his visitor had had change and rest.  "No,
indeed," was Magee's reply, "the waiter
has got the change and you have got the rest."




THE VOLUNTARY SYSTEM
====================

A young recruit was somewhat perturbed
regarding a regulation about which his
comrades had told him.  "If you please,
sergeant," he said, "the other fellows say I've
got to grow a moustache."  "Oh, there's no
compulsion about growing a moustache, my
lad; but you mustn't shave your upper lip,"
was the reply.




THE WAY TO YORK
===============

A traveller, lost on a Yorkshire moor, met
a member of a shrewd and plain-speaking
sect.  "This is the way to York, is it not?"
said the traveller.  To which the other replied,
"Friend, first thou tellest me a lie, and then
thou askest me a question."




THE WAY TO DO IT
================

A gentleman, having a light sovereign
which he could not pass, gave it to his Irish
servant, and asked him to pass it.  At night
he asked him if he had got rid of the coin.
"Yes, sir," replied the man, "but I was forced
to be very sly; the people refused it at
breakfast and at dinner; so, at a cinema
where the admission was threepence, I whipped
it in between two halfpence, and the man put
it in his pocket and never saw it."




LOT AND THE FLEA
================

"Children," said the Sunday school
superintendent, "this picture illustrates to-day's
lesson: Lot was warned to take his wife and
daughters and flee out of Sodom.  Here is Lot
and his daughters, with his wife just behind
them; and there is Sodom in the background.
Now has any girl or boy a question before we
take up the study of the lesson?  Well, Susie?"

"Pleathe, thir," lisped the latest graduate
from the infant class, "where ith the flea?"




WHIST
=====

Dr. Parr was very fond of whist and very
impatient of any want of skill on the part of
those with whom he was playing.  Taking a
hand with three poor players he was asked by
a friend how he was getting on, and replied
with cutting sarcasm, "Pretty well,
considering that I have three adversaries."




A NEW PRESCRIPTION
==================

An American doctor being called upon to
prescribe for a child, whose ailment was not
clear to him, said to the nurse, "I'll give the
little cuss a powder, then it'll have a fit, and
I'm a dab at fits."




JACOB'S LADDER
==============

A clergyman had preached on the subject
of Jacob's ladder, and his son, who was
present, was much impressed.  A few days
later he told his father that he had dreamed
about his father's discourse.  "And what
did you see, my son?"  "I dreamt," replied
the boy, "that I saw a ladder reaching from
the ground up into the clouds.  At the foot
of the ladder were many pieces of chalk and
no one was allowed to ascend without taking
a piece for the purpose of placing a mark on
each rung for each sin committed."  "Very
interesting, my boy, and what else?"  "Well,
father, I thought I would go up and I marked
the rungs as I went, but I hadn't got very far
when I heard someone coming down."  "Yes,"
said the father, "and who was that?"  "You,
father," replied the boy.  "I, whatever was I
coming down for?"  "More chalk," was the reply.




A PORTRAIT
==========

A photographer went with a friend to an
exhibition of paintings.  The latter called his
attention to a portrait of an angular lady
in evening dress.  "Ha," he exclaimed in
professional tones, "over-exposed and underdeveloped."




BLOATERS
========

"If a bloater and a half cost three ha'pence,
what would thirteen cost?"  Tommy did not
know and was sent into an adjoining classroom
to work out the problem.  The boy was very
quiet, and on looking to see what he was
doing the master discovered him before a
blackboard covered with figures.  "How are
you getting on, Tommy?" he asked.  "What
was the question, sir?" he replied.  "If a
bloater and a half----"  "Oh, bloaters--I've
been working it out in kippers!"




A CONVENIENCE
=============

During a cross-examination an undertaker
produced his business card, on which was a
telegraphic address.  He was asked why the
latter should be necessary.

"Oh," interposed the judge, "I suppose
it is for the convenience of people who want
to be buried in a hurry."




THE PRAYER MEETING
==================

A clergyman met a parishioner of dissolute
habits.  "I was surprised but very glad to
see you at the prayer meeting last evening,"
he said.  "So that's where I was!" replied the man.




TAKING TIME
===========

An old negro was taken ill, and called in a
physician of his own race.  After a time, as
there were no signs of improvement, he asked
for a white doctor.  Soon after arriving, the
doctor felt the old man's pulse, and then
examined his tongue.  "Did your other
doctor take your temperature?" he asked.
"I don't know, boss," replied the ailing
negro, "I hain't missed nothing but my watch as yet."




KING'S EVIDENCE
===============

When Whitfield first went to America,
observing, during his voyage, the dissolute
manners of the crew, he invited them to one of
his pious declamations, and took occasion to
reprehend them for their loose manner of
living.  "You will certainly," says he, "go
to hell.  Perhaps you may think I will be an
advocate for you; but, believe me, I will tell
of all your wicked actions."  Upon this one of
the sailors, turning to his messmate, observed,
"Ay, Jack, that's just the way at the Old
Bailey; the greatest rogue always turns king's
evidence."




A PLEASANT PROSPECT
===================

"Grandma, shall I have a face like you
when I get old?" asked the *enfant terrible*.

"Yes, my dear, if you're good."




BALAAM'S SWORD
==============

A student, showing the Museum at Oxford
to a party, produced, among many other
curiosities, a rusty sword.  "This," said he,
"is a sword with which Balaam was going to
kill his ass."  One of the company observed
that he thought Balaam had no sword, but
only wished for one.  "You are right,"
replied the student, "and this is the very
sword he wished for."




THE HONORARIUM
==============

The local Council had decided that in
consequence of untiring and devoted service
they would grant an honorarium to one of
their staff.

One of the oldest and most energetic
members rose to speak in favour of the
presentation, but expressed his opinion that
the Council certainly ought to ascertain first
whether the young man could play the instrument.




MANNERS
=======

A well-known cleric came to a stile occupied
by a farm lad, who was eating his bread and
bacon luncheon.  The boy making no attempt
to allow his reverence to pass, was told that
he seemed to be "better fed than taught."
"Very likely," answered the lad, "for ye
teaches Oi, but Oi feeds meself."




SCOTCH UNDERSTANDING
====================

A lady asked a very silly Scotch nobleman,
how it happened that the Scots who came out
of their own country were, generally speaking,
men of more abilities than those who remained
at home.  "Oh, madam," said he, "the
reason is obvious.  At every outlet there are
persons stationed to examine all who pass,
that, for the honour of the country, no one be
permitted to leave it who is not a man of
understanding."  "Then," said she, "I
suppose your lordship was smuggled."




THE AVERAGE EGG
===============

The teacher asked the arithmetic class:
"What is the meaning of the word average?"
A small boy replied: "It's a thing that hens
lay eggs on."  "Why?"  "Because I've
read that a hen lays an egg on an average once
a day."




FEELING IN THE RIGHT PLACE
==========================

A gentleman was one day relating to a
Quaker a tale of deep distress, and
concluded very pathetically by saying, "I could
not but feel for him."  "Verily, friend,"
replied the Quaker, "thou didst right in that
thou didst feel for thy neighbour; but didst
thou feel in the right place--didst thou feel
in thy pocket?"




THE G.O.M.
==========

A clergyman calling at Hawarden, while
Mr. Gladstone still held the reins, Mrs. Gladstone
entertained him, till her husband, who
was upstairs writing, was disengaged.  The
minister lamented the terrible state of affairs
in Ireland and elsewhere, but added
consolingly, "There is One above us who will
set all right."  "Oh, yes," exclaimed
Mrs. G., "he'll be down directly."




A NEAT RETORT
=============

A member of a celebrated theatrical family
made his first appearance on the operatic
stage.  His voice, however, was so bad that
the conductor of the orchestra called out to
him at rehearsal: "Mr. Kemble, Mr. Kemble,
you are murdering the music."  "My dear
Sir," came the retort, "it is far better to
murder it outright than to keep on beating it
as you do."




A SYDNEY SMITH STORY
====================

To a country squire, who having been
worsted in an argument with his rector,
remarked, "If I had a son who was an idiot,
by Jove!  I'd make him a parson," Sydney
Smith quietly replied, "I see that your
father was of a different mind."




A COMMON DIFFICULTY
===================

A man who had a large family, and but very
moderate means to support them, was
lamenting to an acquaintance of no family and a
large fortune how difficult it was to make both
ends meet.  "We should not repine," replied
his friend; "He that sends mouths, sends
food."  "That I do not deny," replied the
other; "only permit me to observe, He has
sent me the mouths, and you the food."




MARY JONES
==========

The Vicar, conducting a Sunday afternoon
service, was trying to interest the children in
the Burial Service.

He was dealing with the part which speaks
of the changing of the earthly body: but
found several of his audience busily engaged
in conversation.

Determined to secure better attention if
possible, he asked the following question,
"And now, Mary Jones, who made your vile
body?"  To which came the ready answer,
"Please, sir, mother did, and I made the skirt."




DONALD COMPLIED
===============

A gentleman having an estate in the
Highlands advertised the shootings to let,
and told his gamekeeper, Donald, to praise the
place for all it was worth.

An Englishman, inquiring of Donald as to
how it was stocked with game, first asked if
it had any deer.

Donald's reply was, "Thoosands of them."

"Any grouse?"

"Thoosands of them, too."

"Any partridges?"

"Thoosands of them, too."

"Any woodcock?"

"Thoosands of them, too."

The Englishman, thinking Donald was
drawing the long bow, asked if there were
any gorillas.  Donald drew himself up.

"Well, they are no' so plentifu'; they
jist come occasionally, noo and again, like
yoursel'."




VEGETARIANISM
=============

It is related of a coachman that his medical
adviser prescribed animal food as the best
means of restoring health and activity.
"Patrick," said he, "you're run down a bit,
that's all.  What you need is animal food."
Remembering his case a few days afterwards,
he called upon Pat at his stable.  "Well,
Pat," he asked, "how are you getting on with
the treatment?"  "Oh, shure, sir," Pat
replied, "Oi manage all right with the grain
and oats, but it's mighty hard with the chopped hay."




FELLOW-FEELING
==============

A doctor, being summoned to a vestry, in
order to reprimand the sexton for drunkenness,
dwelt so long on the sexton's misconduct that
the latter was constrained to say: "Sir, I was
in hopes you would have treated my failings
with more gentleness, and that you would
have been the last man alive to appear against
me, as I have covered so many blunders of yours."




JONAH AND THE WHALE
===================

"I cannot conceive how Jonah could live
in the stomach of a whale," someone said to
Father Healy one day.

"Oh, that's nothing," was the reply, "I
saw a friend coming out of a fly this morning."




WHOLLY GOOD
===========

At a religious meeting a lady persevered in
standing on a bench, and thus intercepting
the view of others, though repeatedly requested
to sit down.  A reverend old gentleman at
last rose, and said gravely, "I think if the
lady knew that she had a large hole in each of
her stockings, she would not exhibit them in
this way."  This had the desired effect--she
immediately sat down.  A young minister
standing by, blushed to the temples, and said,
"O brother! how could you say what was not
the fact."  "Not the fact!" replied the old
gentleman; "if she had not a large hole in
each of her stockings, I should like to know
how she gets them on."




"CAREFUL, NOW!"
===============

"How is it, Mary, that whenever I enter
the kitchen I always find a man there?"
enquired a mistress.

"I don't know, ma'am, indeed, unless it be
them there soft shoes ye wears, that don't
make no noise," replied Mary.




SAFETY
======

An English gentleman, travelling through
the county of Kilkenny, came to a ford, and
hired a boat to take him across.  The water
being rather more agitated than was agreeable
to him, he asked the boatman if any person
was ever lost in the passage!  "Never,"
replied Terence; "never.  My brother was
drowned here last week; but we found him
again the next day."




O'BRIEN THE LUCID
=================

"You are not opaque, are you?" sarcastically
asked one man of another who was
standing in front of him at the theatre.
"Faith, an' Oi'm not," replied the other.
"It's O'Brien that Oi am."




MERCY
=====

An old woman walking down the church
aisle during service in a large red cloak, heard
the minister say, "Lord, have mercy upon
us!" then the clerk repeated, "Lord, have
mercy upon us!" and then the whole
congregation echoed, "Lord, have mercy upon
us!"  "Bless my heart!" cried she, stopping
short, "did ye never see an old woman in a
red cloak before."




A BULL
======

"Pat, can you tell me what is an Irish
'bull'?" asked an inquiring tourist.  "Well,
if your honour has seen four cows lying down
in a field, an' one of them standing up, that
'ud be a bull!" retorted Pat triumphantly.




A GOOD REASON
=============

"That's a pretty bird, grandma," said a
little boy.  "Yes, and he never cries," replied
the old lady.  "That's because he's never
washed," rejoined the youngster.




THE ARREST
==========

"Now, Pat," said a magistrate sympathetically
to an "old offender," "what brought
you here again?"  "Two policemen, sor,"
was the laconic reply.  "Drunk, I suppose?"
queried the magistrate.  "Yes, sor," said Pat,
without relaxing a muscle, "both av them."




CHERUBIM AND SERAPHIM
=====================

"As you are well up in biblical points, will
you tell us the difference between the cherubim
and seraphim?" Father Healy was once asked.

"Well, I believe there was a difference
between them a long time ago, but they have
since made it up."




SOLITUDE
========

An amusing anecdote is told by Schopenhauer
in support of his theory of the ridiculous.
One man said to another, "I am very fond
of taking long walks by myself."  "So am I,"
said the other; "our tastes are congenial,
so let us take long walks together."




A QUESTION OF NUMBERS
=====================

A nursery-maid was leading a little child
up and down a garden.  "Is't a laddie or a
lassie?" asked the gardener.  "A laddie,"
said the maid.  "Weel," said he, "I'm glad
o' that, for there's ower mony women in the
world."  "Heck, mon," said Jess, "did ye no
ken there's ay maist sown o' the best crop?"




AMERICAN POULTRY
================

A wealthy Irish-American was proud of the
opportunity to do the honours and "show off"
on the occasion of a visit to New York of one
of his compatriots from the "Ould Counthry."
To dazzle him he invited him to dine at one of
the most notable and "toniest" of restaurants.
"Now, me bhoy," he said, "just you follow
my lead, and I'll order everything of the best."
Seated at table, the host led off with--"Waiter,
fetch a couple of cocktails."  His friend gave
himself away, however, when he whispered
audibly--"Waiter, if ye don't moind, I'd
rather have a wing."




GRACE MAL A PROPOS
==================

A milliner's apprentice, about to wait upon
a duchess, was fearful of committing some
error in her deportment.  She therefore
consulted a friend as to the manner in which she
should consult this great personage, and was
told that, on going before the duchess, she
must say her Grace, and so on.  Accordingly,
away went the girl, and, on being introduced,
after a very low curtsey, she said: "For what
I am going to receive, the Lord make me truly
thankful."  To which the duchess answered: "Amen!"




THE POOR IDIOT
==============

A dull preacher in a country church sent all
the congregation to sleep, except an idiot,
who sat with open mouth, listening.  The
parson became enraged, and, thumping the
pulpit, exclaimed, "What! all asleep but this
poor idiot!"  "Aye," replied the lad, "and
if I had not been a poor idiot, I should have
been asleep too."




A WELSH WIG-GING
================

An Englishman and a Welshman were
disputing in whose country was the best living.
Said the Welshman, "There is such noble
housekeeping in Wales, that I have known
above a dozen cooks employed at one wedding
dinner."  "Ay," answered the Englishman,
"that was because every man toasted his own
cheese."




FORGIVENESS
===========

"I intend to pray that you may forgive
Casey for having thrown that brick at you,"
said the parson, when he called to see a man
who had been worsted in a mêlée.  "Mebbe
yer riv'rence 'ud be saving toime if ye'd just
wait till Oi git well, an' then pray for Casey,"
replied the patient.




AN ODD COMPARISON
=================

Sir William B----, speaking at a parish
meeting, made some proposals which were
objected to by a farmer.  Highly enraged,
"Sir," says he to the farmer, "do you know
that I have been at the two Universities, and
at two colleges in each University?"  "Well,
sir," said the farmer, "what of that?  I had
a calf that sucked two cows, and the more
he sucked, the greater calf he grew."




ACOUSTICS
=========

When Sir Richard Steele was fitting up his
great room in York Buildings, for public
orations, he happened at that time to be
behindhand in his payments to his workmen;
and coming one day among them to see how
they were working, he ordered one of them to
get into the rostrum and make a speech, that
he might observe how it could be heard.  The
fellow mounting and scratching his pate, told
him he knew not what to say, for in truth
he was no orator.  "Oh!" said the knight,
"no matter for that, speak any thing that comes
uppermost."  "Why here, Sir Richard," says
the fellow, "we have been working for you
these six months, and cannot get one penny
of money.  Pray, Sir, when do you intend to
pay us?"  "Very well, very well," said Sir
Richard; "pray come down; I have heard
enough; I cannot but own that you speak
very distinctly, though I don't much admire
your subject."




SHARP, IF NOT PLEASANT
======================

A boy was feeding a magpie when a
gentleman in the neighbourhood, who had an
impediment in his speech, coming up, said,
"T-T-T-Tom, can your mag t-t-talk yet?"
"Ay, sir," says the boy, "better than you, or
I'd wring his head off."




BRIGHT AND SHARP
================

A little boy having been much praised for
his quickness of reply, a gentleman present
observed, that when children were keen in
their youth, they were generally stupid and
dull when they were advanced in years, and
vice versa.  "What a very sensible boy, sir,
must you have been!" returned the child.




SOFTNESS
========

A lady and gentleman conversing together,
the latter observed that he always slept in
gloves, because it made his hands so soft.
"Do you sleep in your hat, too?" the lady asked.




AN EASY QUALIFICATION
=====================

Residence in the parish is, of course,
required of those who desire their banns to
be proclaimed, and an expectant bride and
bridegroom must qualify themselves by
staying several nights in the parish where such
banns are published.

"Do you sleep in the parish?" asked a
rector of an intending benedict.

"Yes, sir, I have slept through several of
your sermons," was the surprising answer.




MISER'S CHARITY
===============

An illiterate person, who always volunteered
to "go round with the hat," but was suspected
of sparing his own pocket, overhearing once
a hint to that effect, replied, "Other
gentlemen puts down what they thinks proper, and
so do I.  Charity's a private concern, and what
I give is nothing to nobody."




ON TAKING A WIFE
================

The great Sheridan, giving his son Tom a
lecture, said, "You have been fooling about
as a bachelor quite long enough.  You ought
to settle down and take a wife."  Tom
innocently asked, "Whose wife shall I take?"




THE THIRTY-NINE ARTICLES
========================

A Bishop, arriving at the end of a railway
journey, the porter began collecting his
luggage, and said: "How many articles are
there, sir?"  "Thirty-nine," replied the
Bishop imperturbably.  The porter hunted
round, then said in despair: "There are only
fourteen here, sir."  "Ah," said the Bishop,
smiling, "you are evidently a dissenter."




THE DUCHESS AND THE CANONS
==========================

A good story of the late portly Duchess of
Teck was told by Canon Teignmouth Shore.
Her Royal Highness was seated at dinner
between Shore and another canon when the
former said that she must find herself in
rather an alarming position:--

  "Canon to right of you,
  Canon to left of you,
  Volleys and thunders."

"Well," replied the Duchess, "this is the
very first time I have been connected with the
Light Brigade."




HOW TO WIN
==========

"Why is it, Dennis, that you are always
fighting with Willie Simpkins?  I never hear
of you quarrelling with any of the other boys
in the neighbourhood."  "He's the only one
I can lick," answered Dennis.




PIGS
====

The squire rides up to a farmhouse, and,
seeing the small son of the farmer outside,
asks the youngster where his father is, and
gets the following reply: "Father is in yonder
field with the pigs.  You'll know him--he's got
a 'at on!"




BACON AND THE DEVIL
===================

A Quaker bought from one Bacon a horse
which proved to be unsound.  Meeting the
seller shortly after he taxed him with bad
faith and asked him to take the horse back
again.  But this he refused to do, and finding
his remonstrances in vain the Quaker
addressed him thus very calmly, "Friend, thou
hast doubtless heard of the devil entering the
herd of swine, and I find that he still sticks
fast to the bacon.  Good morning to thee, friend."




HINTS TO MOTHERS
================

The inventor of a new feeding bottle for
infants sent out the following among his
directions for using: "When the baby is done
drinking it must be unscrewed and laid in a
cool place under the hydrant.  If the baby
does not thrive on fresh milk, it should be
boiled."




GARRICK AND THE DOCTOR'S FEE
============================

A doctor accustomed to high fees had been
attending Garrick, charging two guineas a
visit.  The patient began to grudge this sum
and at length decided to halve it, and on the
termination of a visit handed the doctor the
fee which he had resolved was sufficient.  The
physician began looking about him as though
in search of something.  He was asked if he
had lost anything.  "Sir," replied the doctor,
"I believe I have dropped a guinea."  "No,
doctor," said the patient with quiet
significance, "it is I that have dropped a guinea."




A SAFE SHOT
===========

A City gentleman was invited down to the
country for "a day with the birds."  His aim
was not remarkable for its accuracy, to the
great disgust of the man in attendance, whose
tip was generally regulated by the size of the
bag.  "Dear me!" at last exclaimed the
sportsman, "but the birds seem exceptionally
strong on the wing this year!"  "Not all of
them, sir," was the answer.  "You've shot at
the same bird about a dozen times.  'E's
a-follering you about, sir."  "Following me
about?  Nonsense!  Why should a bird do
that?"  "Well, sir," came the reply, "I
dunno, I'm sure, unless it's for safety."




HOW TO INDUCE PERSPIRATION
==========================

It is well known that the veterans who
preside at the examinations of surgeons
question minutely those who wish to become
qualified.  After answering very satisfactorily
the numerous enquiries made, a young
gentleman was asked, if he wished to give his
patient a profuse perspiration, what would he
prescribe?  He mentioned many diaphoretic
medicines in case the first failed, but the
unmerciful questioner thus continued, "Pray,
sir, suppose none of those succeeded, what
step would you take next?"  "Why, sir,"
enjoined the harassed young Esculapius, "I
would send him here to be examined; and
if that did not give him a sweat, I do not
know what would."




DIFFERENCES
===========

Someone was endeavouring to convince a
certain old lady by quotations from Scripture
on some point or other.  "You see, Madam,"
said he, "St. Paul in his Epistle to the
Ephesians says," and he repeated the passage
to her (as he thought, very impressively).
"Yes," replied the lady, very collectedly,
"I know all about that; but that's just where
Paul and I differ!"




COALS
=====

During the high price of coals, a gentleman,
meeting his coal-merchant, asked whether it
was a good time to lay in a stock?  The
knight of the black diamonds shook his head,
saying, "Coals are coals now, sir."  To which
his customer replied, "I am very glad to hear
it, for the last you sent me were all slates."




MODESTY
=======

Uncle George gave a children's party.
Janet, aged eight, after a silence asked him
to help her to some more jam.  "Certainly,
Janet, but why not help yourself?"  The
answer came pat, "Because I thought you'd
give me more."




AN UNFORTUNATE REMARK
=====================

Two ladies, sisters, of whom one was a
widow and the other with a husband still
living in India, called at a house, and on the
former leaving, a gentleman offered to escort
her to her carriage.  But the sisters resembled
each other so much that he mistook the
widow for the married one, and when she
remarked to him, on the way to the door, how
very hot it was, he replied, "Yes, but not so
hot as where your husband is!"




MODERN EDUCATION
================

Two navvies were arguing on education of
the present day.

One was of opinion that it was practically
of little use, the other that it was of the
greatest value.  "Look at my boy Jack," he
said, "he can answer any question you like to
ask him.  Here he comes, bringing my dinner.
You ask him anything you like."  "Jack,"
said the other, "your father tells me you are
getting on well at school.  How many are
seven and four?"  "Twelve," was the prompt reply.

"There you are," said the proud father,
"right, within one, first blooming guess."




THE RULING PASSION
==================

One of the chosen people, who was
condemned to be hanged, was brought to the
gallows, and was just on the point of being
turned off, when a reprieve arrived.  Moses
was informed of this, and it was expected he
would instantly have quitted the cart, but he
stayed to see his two fellow-prisoners hanged;
and being asked why he did not get about his
business, he said, "He waited to see if he
could bargain with the hangman for the two
shentlemen's clo'."




EDUCATION
=========

"Education is a good thing, Tim, an' don't
you run it down."  "Ever had any of it, Pat?"
"Me?  Well, I should say yes.  I went to
night school all one winter."  "An' what did
you get to show for it, Pat?"  "What did I
get?  I got four overcoats, three hats, and
seven umbrellas.  Don't you tell me that going
to school is a waste of time."




A LONG GRACE
============

A parish minister was in the habit of
preaching two sermons on a Sunday morning to save
his parishioners another journey to church.
A young girl in the congregation became so
tired and hungry that at the beginning of the
second sermon she whispered to her
grandmother, who accompanied her, "Come awa',
granny, and gang hame, this is a lang grace,
and na meat."




THE USE OF FALSE TEETH
======================

The dinner had been a huge success, and a
highly ornamented pie was much praised.
The cook having been complimented was
asked how she had managed to impart so
much artistic taste into the design.  "Well,
mum," she replied, "I did it with your false
teeth."




HOW TO COLLECT
==============

A public man was appealing on behalf of a
certain charity, when a note was handed up
to him asking if it would be right for a
bankrupt to contribute in response to his appeal.
The speaker referred to this in the course of
his lecture and said decidedly that such a
person could not do so in Christian honesty.
"But, my friends," he added, "I would advise
you who are not insolvent not to pass the
plate this evening, as if you do the people
will be sure to say: 'There's another bankrupt!'"




IMPERSONATION
=============

*Captain*: "What's he charged with, Casey?"

*Officer*: "I don't know the regular name
fer it, captain; but I caught him a-flirting in
the park."

*Captain*: "Ah, that's impersonatin' an officer."




A SMART RETORT
==============

*Facetious Doctor* (to artist): "The pictures
which hang on the walls are your failures, I
suppose?"

*Dyspeptic Artist*: "Yes.  And that's where
you doctors have the pull over us.  You can
bury yours."




TRUTH WILL OUT
==============

Jim was being chastised by his father, and
a passer-by stopped to enquire the reason for
the punishment.  He was informed that Jim
had not locked up the chicken house the
previous night.  "But surely that's not a
very bad offence: the chickens are sure to
come home again."  The father replied
hurriedly, "That's just where the trouble is,
Mister, they wouldn't *come* home; they'd *go* home."




SUNDAY AFTERNOON SERVICES
=========================

A young and energetic curate suggested to
the vicar that Sunday afternoon services
should be held in the church for the school
children.

The Vicar gave his consent, and on the
following Sunday afternoon the curate
marshalled the children in the churchyard four
a-breast to march into the church.

He selected the hymn "Onward, Christian
soldiers," and decided to conduct them into
the church, in real Salvation Army style,
walking backwards.

On entering the church they commenced
the verse, "See the mighty army, Satan
leading on;" and he wondered why the
congregation laughed.




A NEW DISH
==========

A shoemaker in Dublin, getting on well in
the way of business, became proud.  One day
there were customers in the shop when the
shop-boy came in to say that the mistress bid
him say dinner was ready.  "What's for
dinner, sir?" asked the shoemaker.  "Herrings,
sir," answered the boy.  "All right," said the
shoemaker, and when he went up to dinner
he reprimanded the boy for not mentioning
something decent and big, telling the boy
always to mention a good feed when there
were any people in the shop.  A few days
afterwards the boy came to say that dinner
was ready.  "What's for dinner, sir?" asked
the shoemaker.  "Fish, sir," answered the
boy.  "What sort of fish?" asked the
shoemaker.  "A whale, sir," answered the boy.




FULL OF PLUCK
=============

*Countryman* (to dentist): "I wouldn't pay
nothin' extra for gas.  Jest pull her out, even
if it does hurt."

*Dentist*: "You are plucky, sir.  Let me see
the tooth."

*Countryman*: "Oh, 'tain't me that's got
the toothache; it's me wife.  She'll be here in
a minute."




CANDID ON BOTH SIDES
====================

"I rise for information," said a member
of the legislative body.  "I am very glad to
hear it," said a bystander, "for no man wants
it more."




THE LAW AND THE PROPHETS
========================

A dispute about precedence once arose
between a Bishop and a Judge, and, after
some altercation, the latter thought he would
quite confound his opponent by quoting the
passage, "For on these two hang all the Law
and the Prophets."  "Do you not see," said
the lawyer in triumph, "that even in this
passage of Scripture, *we* are mentioned first?"
"I grant you," said the Bishop, "*you* hang first."




LUCUS A NON LUCENDO

A man living in a quiet country place
invited a neighbour to dine and spend the
evening with him.  The night being dark,
when it was time to go, the guest, who had
done himself very well, begged to be allowed to
borrow a large lantern in the hall to light
him on his way.  The next day the host sent
his servant round with the following note:
"Dear old chap, I shall be glad to have back
my parrot and cage if you have finished with it."




THE ISLE OF MAN, AND A WOMAN
============================

A lady was telling her doctor that her maid
objected to going to the Isle of Wight again,
as the climate "was not embracing enough,"
and added, "What am I to do with such a
woman?"  The doctor replied, "You had
better take her to the Isle of Man."




A CUNNING ELDER
===============

A canny Scot had got himself installed in
the eldership of the church, and, in
consequence, had for some time carried round the
ladle for the collections.  He had accepted the
office of elder because some wag had made
him believe that the remuneration was
six-pence each Sunday, with a bag of meal on
New Year's Day.  When the time arrived, he
claimed his reward, but was told he had been
hoaxed.  "It may be sae wi' the meal," he
said coolly, "but I took care of the saxpences
mysel'."




AS YOU LIKE IT
==============

An old Scotch laird used to say he didn't
care how he dressed when in London,
"because nobody knew him."  And he didn't care
how he dressed when at home, "because
everybody knew him."




UNNECESSARY CIVILITY
====================

Said the youth, in a triumphant tone, to the
maid he was about to marry, "Weel, Jenny,
haven't I been unco ceevil?" alluding to the
circumstance that during their whole
courtship he had never even given her a kiss.  Her
quiet reply was, "Oo, ay, man--senselessly ceevil."




AT THE SIGN OF THE BARBER'S POLE
================================

The scene was a hairdresser's, the front of
which was so arranged that passers-by could
see what was taking place.  A small boy
approached and observed the process of
hair-cutting with some interest; the singeing of a
customer surprised the lad, who called to his
chum, "Blimey, Charley, they're looking for
'em with a light now."




AN IDENTIFICATION PLATE
=======================

Two Cockney boys were examining the
mummies at the British Museum for the first
time, and one of them was much puzzled by
the labels denoting the age of the contents.
"I wonder what those figures mean?" said
Charley, stopping before an exhibit marked
B.C. 1500.  "Garn, silly, don't you know?
That's the number of the motor what run over 'im."




TABLE OF COMPARISON
===================

To instil into the mind of his son sound
wisdom and business precepts was Cohen
senior's earnest endeavour.  He taught his
offspring much, including the advantages of
bankruptcy, failures, and fires.  "Two
bankruptcies equal one failure, two failures equal
one fire," etc.  Then Cohen junior looked up
brightly.

"Fadder," he asked, "is marriage a failure?"

"Vell, my poy," was the parent's reply,
"if you marry a really wealthy woman,
marriage is almost as good as a failure."




THE INTELLIGENT CAT
===================

Two suburban gardeners were swearing
vengeance on cats.

"It appears to me," one said, that "they
seem to pick out the choicest plants to scratch
out of the ground."

"There's a big tomcat," the other said,
"that fetches my plants out and then sits
and actually defies me."

"Why don't you hurl a brick at him?"
asked the first speaker.

"That's what makes me mad," was the
reply.  "I can't.  He gets on top of my
greenhouse to defy me."




HEAR!  HEAR!
============

At a local "Parliament" a member much
annoyed the House by continually interrupting
the speakers with cries of "Hear!  Hear!"
One of the latter took the opportunity of
alluding to a well-known political character
of the times, whom he represented as a person
who wished to play the rogue, but had only
sense enough to play the fool.  "Where," he
exclaimed with emphatic continuation, "where
shall we find a more foolish knave or a more
knavish fool than this?"  "Hear!  Hear!"
was instantly shouted from the usual seat.  The
speaker bowed and sat down amidst
convulsions of laughter.




MISPLACING THE BLAME
====================

"O-o-oo-oh!  Bo-o-o-ho-oo!"

As the childish wail rang through the house
the anxious mother sprang to her feet.  Rushing
into the hall, she met her little daughter
coming in from the garden and carrying a
broken doll by the leg.

"What's the matter, darling?" she asked tenderly.

"O-o-oh, m-o-ther," howled the child,
"Willie's broken my do-oll!"

"The naughty boy!  How did he do it?"

"I-I-I hit him on the head wiv it!" was
the slow response.




WHY HANGING CAUSES DEATH
========================

A humorist asked a medical man, with
an air of great seriousness, "Why does
hanging kill a man?"  "Because," began, the
explanation, "inspiration is checked,
circulation is stopped, and blood suffuses and
congests the brain----"  "Bosh!"
interrupted the wag, "it is because the rope is
not long enough to let his feet touch the ground."




MORAL QUALIFICATIONS
====================

A very strong-minded Scotchwoman had
been asking the character of a cook she was
about to engage.  The lady whom the servant
was leaving naturally entered a little upon
her moral qualifications, and described her as
a very decent woman.  To which the
first-named replied, "Oh, d--n her decency, can
she make good porridge?"




MEASURING HIS DISTANCE
======================

A brow-beating counsel asked a witness how
far he had been from a certain place.  "Just
four yards, two feet, and six inches," was the
reply.  "How came you to be so exact, my
friend?"  "Because I expected some fool or
other would ask me, and so I measured it."




AGRICULTURAL EXPERIENCES
========================

A Suffolk clergyman asked a schoolboy
what was meant in the Catechism by succouring
his father and mother.  "Giving on 'em
milk," was the prompt reply.




THE LATIN FOR COLD
==================

A schoolmaster asked one of his scholars, in
the winter time, what was the Latin for cold.
"Oh! sir," answered the lad, "I forget at
this moment, although I have it at my fingers' ends."




THE CUT DIRECT
==============

A gentleman having his hair cut was asked
by the garrulous operator how he would have
it done?--"If possible," replied the
gentleman, "in silence."




COMMON WANT
===========

In the midst of a stormy discussion, a
gentleman rose to settle the matter in dispute.
Waving his hands majestically over the excited
disputants, he began:

"Gentlemen, all I want is common sense----"

"Exactly," interrupted the chairman, "that
is precisely what you *do* want!"

The discussion was lost in a burst of laughter.




NOT TO BE BEATEN
================

A Highlander who prided himself on being
able to play any tune on the pipes perched
himself on the side of one of his native hills
one Sunday morning and commenced blowing
for all he was worth.

Presently the minister came along and,
going up to MacDougall with the intention of
severely reprimanding him, asked in a very
harsh voice, "MacDougall, do you know the
Ten Commandments?"

MacDougall scratched his chin for a moment
and then, in an equally harsh voice, said:

"D'ye think you've beat me?  Just whistle
the first three or four bars, and I'll hae a try
at it."




AN ODD NOTION
=============

A lady the other day meeting a girl who
had lately left her service, inquired, "Well,
Mary, where do you live now?"

"Please, ma'am, I don't live nowhere now,"
replied the girl; "I'm married!"




"IF----"
========

"Faith, and it's meself as 'ill niver foind
my shilling by the loight of a match.  If I
'adn't 'ave lost it I could 'ave bought a
flashloight to foind it with."




LATE AND EARLY
==============

The regular routine of clerkly business ill
suited the literary tastes and the wayward
habits of Charles Lamb.  Once, at the India
House, a superior said to him, "I have
remarked, Mr. Lamb, that you come very
late to the office."  "Yes, sir," replied the wit,
"but see how early I go!"




A SLIGHT DIFFERENCE
===================

"I keep an excellent table," said a lady,
disputing with one of her boarders.  "That
may be true, ma'am," says he, "but you put
very little upon it."




SHARP BOY
=========

A mother admonishing her son (a lad about
seven years of age), told him he should never
defer till to-morrow what he could do to-day.
The little urchin replied, "Then, mother, let's
eat the remainder of the plum-pudding tonight."




THE SENTRY AND HIS WATCH
========================

"Soldiers must be fearfully dishonest," said
a dear old lady in a country village, "as it
seems to be a nightly occurrence for a sentry
to be relieved of his watch."




CREDIT
======

A beautiful girl stepped into an American
store and asked for a pair of gloves.  "Why,"
said a gallant but impudent clerk, "you may
have them for a kiss."  "Agreed," said the
young lady, pocketing the gloves, and her
eyes speaking daggers; "agreed; and as I
see you give credit, you may charge it in your
books, and collect it the best way you can."




UNKIND
======

An indifferent artist, who thought himself
an excellent painter, was talking pompously
about decorating the ceiling of his
drawing-room.  "I am white-washing it," said he,
"and in a short time I shall begin painting."
"I think," replied one of his audience, "you
had better paint it first, and white-wash it
afterwards."




NOT COMPULSORY
==============

A haughty gentleman entering a restaurant
was accosted by the waiter with the inquiry,
"Soup, sir?  Soup, sir?"  The customer
took no notice and calmly removed his
overcoat, on which the waiter reiterated his
question.  Becoming angry, the gentleman
said, "Is it compulsory?"  "No," was the
reply, "It's oxtail, sir."




"YOU'LL GET THERE BEFORE I CAN TELL YOU!"
=========================================

A Fellow of Jesus College was handicapped
by stammering, but when he used bad words
he could talk fluently.  In one of his solitary
rambles a countryman met him and inquired
the road.  "Tu-u-rn," was the reply,
"to-to-to--" and so on for a minute or two; at last
he burst out, "Confound it, man! you'll get
there before I can tell you!"




AN UNHAPPY BENEDICT
===================

A poor man came to his minister and begged
to be unmarried, for he was very unhappy.
The minister assured him that was out of
the question, and urged him to put away the
notion of anything so absurd.  The man
insisted that the marriage could not hold good,
for the wife was worse than the devil.  The
minister demurred saying that was quite
impossible.  "Na," said the poor man, "the
Bible tells ye that if ye resist the deil he flees
frae ye, but if ye resist her she flees at ye."




A DIFFICULT TASK
================

A school inspector, finding that the boys
whom he was examining were inattentive,
endeavoured to pull them together.

"Now then," said he, "will somebody
please give me a number and watch how I
make the figures?"

"74," called out a youth, and the class
gazed while the inspector wrote on the board 47.

Another number was called for and a boy
cried out "65" the inspector turned round
and wrote 56.  As the class took no notice the
inspector became annoyed, and asked the boys
if they noticed nothing different in the figures.
Nobody replied, so he thought he would make
another attempt and called again for a number.
A long pause ensued, but at last a boy stood up
and said 33, adding in a low tone, "See what
you can do to twist that round."




NON-RUNNERS
===========

An old lady wrote to the S.P.C.A. to protest
against the cruel practice of scratching horses.
She called special attention to a reference in the
morning paper saying that three horses had
been scratched on the day of the race--a most
cruel and barbarous thing to do.




THE POLITE COUNTRYMAN
=====================

An Englishman being doubtful of his way
inquired if he were on the right road to
Dunkeld.  With the national inquisitiveness
about strangers the countryman asked his
inquirer where he came from.  Offended at the
liberty as he considered it, the traveller
reminded the man that where he came from
was nothing to him, but all the reply he got
was the quiet rejoinder.  "Indeed, it's just as
little to me whar ye'r gaen."




A VIOLENT PARTNER
=================

A gentleman well-known for the violence of
his temper had occasion to escort a lady down
to dinner one evening.  Unfortunately the
lady was extremely deaf, of which fact her
partner was unaware.

After they were seated, the gentleman
addressed the lady, "Madam, may I have the
honour to help you to some fish?"  But he got
no reply; after a pause but still in the most
courteous accents, "Madam, have I your
permission to send you some fish?"  Then a little
quicker, "Are you inclined to take fish?"
Very quick, and rather peremptory, "Madam,
do you choose fish?"  At last the storm
burst, and to everybody's consternation, with
a loud thump on the table and stamp on the
floor, "D---- you, will you have any fish!"




WISDOM
======

An Irishman, being asked the meaning of
the phrase "posthumous works" readily
answered, "Why, to be sure, they are the
books that a man writes after he is dead."




A DOUBTFUL POINT
================

A minister engaged in visiting members in
his parish came to the door of a house where
his gentle tapping could not be heard for the
noise of discussion within.  After waiting a
little, he opened the door and walked in, saying
in an authoritative voice, "I should like to
know who is the head of this house."

"Well, sir," said the husband, and father,
"if you will sit down for a little while, maybe
we'll be able to tell you, for that is the very
point we are now trying to settle."




THE BETTER WAY
==============

A loin of mutton was on a table, and the
gentleman opposite to it took the carving
knife in hand.  "Shall I cut it *saddlewise*?"
he asked.  "You had better cut it *bridlewise*,"
replied the master of the house, "for then we
shall all stand a better chance to get a bit in
our mouths."




A GOOD REASON
=============

"Janet, I think you hardly behave very
respectfully to your own minister in one
respect," said the minister of a Scottish church
to an inattentive member of his congregation.

"Me, sir," exclaimed Janet, "I wad like to see
ony man, no to say ony woman, but yoursel
say that o' me! what can you mean, sir?"

"Well, Janet, ye ken when I preach, you're
almost always fast asleep before I've well
given out my text; but when any of these
young men from other parishes preach for me,
I see you never sleep a wink.  Now, that's
what I call no using me as you should do."

"Hoot, sir," was the reply, "is that a'?
I'll sune tell you the reason of that.  When
you preach we a' ken the word of God's safe in
your hands; but when these young birkies
tak' it in haun, my certie, but it tak's us a'
to look after them."




A NEW TEXT
==========

A man having been to church and slept
through the greater part of the service was
asked by his wife on reaching home what text
had been used for the sermon.  The husband,
confused at the question and unwilling to show
his ignorance stuttered out, "What profiteth
it a man if he lose the whole world and gain
his own soul."




AN AUCTION
==========

Among the conditions of sale by an Irish
auctioneer was the following: "The highest
bidder to be the buyer, unless some gentleman
bids more."




A REAL SPORT
============

A man went out rabbit-shooting, but could
not get any sport.  "So," said he, "I lay
down where they could not see me, and made
a noise like a turnip."




THE SCOTCHMAN'S SOUVENIR
========================

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotchman
who had been on holidays were comparing
the souvenirs they had collected.  The Englishman
had a bust of Shakespeare from
Stratford-on-Avon, the Irishman a matchbox of bog
oak.  "Oh," said the Scotchman, "you can't
beat this," and he produced a tea-spoon
marked "L.&N.W.R."




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