.. -*- encoding: utf-8 -*-

.. meta::
   :PG.Id: 52107
   :PG.Title: That Reminds Me
   :PG.Released: 2016-05-19
   :PG.Rights: Public Domain
   :PG.Producer: Al Haines
   :DC.Creator: Anonymous
   :DC.Title: That Reminds Me
              A Collection of Tales Worth Telling
   :DC.Language: en
   :DC.Created: 1905
   :coverpage: images/img-cover.jpg

===============
THAT REMINDS ME
===============

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      That Reminds Me

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      A Collection of Tales
      Worth Telling

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      "*Show me a Nation's humor, and I
      will show you its civilization.*"

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      Philadelphia
      GEORGE W. JACOBS & CO.
      Publishers

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      COPYRIGHT, 1905,
      BY GEORGE W. JACOBS & Co.
      *Published, October, 1905*.

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.. _`BY THE WAY`:

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   BY THE WAY

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If nonsense is to wisdom near allied
and truth is often spoken in a jest, which
are facts known to very casual observers,
there is much more than the passing
laugh to be derived from such a collection
of anecdote, repartee, and pleasantry
as that gathered together in this volume.

For some years the *Public Ledger* of
Philadelphia, and earlier the *Philadelphia
Times*, before the two journals were
united, have offered premiums for contributions
to a column of jests called "Tales
Worth Telling."  With the permission
of Mr. George W. Ochs of the *Public
Ledger*, the best of these are now
collected and published in permanent form
for a wider audience in the belief that
they will be enjoyed beyond the confines
of the newspaper's community and for
longer than the day for which it is made
and serves its purposes.

There is much Americanism in these
"Tales."  They have the flavor of our
soil; the relish of our nationality.  While
some are plants of foreign growth
removed to our atmosphere in which they
have taken on a new appearance, there
are touches of human nature and
character in all of them.

If all these anecdotes seem not to be
equally laugh-provoking, it is the fate of
anecdotes.  They are meant for different
minds; they have different objects.  If
any shall teach a lesson, or point a moral
while it at the same time fetches a smile,
its purpose will not be lost.

Such humor, springing, as it does, from
the people, much of it being caught at
first hands from those who invented it to
be transcribed for the newspaper in which
it first appeared and now to be preserved
in this volume, illustrates many important
truths in our American character.  Let
that not be forgotten!  "Show me a
nation's humor and I will show you its
civilization," is a sentiment worthy to
become a proverb.  There is hope for the
man or the race of men which is gifted
with the sense of humor if the mind and
lips remain clean and reverent.

The Chinese can read this book as well
as our occidentals.  It can be perused
backward or forward and will need no
index or table of contents.  It can be
taken all at once if time and taste call for
it, or it may be confidently opened by
the skipper and skimmer of books who
travels hither and thither and assails his
literature only at vulnerable points.  It
may perhaps be taken up a second time,
when, reader, if some of these stories
seem to be old friends, you must be
certain not to chide and revile this little
volume, but compliment yourself upon
owning a very retentive mind.

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   BEATEN AT HIS OWN GAME

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The champion liar of the town was
outdoing himself on his pet topic, the
Civil War.  "Talk of mud," he was
saying, "our campaign in the Wilderness
was the worst.  It rained for days
without letting up.  When it did stop we
started off with our artillery.  Soon we
came to a regular water hole, but we
drove straight along, and do you know
that first team went right out of sight."

A newcomer then took the floor.
"I've seen some mud, too," he said.
"When I was a boy, one day after a
terribly wet spring, I saw a hat out in the
road, right in a big puddle, so I waded
out to get it.  Maybe now you won't
believe me, but there was a man under that
hat.  Says I, 'Why, hello! can't I help
you out?'  'Oh, no,' says he, 'guess I
can get along.  I'm a-horse back.'"

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   THE ABSENT BOY'S FAULT

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A certain Sunday-school teacher had
a regular set of questions that she asked
every Sunday.  Beginning with the first
boy she would ask, "Who made you?"
to which he would reply, "The Lord."  Then
she would regularly ask the second
boy, "Who was the first man?" and he
would reply, "Adam."

One Sunday the first boy was away,
and of course the second boy moved into
his place.  As usual, the teacher began
by asking, "Who made you?"

The boy replied, "Adam."

"No, that is not right," said the
teacher.  "The Lord made you."

"I guess not," the child replied.  "The
boy that the Lord made is away to-day."




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   THE "ONE HORSE" RAILROAD

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It was a train of only two cars on a
miserable branch railroad, and was
jogging along at a distressingly low rate of
speed when all of a sudden it came to a
dead stop.  One of the passengers, whose
patience had become exhausted, asked a
brakeman the cause of delay.

"There's a herd of cows on the track,"
he answered.

In about ten minutes the train got
under way again, jerking along
convulsively for about a mile or two, when it
came to a halt.  An old man sitting near
the door turned to the brakeman, who
was plainly annoyed by the many
questions, and said irritably:

"What in thunder is the matter, anyhow?"

"Why, we've caught up to the cows
again!" the brakeman answered.




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   A POSTSCRIPT

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The editor of a rural paper visited a
large city just after the shooting of
Mr. McKinley and took great interest in the
newspaper bulletins informing the public
of the president's condition.  Shortly
after the editor's return home, Deacon
Jones was taken seriously ill, and the
following bulletins were promptly posted:

10.00 A.M--Deacon Jones no better.
ll.00 A.M.--Deacon Jones has relapse.
12.30 P.M.--Deacon Jones weaker.  Pulse failing.
2.15 P.M.--Deacon Jones's family summoned.
3.10 P.M--Deacon Jones has died and gone to Heaven.


Later in the afternoon a traveling
salesman happened by, stopped to read the
bulletins, and, going to the board, added:

4.10 P.M.--Great excitement in Heaven; Deacon
Jones has not yet arrived.  The
worst is feared.




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   HOW COULD HE KNOW

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Jim Murphy had been accused of selling
liquor illicitly and the prosecuting
attorney was endeavoring to make Pat, a
job teamster, admit that he had delivered
liquor to the defendant.  He stated that
he had once delivered freight to Murphy
and that part of that freight was a barrel,
but when asked what the barrel
contained he replied that he did not know.

"Don't know!  Wasn't the barrel
marked?" asked the attorney.

"Yis, sor."

"Then how dare you tell the court
that you don't know what was in it?"

"Because, sor, the barrel was marked
'Jim Murphy' on one end and 'Bourbon
Whiskey' on the other.  How the divil
did I know which was in it?"




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   A SECRET

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A man who had purchased a fine-looking
horse soon discovered that the animal
was blind, and after several weeks he
succeeded in disposing of her, as the defect
did not seem to lessen her speed nor
detract from her general appearance.
The next day the new owner of the horse
appeared.

"Say, you know that mare you sold
me?" he began.  "She's stone blind."

"I know it," replied her past owner
with an easy air.

"You didn't say anything to me about
it," said the purchaser, his face red with
anger.

"Well, you see," replied the other,
"that fellow who sold her to me didn't
tell me about it and I just concluded that
he didn't want it known."




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   AT THE WRONG DOOR

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The following story is told of an
American gentleman who was recently
stopping with his wife at the Hotel Cecil
in London.

The first evening there she happened
to return somewhat earlier than her
spouse.  Arriving at the door of what
he supposed was his own room and
finding it locked, he tapped and called,
"Honey."  No answer came and he
again called more loudly, "Honey."  Still
there was no reply, and becoming
somewhat uneasy, he shouted the
endearing term with his full strength.
This time an answer came and in a male
voice.

"Go away, you blithering idiot!  This
is a bathroom, not a blooming beehive."




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   HOW IT MIGHT NOT HAVE HAPPENED

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Hon. James M. Beck tells the following
story of an argument made by a
rural barrister before a justice in a court
in Pennsylvania.

The case was one in which the
plaintiff sought to recover damages from a
railroad company for the killing of a
cow.  During the course of his argument,
the country lawyer used this expressive
sentence:

"If the train had been run as it should
have been ran, or if the bell had been
rung as it should have been rang, or if
the whistle had been blown as it should
have been blew, both of which they did
neither, the cow would not have been
injured when she was killed."




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   NOT A GOOD SWIMMER

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Two men in the West were to be
hanged for horse stealing.  The place
selected was the middle of a trestle
bridge spanning a river.  The rope was
not securely tied about the neck of the
first man to be dropped, and the knot
slipped; he fell in the river and
immediately swam for the shore.  As they
were adjusting the rope for the second
culprit, an Irishman, he remarked:

"Will yez be sure and tie that good
and tight, 'cause I can't swim."




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   THE IRISHMAN AND HIS MULE

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General Sheridan was once asked at
what little incident he had laughed the
most.

"Well," he said, "I do not know, but
always laugh when I think of the Irishman
and the army mule.  I was riding
down the line one day, when I saw an
Irishman mounted on a mule, which was
kicking its legs rather freely.  The mule
finally caught its hoof in the stirrup,
when, in the excitement, the Irishman
exclaimed, 'Well, if you're going to get
on, I'll get off.'"




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   BUSINESS HABIT

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Some time ago a tramp was walking
along, asking the pedestrians whom he
met for alms.  He stopped in front of
the shop of a Jewish second-hand
merchant; suddenly he entered it and
appreached the dealer, saying,

"Excuse me, sir, but would you
kindly give me a few pennies for a bed?"

The man looked at him and said with
a characteristic business-like air,

"Vare is dot ped?  Let me see it."




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   A TEACHER'S JOYS

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A Philadelphia school-teacher tells
this story:

"Last week I was teaching a spelling
lesson to a class of little second-graders.
The word 'each' occurred, was written,
on the board, and from it I expected to
derive 'peach,' 'reach,' 'teach,' etc.
Pointing to the word, I said, 'Can any
child give a sentence using "each"?'

"A hand was unhesitatingly thrust up
and a little German girl replied,  'Does
your back each?'"




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   FAMILY PRIDE

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A number of little girls were boasting
of the rank of their respective families.
They had passed from clothes to
personal appearance, then to interior
furnishings, and finally came to parental
dignity.  The minister's little girl
boasted:

"Every package that comes for my
papa is marked D.D."

"And every package that comes for
my papa is marked M.D.," retorted the
daughter of the physician.

Then followed a look of contempt
from the youngest of the party.  "Hugh,"
she exclaimed, "every package that
comes to our house is marked C.O.D."




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   ON THE WITNESS STAND

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Thomas Barry, a Boston lawyer, was
recently examining an Irish witness in a
municipal court in a suit having to do
with an accident on the street cars.  Here
is a fragment of the information elicited
by the lawyer's advice that the witness
give an account of the disaster in his
own words.

"Well, the man fell in th' str-reet as'
the car-r passed; thin th' car-r stopped,
an' we all ran out.  The cr-rowd
gathered ar-round th' man and shouted:
'He's kilt; he's kilt!'  Thin Oi jumped
in, pulled a dozen of the spalpeens out
uv th' way and yells at 'em: 'Yez
thick-heads, yez!  If the man's kilt why in
Hivvin's name don't yez stand to one
side and let him have a br-reath of air-r."




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   DEFECTIVE EDUCATION

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A well-known citizen of Baltimore was
recently spending a few days with his
wife at Atlantic City.  When he seated
himself in the dining-room on the
evening of his arrival he discovered that he
could not read the menu, as he had left
his glasses in his room.  His wife was
in the same predicament, so calling a
waiter he said:

"Read that to me and I will give you
half a dollar."

Quick as a flash the waiter replied:

"'Scuse me, boss, but I ain't had much
ejication maself!"




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   UNAVOIDABLE LAUGHTER

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"Mary," said a lady to her cook, "I
must insist that you keep better hours
and that you have less company in the
kitchen at night.  Last night you kept
me from sleeping because of the uproarious
laughter of one of your women friends."

"Yis, mum, I know," was the reply;
"but she couldn't help it.  I was tellin'
her how you tried to make cake one day."




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   SHE WAS EXCUSED

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One evening as the mother of a little
niece of Phillips Brooks was tucking her
snugly into bed, the maid stepped in and
said there was a caller waiting in the
parlor.  The mother told the child to
say her prayers and promised that she
would be back in a few minutes.  The
caller remained only a short time and
when the mother went up-stairs again,
she asked the little girl if she had done
as she was bidden.

"Yes, mamma, I did and I didn't,"
she said.

"What do you mean by that, dear?"

"Well, mamma, I was awfully sleepy
so I just asked God if He wouldn't excuse
me to-night and He said, 'Oh, don't
mention it, Miss Brooks.'"




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   A WRONG TRANSLATION

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Senator Quay was fond of telling a
story of an experience of his in a country
hotel near Pittsburg.

Hanging on the wall in the parlor was
an inscription, "Ici on parle Français."  The
Senator noted the sign and turning
to the landlord said, "Do you speak
French?"

"No," the man replied, "United States
will do for me."

"Well, then," said Quay, "why do you
have that notice on the wall?  That
means, 'French is spoken here.'"

"Well, I'll be blamed!" ejaculated the
hotel-keeper.  "A young chap sold that
to me for 'God bless our home.'"




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   GETTING EVEN WITH HIM

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Mr. W----, who used to be president
of the Seaboard Air Line, is a good
friend of Mr. S----, president of the
Southern Railway.  The friends of the
two are fond of springing upon them this
story:

In sending out complimentary passes
to officials of the Seaboard system it
happened through error that the Southern
sent to Mr. W---- a pass marked "Not
good on the Washington and South-western
Limited."  When he received it
Mr. W---- looked up the Seaboard pass
that was to be sent to Mr. S----.  With
a pen he wrote across it:

"Not good on passenger trains."




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   COMING DOWN LIKE A LADY

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A young lady was entertaining callers
one evening when her little sister came
down the stairway in a noisy manner.
"Frances," said the annoyed elder sister,
"you came down-stairs so that you could
be heard all over the house.  Now, go
back and come down properly."

Frances retired, and in a few minutes
reentered the parlor.

"Did you hear me come down-stairs
this time, Marjie?" asked the little girl
anxiously.

"No, dear; this time you came down
like a lady."

"Yes'm," explained Frances, exhibiting
some pride and satisfaction in her
performance, "this time I slid down the
banisters."




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   NOT A POPULAR CANDIDATE

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A dispute arose on a train one election
day as to who would be elected Governor
of Pennsylvania.  One man stoutly
maintained that Pattison would be elected,
while another said Pennypacker would
receive an immense majority.  An Irishman
on the train offered twenty-five dollars
on the first-named candidate.

"You're both mistaken," said a
religious-looking man after the discussion
had gone on for some time.

"Bedad! who will be Governor, thin?"
asked the Celt.

"The Lord," said the old man solemnly.
"He will be Governor of Pennsylvania."

There was silence for a moment, and
then the Celt shouted out:

"Begorry, an' I bet you twenty-five
dollars that He don't carry Pittsburg."




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   JOHNNY'S CONSCIENCE

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A teacher in one of our city schools
defined conscience as "something within
you that tells you when you have done
wrong."

"Oh, yes," said a little lad at the end
of the room, "I had it once last summer
after I'd eaten green apples, but they had
to send for a doctor."




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   NOT TO BE DISSUADED

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A number of salesmen were discussing
the subject of traveling through the
South.

"I have often wondered," said one of
them, "how those boys, who take your
hats in the dining-rooms of southern
hotels and place them in a rack without
checks know which hat to give you.  If
thought I would try and fool one.  One
day when I had finished lunch, and the
boy had handed me my hat, I tried it on
and pretended it was a misfit.

"'This is not my hat,' I said, but he
was ready with his answer.

"'Dat may not be youah hat, sah,' he
replied calmly, 'but it am de hat what
you gib me when you come in.'"




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   AS LITTLE AS POSSIBLE

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An Irishman walked into a men's
furnishing goods store the other day and
said:

"Oi want to get somethin' fer mournin'
wear, but Oi don't know exactly what
the coostom is.  What do they be
wearin' now fer mournin'?"

"It depends," explained the salesman,
"on how near the relative is for whom
you wish to show this mark of respect.
For a very near relative, you should have
an all black suit.  For some one not so
near you may have a broad band of
black on the left arm or a somewhat
narrower one for somebody more distant."

"Och! is that it?  Well, thin, gimme
a shoe string.  It's me woife's mither."




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   SQUARING THE ACCOUNT

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A practical joker of New York City
tells this story upon himself, and declares
that the experience cured him of his bad
habit:

On my arrival at San Francisco, as a
joke I sent to a friend of mine at home,
well known for his aversion to spending
money, a telegram, with charges to
collect, reading, "I am perfectly well."

The information evidently was gratifying
to him, for about a week after sending
the telegram an express package was
delivered at my room, on which I paid
four dollars for charges.  Upon opening
the package I found a large New York
street paving block, on which was pasted
a card, which read, "This is the weight
your recent telegram lifted from my
heart."




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   THE IRISH BULL

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Two Celts who had been backsliding
in their religious duties, had taken the
pledge and were trying to summon
sufficient courage to attend church.  Each
disliked the idea of going because of the
gossip it would create, so they agreed to
be present at the same service on the
principle that misery loves company.

"But, Casey," asked one, "how am Oi
to know if yez be there?"

"Why, Patr-rick, if Oi get ther-re
fur-ist Oi'll make a chalk mar-rk on the
wall beside th' dure."

"A good plan, faith," said Patrick;
"an' Casey, if Oi get ther-re fur-ist Oi'll
rub the mar-rk out so that yez'll know."




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   MORE BULLS

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This is submitted as an ideal example
of the Irish "bull":

Roger: "Timothy, yez is dr-unk."

Timothy: "Roger, Oi'm not--an' if
'Oi was sober-r yez would not dare to
say so."

Roger: "An' Timothy, if yez was
sober-r yez'd have sinse enough to know
ye wuz dr-runk."




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   THE INTELLIGENT GOAT

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Three colored men were discussing the
intelligence of different animals.  One
favored the dog; another, the horse; but old
Peter Jackson said, "In my opinion de
goat am de 'telligentest critter livin'.  De
goat kin read, I saw him do it.  Once I
wuz walkin' down street dressed in mah
best suit, an' wearin' mah new plug hat.
When I got down on de main street, I
seed a billboa'd on which it said: 'Chew
Jackson's Plug.'  A goat wuz standin'
thar when I passed an' when I wuz about
ten feet away he must hab recognized me,
for de next thing I knew, I went sailin'
in de mud.  When I looked 'roun' dat
goat wuz chewin' mah plug hat for all he
wuz worth.  Gem'men, da is no question
in mah mind about de 'telligence ob de
goat.  He am a wondah."




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   WHERE THEY GET IT

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George Ade, not long ago, was speaking
of the curious ideas some children
have of the most ordinary things.  Ade
then said the story he was about to tell
actually occurred in Indiana, his native
State.  There was a little boy, who, on
seeing a pan of warm, freshly-drawn
milk, inquired where the cows got their
milk.

"Where do you get your tears?" was
the reply.

"Gee!" exclaimed the youngster, "do
you have to spank the cows?"




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   NEAR ENOUGH

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It was a Maine girl of whom the story
is told that she refused to marry a most
devoted lover until he had amassed a
fortune of ten thousand dollars.  After
some expostulation he accepted the
verdict and went to work.  About three
months after this bargain had been made
the young lady, meeting her lover, said:

"Well, Charley, how are you getting
along?"

"Oh, very well indeed," Charley
returned cheerfully.  "I've eighteen
dollars saved."

The young lady blushed and looked
down at the toes of her walking boots.
"I guess," she said, faintly, "I guess,
Charley, that's about near enough."




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   A CLOSE SHAVE

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A little girl asked her mother if there
were any men in heaven.

"Mamma," she said, "I never saw a
picture of an angel with a beard or a
mustache.  Do men ever go to heaven?"

"Oh! yes," replied her mother, "men
go to heaven, but it's always by a close
shave."




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   TOO MUCH LIKE HOME

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Three men determined to rob a certain
house.  So, on the night chosen for
the deed, they gathered in front of the
building.  One of them entered and
started up-stairs.  He had his boots on
and, when near the landing, they
squeaked.  A female voice was heard
in one of the rooms.

"You go right down-stairs and take
those boots off.  I'm tired of having to
clean up mud and dirt after you.  March
right down and take them off."

The burglar turned about, went down
the steps, and joining his companions, said:

"Boys, I couldn't rob that house, it
seems too much like home."




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   A DISTINGUISHED VISITOR

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It happened on an inauguration day
in Washington and a member of a
governor's staff was, for the first time,
arrayed in his full uniform.  When he
arrived at the Capitol, he remembered
having left something at his boarding-house
and turned back after it.  The
landlady's small daughter answered the
bell.  She did not recognize the lodger
in his showy and magnificent dress.

"Who is it?" asked the mother before
going into the parlor.

"I don't know, mamma, but I think
it's God."




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   HOW HE KNEW

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In a New York court, counsel for the
defense, in a case of assault, was
questioning a witness for the prosecution.
"Now, you say you saw the quarrel
between the two men?"

"Yes," replied the man, who
happened to be a carpenter.

"How far away from them were you?"

"Just four yards, two feet, three and
one-half inches."

"What do you mean?" shouted the
attorney.  "You don't mean to say that
you can measure distance that accurately
with your eye?"

"No," said the carpenter, quietly;
"but I knew some fool would ask me,
so I measured it."




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   WORSE YET

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Henry H. Rogers, the Copper and
Standard Oil magnate, was visited
recently by one of his friends who has
been under the weather for months.
Mr. Rogers inquired kindly after the health
of his caller.

"I have been staying down at Lakewood,
New Jersey, for six months," was
the reply, "and I've been pretty low.  In
fact, I never was in so bad a state before."

Mr. Rogers smiled and asked quietly:

"You've never been in Montana, have you?"




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   AMENITIES OF THE BAR

.. vspace:: 1

Judge Norton was solemn, stern and
dignified to excess.  He was also
egotistical, and sensitive to ridicule.  Judge
Nelson was a wit and careless of decorum.
He did not like Judge Norton.

At a Bar supper Judge Norton in an
elaborate speech, referring to the early
days of Wisconsin, described with tragic
manner a thunder-storm which once
overtook him in riding the circuit; the scene
was awful, "and," said the Judge, "I
expected every moment the lightning would
strike the tree under which I had taken
shelter."

"Then," interrupted Nelson, "why in
thunder didn't you get under another tree?"




.. vspace:: 3

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   AT SUNDAY-SCHOOL

.. vspace:: 1

In a down-town Sunday-school a few
Sundays ago the teacher asked a class of
girls: "Can any little girl here tell
me what the Epistles are?"

"I think I know," said one child.

"Well, Dorothy?"

"The Epistles were the Lady Apostles."




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   A STORY ABOUT CHICAGO

.. vspace:: 1

Two New York women were lunching
together at a favorite café.

"One hears strange stories about
Chicago," said the woman in the
chinchilla tricorne, "but I never believed
half of them until I went there a while
ago on a visit.  Will you believe, my
dear, that I went to a dinner where there
was a little silver trumpet beside each
soup plate?"

"What were they for?" inquired the
girl with the violets.

"I didn't know at first, but I found
out later that they were called 'soup
coolers,' and were used for blowing the
soup!" said the traveled one.


.. vspace:: 3

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   A BRIGHT PUPIL

.. vspace:: 1

A pupil in one of the rural schools of
Lehigh County, Pennsylvania, was told
by his teacher to form a sentence with
the word "cuckoo" in it.  The youngster
at once replied, "Chust because she made
those cuckoo eyes."




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   A VIEW IN SCOTLAND

.. vspace:: 1

Two smart young men from London
once came upon a respectable-looking
shepherd in Argyleshire, and accosted
him with:

"You have a very fine view here--you
can see a great way."

"Yu ay, yu ay, a ferry great way."

"Ah! you can see America here, I suppose?"

"Farrar than that."

"How is that?"

"Yu jist wait tule the mists gang awa'
and you'll see the mune."




.. vspace:: 3

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   A SLIGHT MISUNDERSTANDING

.. vspace:: 1

Colonel Maltby tells of a neighbor of
his at St. David's who went home at a
rather unusual hour of the day.

"Can you tell me of my wife's whereabouts?"
he asked of the family servant.

Bridget hesitated for a moment and
then replied, "Faith, to tell ye the truth,
I really belave they're in the wash."




.. vspace:: 3

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   THE SKYSCRAPER

.. vspace:: 1

At a recent dinner there were present
a Frenchman and his wife who had
recently come to America.  They were
having some difficulty with our language.

In the course of the conversation, the
Frenchman remarked to his neighbor at
table, "I haf moosh interest in your high
beeldings in zis countree.  Vot you call
zem--sky creepers?"

"Oh, no," broke in his wife, "zat iss
not right.  It iss sky scratchers."




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   POOR JUDGMENT

.. vspace:: 1

"But, papa," protested Gladys, "I am
not a bit too young to marry.  You know
perfectly well that you married mamma
when she was eighteen, and I am a whole
year older than that."

"I know, but I never thought much
of your mother's judgment in that respect."

.. vspace:: 3

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   HE WOULD TAKE IT WITH HIM

.. vspace:: 1

Horace T. Eastman, the inventor of
the locomotive pilot, is said to be
responsible for this story.

"I was sitting in a drug store waiting
to get a prescription filled, when a young
Irishman entered.  He pointed to a stack
of green castile soap and said:

"'Oi want a loomp o' thot.'

"'Very well, sir,' said the clerk, 'will
you have it scented or unscented?'

"'Oi'll take ut with me,' said the Irishman."


.. vspace:: 3

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   CORRECT

.. vspace:: 1

"Who can tell me who our first
President was?" asked the teacher.

"George Washington," instantly
answered a bright boy.

"George Washington was our first
President," replied the teacher, "and this
is what you should have said.  Never
reply to such questions in monosyllables.
Now, who can tell me what I have on
my feet?"

"Shoes," spoke up one boy.

"You have not answered correctly.
Who can answer that question in a
correct manner?"

"Stockings," suggested another boy.

"No, no, no!  That is not the way."

At this a boy in a back seat began to
wave his hand eagerly.  "Well, what
have I on my feet, Johnnie?"

"Corns," replied John triumphantly.




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   THE UNPRONOUNCEABLE HYMN

.. vspace:: 1

An anecdote is narrated of a negro
evangelist who held evening services in
a chapel formerly used by the Anglican
Church.  In a hymnal, which had been
left there, he found an old familiar hymn
suitable for his sermon, but the Roman
number CXIX somewhat confused him
and he was not at once able to announce it.

As was the custom, he read the verses
through, still showing signs of embarrassment
and then reread the first stanza.
This did not seem to aid him or the
congregation, and at last he straightened
himself and said with dignity, "Brethren,
let us sing the Skeesix Hymn."




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   A PAINFUL DEATH

.. vspace:: 1

During a celebrated murder trial in
New York City there were among the
many interested spectators two men,
between whom the following conversation
occurred:

"The evidence will convict the prisoner
sure," remarked one.

"Not only convict him, but will hang
him," returned the other.

"Man alive!  They don't hang
murderers in New York!"

"Well, what do they do with them?"

"Kill them with elocution."




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   HE DID

.. vspace:: 1

Judge Parker is said to tell as a
favorite story the tale of a young man in
Savannah named Du Bose, who invited
his sweetheart to take a buggy ride with
him.  The young woman had a very
fetching lisp.  When they reached a
rather lonesome bit of road the young
man announced:

"This is where you have to pay toll.
The toll is either a kiss or a squeeze."

"Oh, Mr. Du Both!" exclaimed his companion.




.. vspace:: 3

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   NOT AT HOME

.. vspace:: 1

A caller stopped at the house of a
certain man and asked if he was at
home.

"'Deed, an' he's not," replied the
woman who answered his ring.

"Can you tell me where he is?"

"I cannot."

"When did you see him last?"

"At his funeral."

"And who may you be?"

"I'm his remains," said the widow, and
she closed the door.



.. vspace:: 3

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   MIXED PROVERBS

.. vspace:: 1

On a cabbage patch owned by a negro
in a Southern community oil was found.
Speculators offered the negro $20,000,
which was accepted without waiting to
consider another proposition, said to be
worth $40,000.

"What is this about your cabbage
patch?" inquired a neighbor of the
negro.  "I understand you have sold
it for $20,000."

"Yas, that's true, boss," replied the
negro.  "Yo' see, men come picking
round my place an' dey say dar's oil
heah.  Dey say, 'We gib yo' $20,000.'  I
say  'All right.'"

"I am told if you had waited a day
or two you might have sold it for
$40,000?"

"Yas, dat mebbe so; but a bird in
the hand's th' nobles' work of God!"




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   AN ENDLESS CHAIN

.. vspace:: 1

A lady who was visiting the home of
a friend had just given each of the
children a penny.  When the savings bank
was produced and the coins were
deposited therein, the lady made the
remark that the children had a lot of
money.

"Oh, yes," said little Mary.  "Mamma
is very good to us.  Every time we
take our castor oil without crying she
gives us a penny."

"And what do you do with all the
money?" asked the visitor.

"Why, mamma buys some more castor
oil with it!"




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   IT WOULD DEPEND

.. vspace:: 1

Franklin B. Gowen at one time tried a
case in court against a man who was
defended by a lawyer named Browne.
The issue involved was an important one
and every point was vigorously
contested.  During the trial Mr. Gowen
frequently referred to Mr. Browne as
"Mr. Brow-nie," which embarrassed the
lawyer so much that the presiding judge
noticed it.  "Mr. Gowen, the name of
the plaintiff's counsel is Browne, not
Brow-nie.  Now, my name is Greene,
G-r-e-e-n-e, and you wouldn't call me
Gree-nie, would you?"  To which
Mr. Gowen replied, "That will depend
altogether on how you decide this case."




.. vspace:: 3

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   NECESSARY LABOR

.. vspace:: 1

The other Sunday two small boys
were industriously digging in a vacant
lot, when a man who was passing stopped
to give them a lecture.

"Don't you know that it is a sin to
dig on Sunday, unless it be a case of
necessity?" asked the good man.

"Yes, sir," timidly replied one of the boys.

"Then why don't you stop it?"

"'Cause this is a case of necessity,"
replied the little philosopher.  "A feller
can't fish without bait."




.. vspace:: 3

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   THE RETORT COURTEOUS

.. vspace:: 1

Daniel Webster was noted for his ready
wit, and the following example of it is
told by a man whose father heard the
statesman's retort:

Webster was standing one afternoon
on Pennsylvania Avenue, in Washington,
talking with a Senator from South
Carolina.  Between them there was a certain
ill-concealed enmity.  As they were
talking a drove of mules was driven past
them.  The Senator remarked:

"Webster, why don't you bow?  There
go some of your constituents."

Quick as a flash Webster took off his
hat, and, bowing gravely, replied:

"Yes, Senator, we are sending them
down South to teach school."




.. vspace:: 3

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   A RESPONSIVE CHORD

.. vspace:: 1

A woman of Madison County, New
York, was in Washington during the
second term of President Cleveland and
with her husband took occasion to go to
see the chief executive at one of the
large public receptions.  All was new
and grand to the couple, but the sight of
the endless line of handshakers elicited
the genuine sympathy of the old woman
for the First Lady of the Land.  No
doubt, this feeling was considerably
stimulated by her own weariness from
long standing in line, which had about
exhausted her strength as well as her
patience.  When finally she did reach
the president and his wife, she exclaimed:

"Mrs. Cleveland, be you very tired?"

With quick adaptability and very gentle
earnestness, Mrs. Cleveland replied:

"Yes, I be."




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   HE WAS RAISED

.. vspace:: 1

A year ago a manufacturer hired a
boy.  For months, there was nothing
noticeable about him except that he
never took his eyes off the machine he
was running.  A few weeks ago, the
manufacturer looked up from his work
to see the boy standing beside his desk.

"What do you want?" he asked.

"Want my pay raised."

"What are you getting?"

"Three dollars a week."

"Well, how much do you think you
are worth?"

"Four dollars."

"You think so, do you?"

"Yes, sir, an' I've been thinkin' so fer
three weeks, but I've been so blame
busy, I haven't had time to speak to you
about it."




.. vspace:: 3

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   NOT A FAIR HEAD

.. vspace:: 1

An Irishman was arrested and convicted
for killing a man in a fight at a
fair by cracking him over the head with
a shillalah.  At the trial it was shown
that the victim possessed a very thin
skull and the Irishman being asked if he
had anything to say before sentence was
pronounced, replied:

"No, your honor; but was that a skull
for a man to go to a fair with?"




.. vspace:: 3

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   AN UNUSUAL SIGHT

.. vspace:: 1

A captain of an English regiment
stationed at Natal, while paying off his
company, chanced to give one of his
new recruits a Transvaal half crown
which bears the image and superscription
of Paul Kruger.  The fellow soon
returned with the coin and, throwing it on
the table, declared it was bad.  The
officer took the piece of money and rang
it on the table.

"It sounds all right, Atkins: what's
the matter with it?" he asked.

"Well, sir," replied Atkins, "if you
say it's all right, it's all right, but it's the
first time I've seed the Queen with
whiskers on."




.. vspace:: 3

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   VERY LONG AGO

.. vspace:: 1

In the northwestern section of the city
there is a teacher who has charge of a
primary class.  One morning she was
giving her pupils a lesson on the Civil
War and wished to impress on their
minds how long ago it had occurred.

"Just think, children," she said, "it
was so long ago that even I don't remember it."

"O-o-o-o Gee!" exclaimed one of the boys.





.. vspace:: 3

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   FASHIONABLE LOVE

.. vspace:: 1

Little Mary's big sister was engaged to
Mr. Brown, who was away on a trip with
Mary's brother.  Her father was writing
to his son and prospective son-in-law and
asked the little girl if she had any
message to send to Mr. Brown.

"What shall I say, papa?" asked she

"Why," said the father, "I believe it
is the fashion to send your love."

A few minutes later her father inquired,
"And what shall I say to brother Tom?"

"Well," replied the little miss, with a
sigh, "you may send my fashionable love
to Mr. Brown and my real love to brother Tom."




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   NOT THEIR SORT

.. vspace:: 1

One warm summer day, Bishop C----,
who is fond of donning old clothes and
tramping through the mountains of West
Virginia, entered an inn where several
men were drawn up at the bar.

"Come join us," called out one of the
men hospitably.

"No, thank you," said the bishop.
"The fact is, I never drink."

"Do you eat hay?" retorted the West
Virginian, nettled at the bishop's refusal
and eying him quizzically.

"No," was the bland reply.

"Then I say," drawled the mountaineer
looking at the others to see the effect
of his witticism, "then I say, you're not
fit company for man or beast."




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   FOLLOWING THE SEA

.. vspace:: 1

Two Irishmen had taken a day off and
had gone on a little pleasure trip to
Atlantic City.  Walking beside the sea one
of them exclaimed:

"Pat, would yer like to follow the sea
always?"

"Shure, an' that Oi would," replied
Pat, "if Oi could go the whole distance
on the boardwalk."




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   HE RESPECTFULLY SUBSCRIBED

.. vspace:: 1

One of the stories attributed to Bishop
Potter concerns a young and inexperienced
clergyman who had just been
called to a city charge.  At the end of
the first month his salary was paid by a
check, and he took it to the bank and
passed it in at the paying-teller's window.
The official looked at it and then passed
it back.

"It's perfectly good," he said, "but I
will have to ask you to indorse it."

The young clergyman took his pen
and wrote across the face of the check,
"I respectfully subscribe to the
sentiments herein expressed."




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   PROOF OF ACCIDENT

.. vspace:: 1

The lady of the house was congratulating
herself on obtaining a very good
cook--the only trouble was her carelessness.

One day hearing a dish fall and break,
and the cook's remark, "Hup, there she
goes!" she called her, and said:

"Can't you be more careful?  You
seem to enjoy breaking dishes."

"Indade," replied the cook consolingly,
"'tis only cheap chinyware you
use; shure, there's no pleasure in breakin'
thot koind."




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   A POWERFUL POISON

.. vspace:: 1

A certain high school teacher amused
his students the other day during a
lecture on chemistry by relating a story
about an old German professor who, in
narrating the fact that cyanide of
potassium was a very deadly poison, went so
far as to say that "one drop of this stuff
placed on the tongue of a rabbit would
kill the strongest man!"




.. vspace:: 3

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   WHY HE LAUGHED

.. vspace:: 1

On one occasion, Dan Leno, the
London comedian, had appeared at a house
in Park Lane, and given his best
entertainment.  The languor of his listeners
made him feel not too happy, and he
was glad to retire to the dressing-room
allotted him.  While he was removing
the paint a very young peer, who had
strolled after him, told Leno in the most
approved drawl that some of his sayings
had really been rather funny.

"Especially that one, you know, where
your wife made a pancake on a gridiron
and the pancake slipped through and put
the fire out.  That made me laugh awfully,
because I know what a gridiron is.
I have seen one."




.. vspace:: 3

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   A SAFEGUARD

.. vspace:: 1

One cool day last June, just after the
public bathhouses had been opened, a
boy of ten or twelve came into school
with his hair very wet.  The teacher at.
once surmised that he had been indulging
in a bath, and asked him about it.  He
admitted the fact.

"Weren't you afraid you'd take cold?"
she asked.

"No, ma'am, the water is filtered."




.. vspace:: 3

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   HOW SHE DEPARTED

.. vspace:: 1

At an employment bureau, an Irish
girl was asked regarding her past record.
She gave satisfactory replies to all the
questions, but had no reason for leaving
the place she had last held.  Finally she
was asked point blank:

"Now tell me, did you have any words
with your mistress that led to your giving
up the position?"

"Niver a wor-rd, sor," she was quick
to respond, "niver a wor-rd, shure; Oi
jist quietly locked the dure in the
bathroom whin she was insoide, tuk all me
things, sor, and lift the place."




.. vspace:: 3

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   CONCEALING HIS CONTEMPT

.. vspace:: 1

That doughty Pennsylvanian, Thaddeus
Stevens, once displayed so much
annoyance and disgust with the decision
in a case on which he was engaged that
he reached for his hat and started out of
the court-room in the most informal
way.  Near the door he was stopped by
the voice of the judge:

"Mr. Stevens, are you trying to
express your contempt for the court?"

"No, your honor," Stevens replied, "I
am trying to conceal it."




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   THE PHYSICIAN'S FEE

.. vspace:: 1

A very eminent physician had cured a
little girl of a dangerous illness.  "Doctor,"
said the mother, "I really don't know
how to express my gratitude, but thought
perhaps you would be so kind as to
accept this purse embroidered by my own
hands."

"Madam," replied the doctor coldly,
"small presents serve to sustain friendships;
but they don't sustain our families.
A physician's visits should be rewarded
in money."

"But, doctor," said the lady alarmed
and wounded, "speak, tell me the fee."

"Two hundred dollars, madam."

The lady opened the embroidered
purse, took out five bank notes of one
hundred dollars each, gave two to the
doctor, put the remaining three back in
the purse, bowed coldly and departed.




.. vspace:: 3

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   TWO TO ONE

.. vspace:: 1

Seated in a crowded traction car some
time since was a very-stout woman who
weighed about three hundred pounds,
and beside her, squeezing into a space
about three inches broad, was a
messenger boy--one of those very small
abused-looking boys.

The stout woman, after looking about
the car for a while, noticed two young
ladies standing near her and, turning to
the small boy beside her, said:

"Little boy, why don't you get up and
let one of those young ladies sit down?"

"Why don't you get up and let 'em
both sit down?" replied the boy much
to the amusement of the rest of the passengers.




.. vspace:: 3

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   A GOOD REASON

.. vspace:: 1

A professor tells this story at his own
expense:

He was instructing a class of boys
about the circulation of the blood and to
make sure that they understood him he
said, "Can you tell me why it is that if I
stood on my head the blood would rush
to my head, and when I stand on my
feet, there is no rush of blood to the
feet?"

Then a small boy after pausing for a
short time answered, "It is because your
feet are not empty, sir."




.. vspace:: 3

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   IN MOURNING

.. vspace:: 1

His wife had been dead but a few
weeks when a young farmer living near
Reading, Pennsylvania, a typical Berks
County German, made good the
deficiency and married again.  That there
should be no violation of the proprieties,
however, was soon made plain by his
treatment of the bride's proposal that he
drive her to town on the following Sunday.

"What!" he exclaimed, "you sink I
ride out wit anoter woman so soon after
the deat' of my wife?"




.. vspace:: 3

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   SELF-SACRIFICE

.. vspace:: 1

The friends of a certain merchant had
been interested for several months in a
house which he had been building in the
suburbs.  It was a modern dwelling the
exterior of which was attractive, but few
had yet seen the interior.  One morning
friend met the merchant on a trolley car.

"So your house is built at last?" said
the friend.

"Yes."

"But I thought the plans didn't suit you?"

"Oh, they don't," came the reply;
"but they suit my wife, the architect, and
the cook."




.. vspace:: 3

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   PRE-NUPTIAL CONFIDENCES

.. vspace:: 1

She was an exacting young woman
and before she would promise to marry
him, he had to answer a great many
questions relating to his past life.  He
thought he had given her a very fair
account of himself, but, just when the
wedding ceremony was about to take
place, he remembered an omission and,
fearing that she might have cause for
future reproach, he whispered in her ear:

"Mary, there is one thing I have not
told you yet.  I am a Universalist.  Does
it matter, love?"

"No, I guess not, dear," said the bride
serenely, "I am a somnambulist."




.. vspace:: 3

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   WONDERED HOW THEY MET

.. vspace:: 1

Not very far from one of our large
cities lives a happy little family of three,
father, mother and a little lad of about
five years.

"Father, where were you born?"
asked the youthful heir.

"In Chester," replied his father.

"And where was mother born?"

"Your mother was born in London."

"But father, where was I born?"

"My child, you were born in Philadelphia.
Why do you ask?"

"Oh, nothing, only I think it's very
funny how we three people ever met one
another."




.. vspace:: 3

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   AFTER DEATH IN AFRICA

.. vspace:: 1

Two old-time darkies were engaged in
a discussion of death and its mysteries
when Uncle Mose said:

"Reuben, does you b'lieve dat whin a
pusson dies he kin turn into a dorg er a
chicken?"

"Well, I dunno," answered Reuben,
"ef you had yo' way whin you dies,
would you turn to a chicken?"

"Dat depend altogedder."

"Altogedder on what?"

"On whedder er not you lived in de
nearabouts."




.. vspace:: 3

.. class:: center medium bold

   IS AND HAS BEEN

.. vspace:: 1

An Englishman went into a restaurant
in a New England town and was served
for his first course with a delicacy
unknown to him.  So he asked the waiter
what it was and the waiter replied:

"It's bean soup, sir."

Upon this the Englishman rejoined in
high dudgeon, "I don't care what it's
been, I want to know what it is."




.. vspace:: 3

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   THE COMPENSATION OF LIFE

.. vspace:: 1

Bridget and Pat were sitting on a sofa
reading an article on "The Laws of
Compensation."

"Just fancy," exclaimed Bridget, "accordin'
to this, whin a mon loses wan av
's sinses another gits more developed.
For instance, a bloind mon gits more
sinse av hearin' an' touch, an'----"

"Shure an' it's quite thrue," answered
Pat, "Oi've noticed it mesilf.  Whin a
mon has wan leg shorter than the other,
begorre the other's longer."




.. vspace:: 3

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   IN THE SLEEPING CITY

.. vspace:: 1

A young New Yorker was in
Philadelphia recently to call upon a few
friends, expecting to return to New
York on a midnight train.  Being
detained longer than he had expected, he
determined to remain in the city all
night.  When he had been told in four
different first class hotels that there was
no room to be had he began to despair,
but at the fifth he was more successful.

"Not until tonight," he remarked to
the clerk at the hotel where he was
finally accommodated, "did I put any
stock in the saying that Philadelphia is a
great place to sleep in; but it must be,
seeing that people come here to pay
hotel rates for the privilege."




.. vspace:: 3

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   A NATURAL CONCLUSION

.. vspace:: 1

A bad little boy who lives in a suburb
of the city crawled under the bed the
other day when his mother wanted to
punish him.  She could not get him out
without considerable difficulty and
consequently decided to let him remain
there until his father returned in the
evening from the city.

When the father arrived and was told
of the trouble, he started to crawl under
the bed to bring out the disobedient
child, but was very much astonished
when the little fellow called out, "Hello,
is she after you, too?"




.. vspace:: 3

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   HIS APOLOGY

.. vspace:: 1

There was an old judge in Pennsylvania
whose decisions, in consequence of
numerous reversals, did not always
command universal respect.  One day in a
case on which he was sitting, one of the
lawyers lost patience at his inability to
see things in a certain light and, in the
heat of the moment, remarked that the
intellect of the Court was so dark that a
flash of lightning could not penetrate it.
For this contempt, the judge demanded
a public apology.  The following day
the lawyer accordingly appeared before
his honor and made amends by saying:

"I regret very much that I said the
intellect of the Court was so dark lightning
could not penetrate it.  I guess it could.
It is a very penetrating thing."




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   ALWAYS WANTED THE BEST

.. vspace:: 1

An old German couple, living in a
quiet town, had met slight financial
reverses which caused the wife considerable
worriment, while her better half was
inclined to take the matter philosophically
and make the best of the situation.  In
the course of her complaints, she one day
said:

"Ach!  I vish I vas dead."

"I don't," said her husband.  "I vish
I vas in a beer saloon."

"Dot's it!  Dot's it!" replied the
spouse.  "Dot's chust like you.  You
always vants de best."




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   ACCORDING TO WEIGHT

.. vspace:: 1

The scene was a crowded street car.
The car stopped and a very thin man
started to work his way out.  He had
great difficulty in squeezing through a
space between two very stout men and
at last got angry.

"People who ride on street cars ought
to pay according to weight," he snapped
to the conductor.

"If they did," answered one of the big
fellows good naturedly, "the car wouldn't
stop for you."




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   LARGE ENOUGH

.. vspace:: 1

One day last summer two small boys
were playing near the country road.  A
young lady approached them.

"Little boy," said she, "can you tell
me if I can get through this gate to the
pike?"

"Yes'm, I think so.  A load of hay
went through five minutes ago."




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   SO HE WOULD

.. vspace:: 1

Charlie Brown, aged ten years, has a
baby brother about three weeks old, of
which he is very proud.  A neighbor
who delights to tease met Charlie on the
street a few days ago and said to him:

"Charlie, what makes that baby over
at your house cry so much?  I never
heard a baby cry so often.  Why it cries
all the time."

Charlie looked at his interlocutor a
moment and replied:

"If you had no hair on your head,
and no teeth in your mouth, and your
legs were so weak you couldn't stand up,
I reckon you would feel like crying, too."




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   TO HELP HER ON

.. vspace:: 1

The following story is told of President
Roosevelt: Once he had to recite an
old poem beginning:

   |  "At midnight in his guarded tent,
   |    The Turk lay dreaming of the hour
   |  When Greece, her knee in suppliance bent,
   |    Should tremble at his power."
   |

He got only as far as "When Greece,
her knee," when he stopped.  Twice he
repeated "Greece, her knee" and then
he broke down.

The old professor beamed on him over
his glasses and remarked "Greece her
knee once more, Theodore.  Perhaps
she'll go then."




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   COMPARATIVE VALUES

.. vspace:: 1

Two elderly men recently met for the
first time in many years, and a part of
their conversation was overheard, as follows:

"And how many children have you, John?"

"Eight, five boys and three girls.
How many have you?"

"Ne'er a one.  Can't you spare me
one of yours?"

"No.  What I have, I wouldn't take a
million dollars apiece for; and," he
added reflectively, "I wouldn't give five
cents for another."




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   STRATEGICAL

.. vspace:: 1

General Joe Wheeler tells a story of
an Irishman who presented himself for
cavalry duty at the recruiting station at
Selma, Alabama, at the outbreak of the
Civil War.  He was very enthusiastic
but very raw and gave the fencing
master a great deal of trouble.  He began
to improve, however, after the eighth or
ninth lesson and his instructor, upon
obtaining a few satisfactory replies as to
thrusts, parries, etc., asked, "Now, Pat,
what would you do were your opponent
to feint?"

"Faint, is it?" came from the recruit.
"Why, shure and Oi'd tickle him wid
me sword to see if he was shammin'."




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   NO CAUSE FOR ANXIETY

.. vspace:: 1

"I wish, Susan," said a fond mother
to her new nursemaid, "that you would
use a thermometer to ascertain if the
water is the right temperature when you
give the baby his bath."

"Oh," replied Susan cheerfully, "don't
you worry about that.  I don't need
any thermometer.  If the little 'un turns
red the water is too hot, if he turns blue,
it's too cold and there you are."




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   HIS FUTURE STATE

.. vspace:: 1

A young city girl, teaching school for
a session in the country, was struggling
with the reading lesson.  She wrote the
word man on the blackboard and asked
a boy of six how the word was
pronounced.  The young hopeful said he
did not know.

"Now listen while I spell it," she
continued; "m-a-n.  What does that sound
like?"

"I don't know," the youngster
answered quite truthfully.

Still the teacher persisted.  "What
will they call you when you grow up?"
said she.

Then, a light suddenly breaking over
his face, the lad answered, "Why, pop."




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   A LOVE LETTER

.. vspace:: 1

A gentleman recently found the
following letter in the chamber of his negro
coachman who had lately been dismissed
from service:

"DEAR MR. GOINGS:--Last night I
dreamed that you and me was walking
in a garden full of beautiful flowers, lilies,
and roses, and pineys but you were the
beautifullest of all, Mr. Goings.  I would
risk my life crossing the ocean on a
spiderweb to kiss your sweet sugar lips.
Mr. Goings, let me give you a hint of
my love.  Please send me a bottle of
colone.

.. vspace:: 1

.. class:: noindent white-space-pre-line

   "From your lovingist,
       "LILLIE LUCINDA."




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   COULD NOT BE EXCHANGED

.. vspace:: 1

"Well, Bobbie," said a kindly old gentleman
to a little friend of his, aged five,
"what's new up at your house?"

"Nothin' much 'cept I've got a new
baby brother."

"You don't mean it!  Well, I suppose
you're very fond of him?"

"Nope; he's no good--yells all the time."

"Why don't you send him back?"

"Can't; we've used him four days already."

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   THE SOFT ANSWER

.. vspace:: 1

A clergyman visiting the house of one
of his parishioners caught a young lady
of the house in the act of curling her
hair with a curling iron.  He exclaimed,
"My dear young lady, if God intended
your hair to be curly He would curl
it Himself."

"He did curl it when I was little," she
replied, "but I am now grown up.  He
thinks I can take care of it myself."




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   CAME DOWN HARD

.. vspace:: 1

Freddie is a boy of five years and he
has a little brother who is just beginning
to walk.  The younger brother's name
is Frank and while Freddie likes him in
a certain way, his nose has been rather
out of joint since his arrival.  The other
day he said to his mother:

"Ma, did our baby come right from heaven?"

"Yes, my son," replied the mother.

"Well, then," said the young hopeful,
"I guess he must have lit on his feet;
that's what makes him so bow-legged."




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   KNEW HIS FATHER

.. vspace:: 1

A boy was asked by his teacher, if his
father borrowed from him one hundred
dollars and promised to pay him back at
the rate of ten dollars per week, how
much would his father owe him at the
of seven weeks.

The boy told the teacher one hundred
dollars.

"What!" said the teacher, "after
seven weeks!  From that, Johnny, I see
you know nothing about arithmetic."

"I may not know anything about
arithmetic, teacher," said the boy, "but I
know my father."




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   PHILADELPHIA BLOOD

.. vspace:: 1

A story is told of an old lady who has
lived all her life in Walnut Street, as have
generations of her family before her.
The other day she is said to have
consulted a young physician fresh from his
honors at the University of Pennsylvania.

"What do you think is the matter with
me?" asked the lady.

"I am inclined to think that your blood
is not pure, madam.  I'll have to give
you something to purify it."

"Sir!" said the old lady with dignity,
"you are probably not aware that I
belong to one of the oldest families in
Philadelphia."




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   SOUTHERN CHIVALRY

.. vspace:: 1

He was an old negro who had imbibed
some of the traditional Southern
politeness.  He was sitting in a crowded car
when a lady entered it and looked about
for a seat.  He immediately arose and,
bowing, offered her his place.  Scanning
his spare figure and white hair, she said:

"But I do not wish to deprive you of
your seat."

With chivalrous tone and a deep bow
he replied:

"There's no depravity, madam, no depravity."




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   KNEW HER TOUCH

.. vspace:: 1

The story is told of a citizen of a small
town in Pennsylvania who, in the early
days of the telephone, walked into a
country store where he saw the
instrument suspended from the wall.  Upon
being told what it was, he said he would
like to talk to his wife whom he had left
in a rage some hours before.  He picked
up the receiver, rang the bell, and said to
"Central":

"I want to talk to Sarah."

At that moment a severe storm
broke over the wires and knocked the
man down.  As he picked himself up,
he said:

"I know that's Sarah.  I can tell her
every time."




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   THE CHINESE RETORT

.. vspace:: 1

A city official was one of a party
which attended the funeral of a
Chinaman.  He exhibited a great deal of
interest in the curious services at the
grave, and noticed that, among other
things, a roasted duck was left there by
the departing mourners.  Calling one of
the Chinamen aside, he asked:

"Why did you leave that duck on the
grave?  Do you think the dead man will
come out and eat it?"

"Yeppee," replied the laundry-man,
"alle samee as le white deadee man come
out and smellee flowlers."




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   A PERSUASIVE LAWYER

.. vspace:: 1

A man in North Carolina was saved
from conviction for horse stealing by the
powerful plea of his lawyer.  After his
acquittal by the jury the lawyer asked:

"Honor bright, now, Bill, you did
steal that horse, didn't you?"

"Now look a here, judge," was the
reply, "I allers did think I stole that
horse, but since I heard your speech to
that 'ere jury, I'll be doggoned if I ain't
got my doubts about it."




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   NO HESITATION

.. vspace:: 1

A burly, broad-shouldered man passed
through the gates at the Central station
a few days ago and hurried with his two
solid-looking suit cases toward a Pullman
porter who stood stiffly and erect beside
the steps of a parlor car attached to the
train.  The passenger who was long on
suit cases but short on breath asked the
proud-looking porter:

"Does this train stop at Rahway?"

"No, sah," replied the negro in a
superior manner.  "This train do not
stop at Rahway, sah, it do not even
hesitate at Rahway."
BARBARIC

An elderly Quaker gentleman, riding
a carriage with a fashionable girl
decked with a profusion of jewelry, heard
her complaining of the cold.  Shivering,
in her lace gown and shawl as light as a
cobweb, she exclaimed: "What shall I
do to get warm?"

"I really don't know," replied the
Quaker solemnly, "unless thee should put
on another breastpin."




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   ABSENCE OF MIND

.. vspace:: 1

A devout and religious man is the
clergyman of a parish not twenty miles
south of Chicago.  His congregation was
somewhat amused at the singularity of
one of his announcements one evening
recently, which was as follows:

"Remember our communion services
next Sunday forenoon.  The Lord will
be with us during the morning service
and the Bishop in the evening."




.. vspace:: 3

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   WAITING FOR A FRIEND

.. vspace:: 1

In one of our large department stores
an obliging salesman had taken every roll
of cloth but one from the shelves to show
to a persistent woman.  The last roll was
on the top shelf.

"You needn't bother any more," she
replied to the weary clerk who was about
to reach for the remaining roll, "I was
simply waiting for a friend."

"Madam," said the clerk, "if you think
she's in the last roll, I'll gladly get it down
for you."




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   A LITTLE KNOWLEDGE

.. vspace:: 1

An old negro in a South Carolina town
was arrested for stealing chickens, and as
he bore a rather bad reputation it was
quite hard to secure counsel for him.  At
last a young lawyer, who had known
Rastus for a long time, took his case, to
the great joy of the old fellow.  At his
trial the judge asked him:

"Are you the defendant?"

The old fellow was perplexed for a
moment, and then replied:

"No, sah, dat's de defendant, sah,"
pointing proudly to his counsel, "I'se de
man wot stole de chickens."




.. vspace:: 3

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   WEATHER INFLUENCES

.. vspace:: 1

Two young lawyers, both trying to
make reputations as orators, happened to
be pitted against each other in argument.
Both spoke at great length, and in closing
the second speaker remarked that he was
sorry to find his brother on the wrong
side, for there was every reason why they
should agree.  "We were raised together,
we studied together, we were born on the
same day."

"Did I understand you to say that you
were born on the same day?" questioned
a listener.

"Yes," came the prompt reply.

"On the very same day?"

"Yes, sir."

"Then it must have been a very windy day."




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   HE FOUND A BETTER PLACE

.. vspace:: 1

Mark Twain, while at his summer
residence, prepared one evening to take a
drive, and expecting to remain out until
late, told the stable boy that he need not
wait for him.  He directed the fellow,
however, when he had finished his work
to lock the stable and place the key
under a stone, the location of which
Mr. Clemens described with much exactness.
When the humorist reached home after
his drive, he was surprised to find that the
key was not in the place selected.  When
his patience had been exhausted, he
awoke the boy, who explained, as he
started out to find the missing key:

"Mr. Clemens, I found a better place
to hide it!"




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   NOT WORTH THE PRICE

.. vspace:: 1

At a club in Washington one evening
a justice of the Supreme Court was
introduced to a well-known New York
business man who is given to boasting
of the large income he enjoys.

With the apparent purpose of impressing
those about him, the New Yorker
remarked that, as nearly as he could tell,
his income exceeded $100,000.  "I must
make as much as that," said he.  "Why
it costs me $80,000 a year to live."

"Dear me," remarked the justice
blandly.  "Really, that's too much!  I
wouldn't pay it--it isn't worth it!"




.. vspace:: 3

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   THE BAD BOY IN THE BACK SEAT

.. vspace:: 1

A teacher in one of the schools near
Philadelphia had one day been so much
disturbed by the buzzing of lips and
shuffling of feet of the children that she was
on the verge of distraction.  Finally she
said, "Children, I cannot stand so much
noise.  Please be quiet for a little while,
at least.  Let me see if you can't be so
still that you could hear a pin drop."

Instantly every child became as still as
a mouse, and the solemnity continued
until a little boy in a back seat piped out,
with marked impatience:

"Well, let her drop!"




.. vspace:: 3

.. class:: center medium bold

   NATURE NO RESPECTER OF DAYS

.. vspace:: 1

There is an excellent old lady, a strong
advocate of the enforcement of the Blue
Laws, who is very fond of the good
things of the table, and for this reason
she does her own marketing.  One Monday
morning found her, bright and early,
selecting some fine pears from her marketman.

"Are you sure," she asked, "that
these pears were not picked on Sunday?"

"I don't know 'bout that," said the
man, with a grin, "but I do know they
growed on Sunday."




.. vspace:: 3

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   WHAT THE AIR LACKS

.. vspace:: 1

It is said that Dr. S. Weir Mitchell,
returning late from a party in a neighboring
city, once awakened his son to tell
him a story he thought too good to keep
till morning.  A lady had been
introduced to him, and, considering him
scientific man, wished to direct her
conversation accordingly.

"Doctor," said she, "don't you think
the cause of so much sickness is the want
of sozodont in the air?"




.. vspace:: 3

.. class:: center medium bold

   CONSOLED

.. vspace:: 1

While speeding along the pike in his
automobile, McC---- saw a man and a
dog far ahead of him, the dog running in
and out of the bushes.  As he whizzed
past a moment later the dog darted out
ahead of the machine to bark at it, was
run over, and instantly killed.  McC----
stopped his machine and returned.

"I'm very sorry, sir," he said consolingly
to the man, "will that make it all
right?"  He held out a ten dollar bill.

"It will," replied the man, coolly taking
the money and putting it in his
pocket.

As the automobile flew down the road
he looked sympathetically at the remains
and soliloquized:

"Poor little devil!  I wonder whose
dog it was?"




.. vspace:: 3

.. class:: center medium bold

   FAVORED HIGH SALARIES

.. vspace:: 1

A country minister was one day talking
to one of his flock who ventured the
opinion that ministers ought to be better
paid.

"I am glad to hear you say that,"
the minister, "I am pleased that you
think so much of the clergy; and so you
think we should have bigger stipends?"

"Yes," said the old man, "ye see we'd
get a better class of men."




.. vspace:: 3

.. class:: center medium bold

   AN ENERGETIC VIDOCQ

.. vspace:: 1

A man who was "wanted" by the
police had been photographed in six
different positions, and the pictures were
duly circulated among the police.  A
few days after the set of portraits had
been issued, the chief of police in a
county town wrote to police headquarters of
the city in search of the malefactor as
follows:

"I duly received the pictures of the six
miscreants whose capture is desired.  I
have arrested five of them, and the sixth
is under observation and will be secured
shortly."




.. vspace:: 3

.. class:: center medium bold

   A LAWYER'S JOKE

.. vspace:: 1

Some time ago a well-known lawyer
remitted in settlement of an account to
the publisher of a paper in the West a
two dollar bill which was returned with
the brief statement: "This note is
counterfeit; please send another."

Two months passed before hearing
from the lawyer again, when he
apologized for the delay, saying:

"I have been unable until now to find
another counterfeit two dollar bill, but
hope the one now enclosed will suit,
professing at the same time my inability to
discover what the objection was to the
other, which I thought as good a
counterfeit as I ever saw."




.. vspace:: 3

.. class:: center medium bold

   HELPING THE HORSES

.. vspace:: 1

A gentleman riding on the front
platform of a down-town horse-car, noticed
standing beside him a tired-looking
Irishman who held a heavy bundle on his
shoulder.

"Why don't you set that bundle down
on the platform?" asked Mr. L----.

"Sure," said the Celt, "those poor
horses have all they can do to dr-rag the
car and the payple.  Oi'll carry the bundle."




.. vspace:: 3

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   DISCREDITED THE STORY

.. vspace:: 1

A well-known character in a small
town in New Jersey, having returned
after a year's absence, was accosted by
an acquaintance as follows:

"Hello, Bill, where in the world have I
you been?  I heard you were dead long ago."

"I heerd o' that meself," Bill replied,
"but I knowed it was a lie soon as I
heerd it."




.. vspace:: 3

.. class:: center medium bold

   A LAW-ABIDING CITIZEN

.. vspace:: 1

Representative H----, of Iowa, sent
some garden seeds to a constituent one
spring.  They were enclosed in one of
the regular franked government
envelopes, bearing the words: "Penalty for
private use three hundred dollars."  A
few days later, H---- received this letter:

"DEAR MR. H----: I don't know
what to do with those garden seeds you
sent me.  I notice it is three hundred
dollars fine for private use.  I don't want
to use them for the public; I want to
plant them in my private garden, and
can't afford to pay three hundred dollars
for the privilege.  Won't you see if you
can fix it so I can use them privately,
for I am a law-abiding citizen and do
not want to commit any crime."




.. vspace:: 3

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   CONVENIENT

.. vspace:: 1

Two Irishmen were arguing in regard
to the spiritualistic leanings of the late
Ferdinand J. Dreer.

"Well," said one, "he moight have
been a bit foolish an' belaved in banshee
an' the loike, but he knew enough to
have himself cr-remated."

"An' do yez be thinkin' that's a good
thing?" said the other.

"Why, mon, I do that!  Whin yez is
cr-remated yez can have the remains put
in a tin box and kerry thim ar-round in
your vist pocket wid yez."




.. vspace:: 3

.. class:: center medium bold

   THE RESPECTFUL SON

.. vspace:: 1

The obedient boy is a treasure, but in
trying to be polite he sometimes slips up.
The father of this lad had brought him
up to be courteous to his elders on all
occasions.  Upon going to a distant
school, his father had told him to
telegraph home "Yes," if he found everything
satisfactory and had arrived safely.
He did so, but the busy parent had
forgotten the arrangement and, being
puzzled, telegraphed back, "Yes,
what?"  The answer came, "Yes, sir."




.. vspace:: 3

.. class:: center medium bold

   A JOKE IN A SERIOUS PLACE

.. vspace:: 1

Certainly no one would think of reading
a dictionary for amusement or pleasure--as
the Irishman said, he would lose
the thread of the story in the great mass
of detail.  Nor would one expect to find
jokes in such a book, barring Mark
Twain's about the carbuncle.  But that
learned and otherwise serious dictionary,
the Century, contains at least one
laughable entry.

Under the word "question" is the
following:

"To pop the question--see pop."




.. vspace:: 3

.. class:: center medium bold

   INSIDE INFORMATION

.. vspace:: 1

A Christian Scientist, while walking in
the country, met a small boy sitting
under an apple-tree doubled up with pain.

"My little man," she said, "what is the
matter?"

"I ate some green apples," moaned
the boy, "and oh, how I ache!"

"You don't ache," answered the apostle
of Mrs. Eddy; "your pain is imagination.
It's all in your mind."

The boy looked up in grave astonishment
at such a statement and then
replied in a most positive manner:

"That's all right; you may think so,
but I've got inside information."




.. vspace:: 3

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   ADJOINING LAND

.. vspace:: 1

A man soliciting aid for foreign
missions, was refused with the reply: "I
don't believe in foreign missions.  I want
what I give to benefit my neighbors."

"Well," rejoined the caller, "whom
do you regard as your neighbors?"

"Why, those around me."

"Do you mean those whose land joins
yours?"

"Yes."

"How much land do you hold?"

"About five hundred acres."

"And how far through the earth do
you think you own?"

"Why, I have never thought of it
before, but I suppose I own half-way
down."

"Exactly.  I suppose you do; and I
want this money for the heathen whose
land adjoins yours at the bottom."




.. vspace:: 3

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   VAIN HOPES

.. vspace:: 1

The principal, in questioning the boys
of the lower classes of a school, asked
them many questions as to citizenship.
At last she came to an all-important
question.

"Now," she said slowly, "as every
boy has ambition, I would like to know
how many boys in this room would like
to be president of the United States?"

Every boy, save one, raised his hand.
The teacher looked in a surprised
manner at the little fellow whose hand
remained in his lap.

"Why, Bob," she exclaimed, "haven't
you any desire to become president of
this great country?"

"I'd like to, all right," replied Bob,
mournfully, "but 'tain't no use.  I'm a
Democrat."




.. vspace:: 3

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   AT THE FERRY

.. vspace:: 1

A colored man of Alabama who ran
a ferry was one day thus accosted by a
poor white man:

"Uncle Mose, I want to cross but
haven't got no money."

Uncle Mose scratched his head.

"Doan you got no money 't all?" he
queried.

"No," said the wayfaring stranger, "I
haven't a cent."

"But it done cost you but three cents,"
insisted Uncle Mose, "ter cross de ferry."

"I know," said the white man, "but I
haven't got three cents."

Uncle Mose was in a quandary.

"Boss," he said, finally, "I done tell ye
what, er man what's not got three cents
am jes' ez well off on dis side ob de ribber
as on de odder."




.. vspace:: 3

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   WELL SUPPLIED

.. vspace:: 1

Little Tommy sat away back in church
with his mamma.  It was his first
experience.  Everything was wonderful to him.
By and by the collection was taken, but
imagine the surprise of Tommy's mother
when the usher passed the plate to hear
Tommy say:

"No, thank you, sir, got some money
of my own."




.. vspace:: 3

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   A HUNGRY MULE

.. vspace:: 1

A young mule had been shipped on a
freight train to a farmer in Fauquier
County, Virginia.  A tag, with shipping
directions thereon, had been tied securely
around his neck with a rope, but, in the
course of the journey, the mule's hunger,
and natural depravity had tempted him
to chew up both tag and rope.  This
gave the negro brakeman great concern.
He hurried to the conductor in the
caboose.

"Marse George," he cried, "for de
Lawd, where yo' specs to put off dat
mule?  'E done eat up where 'es gwine."




.. vspace:: 3

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   WHY SNAKES WERE CREATED

.. vspace:: 1

Little Margie had spent all her life in
the country and, living near the mountains,
had frequently heard of the large
snakes to be found in the many holes
and crevices of their rocky slopes.  Her
mother, who was greatly afraid of the
reptiles, had one day remarked that she
could see no use for such loathsome
creatures and wondered why they were
created.

The next morning Margie sat in a
brown study, her chin upon her hand.
Presently, looking up, she said:

"Mamma, I know why God made snakes."

"Why, dear?" asked her mother.

"When He got through makin' the
world it was full of holes, so He made
snakes to fill up the holes," the child
explained.




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   FORGOT WHAT ELECTRICITY WAS

.. vspace:: 1

"Mr. Blank, can you tell us what
electricity is?"

Mr. Blank squirmed in his seat,
hemmed and hawed for a time, and
finally admitted:

"I did know, professor, but I've forgotten."

The professor gazed at the student
with an expression of unspeakable
sorrow.  Then he said sadly:

"Mr. Blank, you do not know what
you have done.  Alas! what a sad loss
to science!  You are the only man that
ever lived who has known what
electricity is--and you have forgotten."




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   NOT THE SAME

.. vspace:: 1

A young woman who had recently
taken charge of a small kindergarten,
entered a trolley car the other day, and as
she took her seat smiled pleasantly at a
gentleman sitting opposite.  He raised his
hat, but it was evident that he did not
know her.

Realizing her error, she said, in tones
audible throughout the entire car:

"Oh, please excuse me!  I mistook
you for the father of two of my children!"

She left the car at the next corner.




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   AT ANY COST

.. vspace:: 1

A darky preacher was lost in the
happy selection of his text, which he
repeated in vigorous accents of pleading.

"Oh, bredern, at de las' day dere's
gwine to be sheep an' dere's gwine to be
goats.  Who's gwine to be de sheep, an'
who's gwine to be de goats?"

A solitary Irishman who had been
sitting in the back of the church,
listening attentively, rose and said:

"*Oi'll* be the goat.  Go on; tell us the
joke, Elder.  Oi'll be the goat!"




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   NEIGHBORLY

.. vspace:: 1

Mrs. D---- decided to move into the
country for the summer, and was both
surprised and delighted to learn that an
old friend of hers resided in the same
place.  Meeting this friend on the street,
Mrs. D---- said:

"I am quite a near neighbor of yours
now; I have taken a house by the river."

"Oh, I do hope you will drop in some
day," replied the friend.




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   WAS HE ANSWERED?

.. vspace:: 1

A Bishop in full robes of office, with
his gown reaching to his feet, was teaching
a Sunday-school class.  At the close
he said he would be glad to answer any
questions.

A little hand went up, and he asked:

"Well, my boy?"

"Can I ask?" said the boy.

"Certainly," said the Bishop, "what is it?"

"Well," asked the boy, "is dem all
you've got on, or do you wear pants
under dem?"




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   NOT THAT KIND OF EGG

.. vspace:: 1

A vegetarian sitting next to a stranger
in a restaurant before long took occasion
to advertise his creed by telling him that
all meat was injurious, and that the
human diet should be strictly vegetarian.

"But," replied the stranger, "I seldom
eat meat."

"You just ordered eggs," said the
vegetarian.  "An egg is practically meat;
because it eventually becomes a bird."

"The kind of eggs I eat never become
birds," answered the stranger quietly.

"Good heavens!" cried the vegetarian.
"What kind of eggs do you eat?

"Principally boiled eggs," said the
stranger.




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   KNEW HIS BUSINESS

.. vspace:: 1

Two young men entered a café of a
well-known city hotel the other evening.
It happened that a new and very young
wine clerk was behind the bar and the
two customers resolved to have some fun
with him.

"Give me," said one, "a seltzer water."

"And I," said the other, "will have
some vicious water."

Without hesitating, the barkeeper
placed a bottle of absinthe before the last
man to order.

"What's this?" he asked.

"It's the most vicious of anything we
keep, sir," calmly replied the clerk.




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   HOW TO SAVE GAS BILLS

.. vspace:: 1

A city merchant who has a passion
for reading out-of-town newspapers and
also for answering many of the advertisements
he finds in them tells this on himself:

The other day he answered an advertisement
in one of the New York papers
stating that for one dollar a method for
saving gas bills would be sent.  In two
days he received a printed slip by mail
which read: "Paste them in a scrap-book."




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   A DIFFERENCE OF WORDING

.. vspace:: 1

A reader at the Free Library was
much offended at what was considered
the incompetency of the librarian of
whom she demanded a book called "Wait
a Minute."  The assistant protested she
had never heard of the volume, but the
inquirer insisted that a friend had read
the book and had returned it only the
day before.  A thorough search of the
catalogue failed to reveal the title
recorded so the unhappy reader had to
depart without it.  Later in the day, she
returned and apologized, saying the book
she wished was entitled "Tarry Thou
Till I Come."




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   THE MEANEST MAN

.. vspace:: 1

The following is a conversation overheard
between two small boys in a city
street not long ago.  The first boy said
to the second boy:

"Gee, your father must be dreadful
mean; he's a shoemaker and you have
to wear them old shoes."

The second boy answered, "You
needn't talk; your father is mean, too,
'cause he is a dentist and your baby's
only got one tooth."




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   TOO OLD TO LEARN

.. vspace:: 1

One of the students in an Eastern
university, wishing to turn an honest penny
during his vacation, decided to introduce
a new and popular cyclopædia into the
country districts.  Needless to say, he
had many queer and amusing experiences.
At one place he found an old
farmer working in the fields.

"I'd like to sell you a new cyclopædia,"
said the agent.

"Well, young feller," said the farmer,
"I'd like to have one, but I'm afeerd I'm
too old to ride the thing."




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   A NATURAL MISTAKE

.. vspace:: 1

Freddie went to the country with his
father and mother for a month's stay.
The lad had been always used to city
life, and naturally saw much in the
country that was new and surprising.  One
day a circus came to the village.  He
with the other boys, was permitted to
watch the circus men at work.

At luncheon he astonished the household
by exclaiming, "Oh, mamma! what
do you think?  I was over where they're
putting up the circus, and they're filling
the ring full of breakfast food."




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   A PRAYER FOR STRENGTH

.. vspace:: 1

At one of our theological seminaries
it is the custom for the students to take
their turns in asking a blessing before
meals.  Last term the meats had not
been as tender as the students thought
they should be, and the eyes of the
faculty were opened to the fact when one
day a young student offered the
following blessing:

"O Lord, give us strength to eat this meat!"




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   SORRY FOR THE QUEEN

.. vspace:: 1

An English professor wrote on the
blackboard in his laboratory:

"Professor Wilson informs his students
that he has this day been appointed
honorary physician to her Majesty, Queen
Victoria."

In the morning he had occasion to
leave the room, and found on his return
that some student-wag had added to the
announcement the words:

"God save the Queen."





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   FAMILIES SUPPLIED

.. vspace:: 1

Auntie (to her young niece): Guess
what I know, Mary.  There's a little
baby brother up-stairs!  He came this
morning when you were asleep.

Mary: Did he?  Then I know who
brought him.  It was the milkman.

Auntie: What do you mean, Mary?

Mary: Why, I looked at the sign on
his cart yesterday, and it said, "Families
supplied daily."




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   EMBARRASSING

.. vspace:: 1

A Philadelphia business man tells this
story on himself:

"You know in this city there are two
telephone companies," he said, "and in
my office I have a telephone of each
company.  Last week I hired a new
office boy, and one of his duties was to
answer the telephone.  The other day,
when one of the bells rang, he answered
the call, and then came in and told me I
was wanted on the 'phone by my wife.

"'Which one?' I inquired quickly,
thinking of the two telephones, of course.

"'Please, sir,' stammered the boy, 'I
don't know how many you have.'"




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   HIS ANSWER CORRECT

.. vspace:: 1

A young man was taking the civil
service examination, and was exasperated
at the irrelevance of some of the
questions.  One question was:

"How many British troops were sent
to this country during the American
Revolution?"

The young man shook his head for a
moment, and, much annoyed, wrote the
answer:

"I don't know, but a darned sight
more than went back."




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   THE LANDLADY'S INDIGNATION

.. vspace:: 1

"Well, how did you rest last night?"
asked the landlady of the new boarder.

"I didn't rest much," he replied, "I
was troubled all night with insomnia."

"Sir," was the landlady's indignant
comment, "I've never heard such a
complaint before in my twenty-two years
a housekeeper, and I'd have you know,
sir, I've had your betters as my boarders!
Moreover," she went on, as he
began to mumble an explanation, "I do
not believe you, sir, and am willing to
board you free if you find a single one
in that bed."




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   A TEMPERANCE SERMON

.. vspace:: 1

At a recent dinner, Colonel McC----
made a speech in which he said that his
frequent going to dinners tended to
impair his digestive apparatus.  He
concluded by saying that he was somewhat
in the position of the editor of the
country weekly who announced in one
issue of his paper:

"For the evil effects of intemperance,
see our inside."




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   BOOKS AND AUTHORS

.. vspace:: 1

A teacher in the Girls' High School
vouches for the story of an incident
which occurred during the examination
of one of her classes in English
literature.  One of the questions was:

"Give a quotation, name of book in
which it appears, and name of the author
of the book."

Here is the answer turned in by one
of the girls:

"The Lord's Prayer, the Bible, by God."




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   WHAT HE HAD READ

.. vspace:: 1

An unlettered Irishman's application
to the Court of Naturalization resulted
in the following dialogue:

Judge: "Have you read the Declaration
of Independence?"

Applicant: "No, sir."

Judge: "Have you read the Constitution
of the United States?"

Applicant: "No, sir."

Judge: "Have you read the history
of the United States?"

Applicant: "No, sir."

Judge: "No?  Well, what have you read?"

Applicant: "Oi have some red hair
on the back of me neck, your honor."




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   THE ELDER'S NEED

.. vspace:: 1

Bishop Potter tells of an incident that
occurred at a negro camp-meeting.  The
presiding elder had a voice like a
fog-horn and used it to the full in
exhortation.

"Lord," he prayed, "give us power!
Give us, Lord, power!  We want power,
oh, Lord!  Power is what we want--more
power!  Give us power we beseech Thee."

"Elder," came a voice from the seats,
"yo' is shuh wrong.  'Tain't power what
yo' need, but idees."




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   THE NUMBER INCOMPLETE

.. vspace:: 1

Perhaps he invented the story, but a
well-known photographer tells this for a
fact.  A woman entered his studio.

"Are you the photographer?"

"Yes, madam."

"Do you take children's pictures?"

"Yes, certainly."

"How much do you charge?"

"Three dollars a dozen."

"Well," said the woman, sorrowfully,
"I'll have to see you again.  I've only
got eleven."




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   NONE TO INJURE

.. vspace:: 1

It is told of a certain normal school
professor, that a student once asked him
whether peroxiding the hair is injurious
to the brain.

"No," replied the professor, positively.

"Why, I've heard it is," said the student.

"No," repeated the professor.  "Any
person who peroxides the hair hasn't
any brain to injure."




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   DOUBTFUL PRAISE

.. vspace:: 1

During the Civil War an old negro
was overheard praying.  "Oh, Lord," he
said, "bress the Union soldiers!  Bress
General Grant!  Oh, Lord, he is coming
down here to save us.  Oh, bress
General Grant!  He has a white face, but
he's got a black heart."




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   BRITISH PERSPICACITY

.. vspace:: 1

Charles Francis Adams was escorting
an English friend about Boston.  They
were viewing the different objects of
attraction and came finally to Bunker Hill.
They stood looking at the splendid
monument, when Mr. Adams remarked:

"This is the place, sir, where Warren fell."

"Ah!" replied the Englishman, evidently
not very familiar with American
history.  "Was he seriously hurt by his
fall?"

Mr. Adams looked at his friend.
"Hurt!" said he, "he was killed, sir."

"Ah! indeed!" the Englishman replied,
still eying the monument and
commencing to compute its height in his
own mind.  "Well, I should think he
might have been--falling so far."




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   A FUNNY DOG

.. vspace:: 1

Mildred is a bright little girl of six.
The other day she was with her mother
in the park when she saw a dog whose
species was entirely new to her.

That evening she thus described it to
her father:

"It was such a funny dog, father; it
looked about a dog and a half long, and
only half a dog high; and it had only
four legs, but looked as if it ought to
have six."

Needless to say, the father recognized
from her graphic description that
Mildred had seen a dachshund.




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   A LINCOLN STORY

.. vspace:: 1

In 1862 an intimate friend of President
Lincoln visited him in Washington, finding
him rather depressed in spirits as the
result of the reverses then repeatedly
suffered by the Federal troops.

"This being President isn't all it is
supposed to be, is it, Mr. Lincoln?" said
his visitor.

"No," Lincoln replied, his eye twinkling
for a moment.  "I feel sometimes
like the Irishman who, after being ridden
on a rail, said: 'If it wasn't for the honor
av th' thing, I'd rather walk.'"




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   MIGHT HAVE TAKEN IT

.. vspace:: 1

An old negro was taken ill and called
in a physician of his own race to prescribe
for him; but the old man did not seem
to improve, and eventually a white
physician was summoned.  Soon after his
arrival, Dr. ---- felt the old man's
pulse for a moment and then examined
his tongue.

"Did your other doctor take your
temperature?" he asked.

"I don't know, boss," the sick man
answered feebly, "I hain't missed
anything but my watch as yit."




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   A NEW LEAF IN THE BOOK

.. vspace:: 1

A New York man recently gained a
Missouri girl for his bride by the
elopement method.  The girl was somewhat
romantic, and when the ceremony had
been performed and the telegram sent
apprising her parents of what had taken
place, she looked soulfully up into the
eyes of her husband and said, "Dear, we
have added a leaf to our book of life
to-day, haven't we?"

"Yes," replied the happy groom, "I
guess it must be the fly-leaf."




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   A POWERFUL REMEDY

.. vspace:: 1

One day, while running a fox, Major
---- was violently thrown and rendered
insensible.  Until a doctor could
be procured, his old colored servant was
asked to care for him.  When the
doctor arrived, he found the major quietly
smoking on his veranda, and was curious
to know what medicine had effected such
miraculous results.  Uncle John, being
questioned, explained his mode of
treatment as follows:

"Massa bus' his insides an' I give him
allum an' rozum."

"What for?" asked the astonished
physician.

"De allum to draw de parts togidder
an' de rozum to sodder dem."




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   DAMAGES ENOUGH

.. vspace:: 1

An old colored woman was seriously
injured in a railway accident.  One and
all her friends urged the necessity of suing
the wealthy railroad corporation for damages.

"I 'clar' to gracious," she scornfully
replied to their advice, "ef dis ole nigga
ain't done git more'n nuff o' damages!
What I'se wantin' now and what I'se
done gwine to sue dat company foh is repairs."




.. vspace:: 3

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   COALS TO NEWCASTLE

.. vspace:: 1

A benevolent old gentleman one day
saw a rural-looking man sitting on a
stone wall swinging his legs and gazing
earnestly at the telegraph wires.  Going
over to the yokel he said:

"Waiting to see a message go 'long, eh?"

The man grinned and said, "Ay."

The benevolent old gentleman got on
the wall and for the next quarter of an
hour tried hard to dispel his ignorance.

"Now," he said at last, "as you know
something about the matter, I hope you
will spread your knowledge among your
mates on the farm."

"But I don't work on a farm," replied
the rural citizen.

"Where, then, may I ask?"

"Me and my mates are telegraph linesmen
and we are testing a new wire."




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   KNEW HOW TO GET IT

.. vspace:: 1

A prominent New Yorker has a wife
who is a model of all the domestic
virtues.  Among her accomplishments is a
talent for bread-making and she naturally
takes great pride in having her loaves
turn out well.  One evening after setting
her bread as usual, her eight-year-old son
came running up-stairs crying, "Mamma,
mamma, a mouse has jumped into your
bread pan!"

The good woman was much perturbed.
"Did you take him out?" she asked.

"No'm, but I did just as well.  I threw
the cat in, an' she's diggin' after him to
beat the band!"




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   STILL LOST

.. vspace:: 1

Sir C. Purdon Clarke, during his New
York visit, often went to the Metropolitan
Museum unaccompanied, and walked
homeward through Central Park.  One
afternoon, near the Obelisk, he saw a
scantily clad woman crying, and spoke to
her.

"I want to go to the Brooklyn bridge,"
she explained, "and I've lost my way."

Unaccustomed to New York street
mendicants, the London art enthusiast
supplied sympathy, directions as to route,
and a liberal allowance of car fare.  Three
days afterward he was stopped by the
same woman, who again wanted to go to
the Brooklyn bridge.

"Goodness gracious!" exclaimed Sir
Purdon, "haven't you got to the bridge yet?"




.. vspace:: 3

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   A STORY OF LLOYD OSBORNE

.. vspace:: 1

Lloyd Osborne, kinsman and collaborator
of Robert Louis Stevenson, called
on the cashier of a leading magazine one
day, after vainly writing several times for
a check due him.

"I am sorry," explained the cashier,
"but Colonel So-and-So who always signs
our checks, is confined at home with the
gout."

"But, my dear man," expostulated the
author-collector, "does he sign them with
his feet?"




.. vspace:: 3

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   DIDN'T MIND

.. vspace:: 1

"I suppose, Jerry," said the eminent
statesman, looking through his pocket-book
for a new dollar bill, "like a lot of
other folks nowadays, you would rather
have clean money?"

"Oh, that's all right, Senator," said the
cabman.  "I don't care how you made
your money."




.. vspace:: 3

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   NOT UP-TO-DATE

.. vspace:: 1

Thomas A. Edison is very fond of
children.  While on a visit recently he was
endeavoring to amuse the son of the
host, when the youngster asked him to
draw an engine.  Mr. Edison promptly
set to work, and, thinking it would please
the child, he added a couple of extra
smokestacks and several imaginary parts.
When the plan was completed the boy
eyed it critically; then he turned to the
inventor with disapproval in every feature.

"You don't know much about engines,
do you?" he said with infantile
frankness.  "Engines may have been that
way in your time, but they've changed a
whole lot since then."




.. vspace:: 3

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   LION AT LARGE

.. vspace:: 1

At a certain school, in the "jograffy"
class, the teacher had been at great pains
to define and impress upon the children
the meaning of the word "equator,"
defined as "an imaginary line which
surrounds the world."  When by repetition
they were thought to have it letter
perfect, she complimented them and told
them to repeat it at home, and surprise
their parents with the extent of their
knowledge.

"Uncle, have you ever seen a quator?"
said one little tot.

"No, my dear, I don't even know
what it is."

"Why, it's a menagerie lion that runs
round the world."




.. vspace:: 3

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   CHARACTERISTIC PORTRAITURE

.. vspace:: 1

A young man in a New England town
started in the livery business, and one of
the first things he did was to have a sign
painted representing himself holding a
mule by the bridle.  He was particularly
proud of this stroke of business
enterprise, and asked of his wife:

"Is that not a good likeness of me?"

"Yes," she replied, "it is a perfect
picture of you; but who is the fellow
holding the bridle?"




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   INNOCENCE ABROAD

.. vspace:: 1

An old Southern darky was sent for
the first time to the post-office to mail
four letters, and was told to buy stamps
for them.

"Boss," he said, looking in through
the stamp window, "how much do it tek
ter sen' fo' letters for Massa Johnson?"

"Eight cents," replied the clerk, from
within the window.

"Dat so?" interjected the negro.

"Yes, uncle."

The old darky took out a leather bag
and worried from it eight coppers.
Laying these on the counter, he said:

"Well, yo' c'n let 'em go 'long."

"But where are the letters?" asked
the clerk.

"Whar is day?  Why, I done drapt
'em in de hole 'roun' yonder."




.. vspace:: 3

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   DOUBTS

.. vspace:: 1

There was a darky in southern
Tennessee named Eph. Friday, who died a
short time ago.  Eph. was neither a
member of a church nor of a lodge and
thus had no one to deliver an address or
prayer at his burial.  At last an old
uncle consented to say a few remarks for
the departed soul.  As the coffin was
being lowered into the grave the old
uncle said to the assembled mourners:

"Eph. Friday, we trusts you hab gone
to de place whar we spects you ain't."




.. vspace:: 3

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   FOLLOWING INSTRUCTIONS

.. vspace:: 1

An army officer, in his expense list on
Government service, put down:

"Porter, ten cents."

The officer was requested to report to
the War Office, where he was told:

"While executing public duty refreshments
are not chargeable to the nation."

"The item does not represent refreshments,"
replied the officer, "but a fee to
a carrier."

"You should have said 'porterage,'"
was then explained to him.

When the officer had occasion to take
a hansom, remembering instructions, he
wrote in his accounts:

"Cabbage, fifty cents."




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   A CHEERFUL GIVER

.. vspace:: 1

Bobby's father had given him a ten-cent
piece and a quarter of a dollar, telling
him he might put one or the other
on the contribution plate.

"Which did you give, Bobby?" his
father asked when the boy came home
from church.

"Well, father, I thought at first I ought
to put in the quarter," said Bobby, "but
then just in time I remembered 'The
Lord loveth a cheerful giver,' and I knew
I could give the ten-cent piece a great
deal more cheerfully, so I put that in."




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   INHERITED

.. vspace:: 1

Vincent was altogether too garrulous
in school to please his teachers.  Such
punishments as the institution allowed to
be meted out were tried without any
apparent effect upon the boy, until at last
the head master decided to mention the
lad's faults upon his monthly report.

So the next report to his father had
these words:

"Vincent talks a great deal."

Back came the report by mail duly
signed, but with this written in red ink
under the comment:

"You ought to hear his mother."




.. vspace:: 3

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   AN EXAMPLE

.. vspace:: 1

The teacher was explaining to her
scholars the meaning of the word
"transparent."  "Anything," she said, "is
called transparent that can be seen
through.  Now, Willie, can you give me
an example?"

"Yes, ma'am," replied the boy.  "A
hole in the fence at the baseball grounds."




.. vspace:: 3

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   POINT OF VIEW

.. vspace:: 1

A Wilkesbarre woman recently engaged
as nurse a Scotch girl just come
to this country.

It appears that one Sunday the lady
induced the nurse, who is the strictest
sort of Presbyterian, to attend a beautiful
church just erected in Wilkesbarre.

When the girl returned her mistress
asked her if she hadn't found the church
a fine one.

"Yes, ma'am," responded the girl, "it
is very beautiful."

"And the singing," said the lady,
"wasn't that lovely?"

"Oh, yes," replied the nurse, "it was
very lovely, ma'am, but don't you think
it's an awful way to spend the Sabbath?"




.. vspace:: 3

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   PAY INCREASED TO $4 RIGHT AWAY

.. vspace:: 1

The boss was bending over a table,
looking at the directory.  The new office
boy slipped up quietly and poked a note
into his hand.  The surprised boss opened
it and read:

"Honored Sir--Yer pants is ripped."




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   OUT OF THE MOUTHS OF BABES

.. vspace:: 1

"Why, Mabel," said a mother to her
four-year-old daughter, "you've got one
of your stockings on wrong side out."

"I put it on that way," explained the
little miss, "'cause there's a hole on the
other side."




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   FOR ALL POSSIBLE EMERGENCIES

.. vspace:: 1

"This is glorious!" exclaimed the fair
maid, as the automobile struck a smooth
stretch of country road, and the young
man let the machine go at full speed.
"But who are those two men that have
been following us in a runabout all
morning?"

"Never mind them," he replied.  "One
is the repair man, and the other's the
surgeon."




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   TIME FOR CHANGE

.. vspace:: 1

Not long ago three scientific gentlemen
from an Eastern institution visited a
certain Montana mine.  One of the men
was evidently of a most nervous temperament,
and on the ascent, by means of the
usual bucket, he thought he perceived
signs of weakness in the rope by which
the bucket was suspended.

"How often," inquired he of the
attendant, when the party was about
half-way up, "how often do you change these
ropes?"

"Oh, about every three months," carelessly
replied the attendant.  Then he
added thoughtfully, "We'll change this
one to-morrow, if we get up safely."




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   INCOME DWINDLED

.. vspace:: 1

An old negro who had been working
for a cotton planter for many years, came
to his employer and said:

"I'se gwine to quit, boss."

"What's the matter, Mose?"

"Well, sah, yer manager, Mistah Wintah,
ain't kicked me in de las' free mumfs."

"I ordered him not to kick you any
more.  I don't want anything like that
around my place."

"Ef I don't git any more kicks I'se
gwine to quit.  Every time Mistah
Wintah used to kick and cuff me when he
done git mad, he always git 'shamed of
hisse'f and gimme a quarter.  I'se done
los' enuff money a'ready wid dis heah
foolishness 'bout hurtin' mah feelin's."




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   GETTING EVEN

.. vspace:: 1

A young bride was recently invited to
a bridge luncheon, and after spending a
delightful afternoon was told by her
hostess that she was in debt to the
amount of seventy-five dollars.

Mrs. ----, unaware that she had
been playing for money, mournfully
confided her woes to her husband, and he
immediately wrote a check for seventy-six
dollars and fifty cents and sent it to
the hostess.

The hostess, believing that a mistake
had been made, informed him that he
had sent a dollar and a half too much.
Mr. ----, however, returned it with
the curt statement that the seventy-five
dollars settled the bridge score, and the
balance was for his wife's luncheon.




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   CHARGED THE JURY

.. vspace:: 1

By some peculiar election twist, an old
negro was elected a justice of the peace
in the backwoods of Georgia.

His first case happened to be one in
which the defendant asked for a trial by
jury.  When the testimony was all in
and the argument had been concluded,
the justice seemed somewhat
embarrassed.  Finally one of the lawyers
whispered to him that it was time to
charge the jury.  Looking at the jury
with a grim, judicial air, the judge said:

"Gentlemen ob de jury, sense dis is a
very small case, I'll jes' charge y'all a
dollar an' a ha'f a-piece."




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   SHOULD BE FAMILIAR

.. vspace:: 1

General Horace Porter told the following:

"In the mountains of New Hampshire
I met one of the colored troops,
who was still fighting nobly, driving a
stage on a county route, and asked him,
'What is your name?'

"'George Washington, sah.'

"I said: 'That is a name that is well
known to everybody in this country.'

"'I reckon, sah, it ought to be.  I'se
been drivin' heah evah since da wah.'"




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   HE COULD CURE IT

.. vspace:: 1

Dr. William Osler, of Johns Hopkins
and Oxford, tells this story:

An old darky quack, well known in a
certain section of the South, was passing
the house of a planter whose wife was
reported to be dangerously ill.  Stopping
at the gate he called to one of the hands:

"I say, Rastus, how's the missus?"

"Well," replied Rastus, "the doctah
done say dis mawnin' dat she convalescent."

"Humph!  Dat ain't nothin', chile,"
said the old quack, with an air of superior
wisdom.  "Why, I've done cured convalescence
in twenty-foah hours!"




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   THE NEW NATURAL HISTORY

.. vspace:: 1

A hard-working fancy dealer had
ransacked the whole shop in his efforts to
please an old lady who wanted to purchase
a present--"anything real nice"--for
her granddaughter.  For the fifteenth
time she picked up and critically examined
a neat little satchel.

"Are you quite sure that this is
genuine alligator skin?" she inquired.

"Positive, madam," quoth the dealer.
"I shot that alligator myself."

"It looks rather soiled," said the lady.

"That, madam, is where it struck the
ground when it tumbled off the tree."




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   DURABILITY WANTED

.. vspace:: 1

A New York editor tells a story of a
man who was the father of twelve
children, all of whom had been rocked to
sleep by the same toe and in the same
cradle.  The toe stood it all right, but
the cradle had begun to show signs of
wear toward the end of the rocking
period of the twelfth.

"John," said the wife one day, looking
fondly at the cradle at her side, "this
old cradle has done good service, but it
is about worn out.  I am afraid it is
nearly gone!"

"That's right," assented the husband.
Reaching into his pocket he pulled out a
ten dollar bill.  "Here you are.  Next
time you go to the city get a new one.
Get a good one this time; one that'll last."




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   MEN NOT EQUAL

.. vspace:: 1

Some years ago the Chief Justice of
the United States found that the tire of
one of his wheels was loose and kept
slipping off.  Coming to a little stream
he drove into it and got one little section
of the wheel wet; then drove out and
backed his horse, and the same part of the
wheel went into the water again.  Thus
he kept going backward and forward, all
the time wetting the same part of the
wheel.

A negro saw the situation and told the
justice to back into the water again.  He
did so, and the negro took hold of the
spokes of the wheel and, turning it slowly,
soon had it wet all around.

"Why, I never thought of that," cried
the chief justice.

"Well," replied the darky, "some men
just nat'ly have more sense than others."




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   CRUELTY OF SCIENCE

.. vspace:: 1

A little boy was once given two
images of plaster, coated on the outside
with pink sugar.  He wanted to eat the
images, but he was warned on no
account to do so.

"They are poison," he was told.  "If
you eat them, it will kill you."

However, the boy was dubious.  He
been cheated before this by grown-up
people.  Finally he had a young friend
to spend the day with him, and that
night it was discovered that one of the
images had disappeared.  His mother,
nearly frantic, rushed to him.

"Harold," she said, "where is that
pink image?"

Harold frowned, as he answered defiantly:
"I gave it to Richard, and if he's
alive to-morrow, I'm going to eat the
other one myself."




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   A LITERAL SCHOLAR

.. vspace:: 1

A professor of the Cornell Law School
tells the following story of a student in
one of his freshmen classes:

The members of the class had been
answering questions in moot-court, and
the subject under discussion was a cow
which had been killed by a railway train.
Each student was required to fill out a
paper on the case.

"This brilliant youth," says the professor,
"wrote with all seriousness after
'Disposition of the Carcass': 'Mild and
gentle.'"




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   ESTABLISHED HIS IDENTITY

.. vspace:: 1

In a Kentucky court room, a prominent
lawyer of that state was defending
a prisoner charged with horse stealing,
and a witness was swearing as to the
identity of the stolen horse.

"How do you know this is the same
horse?" asked the lawyer.

"Why, I just know it is," said the
witness.

"Well, how?" again asked the man of law.

"I can't tell exactly how; but I know
it is as well as I know that you are
General H----."

"Well, how do you know that I am
General H----?"

"Because just before dinner I heard
Mr. C---- say, 'General H----, let's go
and take a drink, and you went."




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   WAS REMARKED BEFORE

.. vspace:: 1

A certain good clergyman was once
riding in a city street-car, and when
passing a large and very handsome church a
fellow-passenger turned to him and said:

"If these Christians would stop building
fine churches and give the money
to the poor, it would be more to their
credit."

"I've heard that remark before," was
the quiet rejoinder.

"Indeed! and by whom, may I ask?"

"Judas Iscariot!" was the crushing answer.




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   A NOVEL PULPIT

.. vspace:: 1

A Washington correspondent of a
religious paper recently assigned to the
Rev. Dr. S---- a rather novel pulpit.
The Doctor had preached from the text,
"The gates of hell shall not prevail
against you."  He must have been not
a little surprised, if he saw the account
of the sermon, to read in the words of the
correspondent, "Dr. S---- then preached
from the gates of hell."





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   CAUGHT IN HIS OWN NET

.. vspace:: 1

Mr. S---- was counsel in a will case
for the contestants, who were endeavoring
to show that the testator was of
unsound mind.  One of the dead man's
friends was being examined.

"Did not the old man talk to himself
when he was alone?" interrogated the
lawyer.

"I do not know," replied the witness.

"What!" exclaimed the attorney,
"you do not know, and yet you claim
to be an intimate friend of his!  How
can you explain your ignorance of this
fact?"

"Because," replied the man, undisturbed,
"I was never with him when he
was alone."




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   WHAT SHE WANTED

.. vspace:: 1

An old lady on her first railroad trip
remarked the bell cord overhead, and
was told by a mischievous boy that it
was to ring when it was desired to get
anything to eat.

Shortly afterward the old lady reached
her umbrella up to the cord and gave it
a vigorous pull.  The whistle sounded,
brakes were put on, the train began
to slacken its speed.  Presently the
conductor came rushing through the train
and asked:

"Who pulled the bell?"

"I did," replied the old lady, meekly.

"Well, what do you want?" snapped
the official, impatiently.

"You may bring me some ham sandwiches
and a cup of tea, if you will."




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   NO WONDER

.. vspace:: 1

A certain well-known scientist in
Washington was left in charge of his
family of small children, as his wife
expected to be absent some hours.  Upon
her return in the early evening she found
the house unusually quiet, and wished to
know what had become of the children.

The husband explained that, as they
had been rather noisy he himself had put
them to bed without waiting for her return.

"I hope they gave you no trouble,"
she said.

"No," replied the scientist, "with the
exception of the one in the cot here.
He objected a good deal to my undressing
him and putting him to bed."

The wife went to inspect the cot.

"Why," she exclaimed, "that's little
Sammy from next door!"




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   WAS IT MONEY HE WANTED?

.. vspace:: 1

A professor in a Washington law
school had occasion to illustrate to his
class the smallness of the world.
"Gentlemen," he said, "let me state my own
experience.  While in Paris last summer
I met a man from my own home town;
then again in Venice I met him; and
again in London.  This year while
visiting Yellowstone Park, I met him again,
and----"

"I say, professor," broke in one of the
class, "wouldn't it have been better to have
paid the man instead of keeping him
following you that way?"




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   REVERSED BLACKSTONE

.. vspace:: 1

A certain justice of the peace in a
Western town had reached a conclusion
as to a question of law highly satisfactory
to himself.  He refused to entertain
an argument by the opposing counsel.

"If your honor pleases," counsel
pleaded, "I should like to cite a few
authorities upon the point."

"The court knows the law and is
thoroughly advised in the premises,"
snapped the justice.

"It was not," continued counsel, "with
an idea of convincing your honor that
you were wrong, but I did want so much
to show you what a fool old Blackstone was."




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   VALUE OF ADVERTISING

.. vspace:: 1

At a recent political meeting, the
speakers were much disturbed by a man
who called constantly for a Mr. Henry.
Whenever a new speaker came on this
man bawled out, "Henry!  Henry!  I
call for Mr. Henry!"

After several interruptions of this kind,
a very young man ascended the platform
and began to speak, when again came the
call for Mr. Henry.  The chairman now
arose and remarked that it would oblige
the audience if the gentleman would refrain
from any further calls, as Mr. Henry
was now speaking.

"Is that Mr. Henry?" cried the
disturber of the meeting.  "Why, that's
the little cuss that told me to holler!"




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   A PAT RETORT

.. vspace:: 1

A young Western man applied to
Richard Olney, when Secretary of State,
for the position of consul at one of the
smaller Chinese ports.

"Are you aware, Mr. Blank, that I
never recommend to the President the
appointment of a consul unless he speaks
the language of the country to which he
desires to go?  Now, I suppose, you do
not speak Chinese?"

Whereupon the Westerner grinned
broadly.  "If, Mr. Secretary," said he,
"you will ask me a question in Chinese,
I shall be happy to answer it."

He got the appointment.




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   THEORY AND PRACTICE

.. vspace:: 1

"There is a woman of my acquaintance,"
says a physician, "who has more
ideas with respect to scientific hygiene
than has a whole colony of physicians.
She is unmistakably 'up' on microbes
and bacteria.

"A friend was one day engaged in
conversation with this lady, which
incidentally touched upon her hobby, when the
little girl of the household appeared.

"'Mamma,' said she, 'I would like to
go over to Katharine's for a minute.'

"'And why?' asked the mother.

"'Oh,' explained the scientifically
reared youngster to the utter horror of
her careful mother, 'I lent her my
chewing gum yesterday, and now I want it
myself.'"




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   AS HE UNDERSTOOD IT

.. vspace:: 1

"During the taking of a religious
census of the District of Columbia one
winter," relates a Representative from
Tennessee, "a couple of young ladies
who were engaged in the work stopped
at my home on Capitol Hill, and when
the bell rang it was answered by the
negro boy I brought from Tennessee
with me.  One of the ladies asked him:

"'Will you please tell me who lives
here?'

"'Yessum; Mistah Johnsing,' was the
answer.

"'Is he a Christian?'

"'No, ma'am.  He's er Congressman
from Tennersee.'"




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   "OF COURSE"

.. vspace:: 1

A husband had given his wife a sum
of money and shown her how to deposit
it in the bank, and how to pay her little
bills thereafter with checks.  About a
month later she came to him in a high
state of indignation.

"Harry," she said, "the other day the
bank sent me a note saying I had overdrawn
my account and they wanted five
dollars and a quarter to balance it.  I
sent it to them right away, but they were
not satisfied.  They are still bothering me."

"You say you sent the five and a quarter?"

"I did, that very day," said she.

"That's strange," he commented;
"how did you send it?"

"Why, I sent them a check, of course."




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   HOW TO FOOL THEM

.. vspace:: 1

It had long been the custom of a certain
Vassar professor to call on the young
ladies at recitations in alphabetical order,
and it did not take the girls long to
figure out just when their turns would
come, and neglect or prepare the lessons,
accordingly.  After years of this system
the professor was grieved to find out
how the young Portias were taking
advantage of him.  He chided the girls
severely, adding:

"Since you are not to be trusted, I
shall fool you by abolishing the old
method.  Hereafter I shall begin at the
end of the alphabet and go backward."




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   WANTED TO DRESS LIKE THE OTHERS

.. vspace:: 1

Little Elizabeth was allowed to stand
on the landing and feast her eyes on the
handsome women in evening dress at her
mother's party.  Presently she beckoned
to her mother and anxiously asked:

"Mother, may I take off my guimpe?"

"Mercy, no," said her mother; "it is
the middle of winter and you would take
your death of cold."

"Well," said the child, regretfully,
"look there; nearly all the ladies have
theirs off."




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   EVENING UP ACCOUNTS

.. vspace:: 1

During the South African War, letters
sent home by British soldiers had to
pass through the hands of a censor.  A
certain private had sent four or five letters
home, and portions had been obliterated
by the censor and were therefore illegible
on their arrival at their destination.  He
decided to even accounts with the censor,
and at the foot of the next letter he
wrote: "Please look under the stamp."

At the censor's office the letter was
opened and read as usual.  The officer
in charge spent some time in steaming
the stamp from the envelope, but his
feelings can be better imagined than
described when he read these words:

"Was it hard to get off?"




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   WALKER BLAINE'S ADVICE

.. vspace:: 1

In the days of the old University Club
at Washington, there was a certain
objectionable person who had succeeded in
gaining admission to the club, in spite of
its exclusiveness.  One day this vulgarian
became extremely noisy in the card-room;
so much so that a certain indignant
member of the club blurted out:

"See here!  If you'll resign from this
organization I'll give you five hundred
dollars."

The objectionable person left the room
in high dudgeon.  Chancing to meet on
the stairway Walker Blaine, the son of
the then Secretary of State, the aggrieved
man related the incident, adding: "Now
what shall I do about this?"

"I would advise you to stand pat,"
replied Mr. Blaine.  "I think he will
make it a thousand dollars."




.. vspace:: 3

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   THE CANNY SCOT

.. vspace:: 1

In an English railway compartment
two travelers were seated--an American
and a keen-eyed old Scotchman.

When the guard came to take up their
tickets, the latter had great difficulty in
locating his.  He kept the official
waiting so long, while he rummaged through
his many pockets, that the ticket taker
went on his way, saying that he would
come back to find out the result of the
search.

When the guard had gone the American
saw the lost piece of cardboard
protruding from the old fellow's mouth and
promptly notified its owner, thinking it
a case of absent-mindedness.

Whereupon the wily Scot rejoined:
"Don't you think I know it?  But the
ticket's a month old, and I'm a-suckin'
off the date."




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   HER "KISMET"

.. vspace:: 1

A fashionable woman had a bit of
statuary bearing the inscription
"Kismet."  A housemaid dusting the room
asked the mistress:

"Shure, m'am, what's the m'anin' of
the 'ritin' on the bottom of this?"

"Oh, you mean 'Kismet.'  It means
'fate,'" replied the mistress.

Bridget was limping painfully when
out with her sweetheart not long
afterward, and he asked: "What's the
matter, Bridget?"

"Faith," was the answer, "I have the
most terrible corns on me kismet."




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   GOOD REASON

.. vspace:: 1

Representative Adamson, of Georgia,
says that when he was judge of his county
court a fellow was before him charged
with having stolen a pair of pantaloons--they
call them "britches" in Georgia.
There were several witnesses, but the
evidence was rather meagre, and the
accused was acquitted.  He was told that
he could go, but he remained in his seat.
His lawyer, to whose successful defense
he owed his liberty, hinted to him that
he was free to depart, but he didn't budge.

"I don't want to go," said the fellow.

"And why?" asked the lawyer.

"Let the witnesses go first."

"Why?"

"Why, sir, I've got on the 'britches'
I stole."




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   WISE CHILD

.. vspace:: 1

Down at the seashore small Miss
Margery, aged four, was walking along the
bluff with a friend of her mother's, who
had accompanied the family on a day's
outing.

"Don't go so near the edge," cautioned
the child's companion, as the
venturesome little one frolicked in the
dangerous places, and as the advice was
unheeded, added: "It won't be my fault
if you fall over."

"No," said Margery, "but you'll be
the one blamed for it."




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   SIMILAR KIND

.. vspace:: 1

"Now, boys," said the schoolmaster
during an examination in geography,
"what is the axis of the earth?"

Johnny raised his hand promptly.

"Well, Johnny, how would you describe it?"

"The axis of the earth," said Johnny,
proudly, "is an imaginary line which
passes from one Pole to the other, and
on which the earth revolves."

"Very good," exclaimed the teacher.
"Now, could you hang clothes on that
line, Johnny?"

"Yes, sir," was the reply.

"Indeed," said the examiner, a little
disconcerted, "and what sort of clothes?"

"Imaginary clothes, sir."




.. vspace:: 3

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   HIS WANTS

.. vspace:: 1

"Would ye be so kind, ma'm, as to let
me have a needle and thread?" asked the
tramp.

"Why, yes," said the housewife, "I
can let you have that."

"Thank ye, ma'm.  Now, could ye let
me have a bit of cloth for a patch?"

"Yes, here is some."

"Thank ye very much.  It's a diffirunt
color from my suit, I see; but p'r'aps ye
could spare some of your husband's old
clothes that this patch will match."

"Well, I declare!  You're clever.  I
guess I'll have to give you a suit."

"Thank ye greatly.  I see it's a little
too large, ma'm, so would ye kindly
furnish me with a good meal to see if I
can fill it?"




.. vspace:: 3

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   MIGHT NOT USE IT

.. vspace:: 1

A salesman was sent to call on
Mr. C----, "the meanest rich man in
town," to try to induce him to purchase
a lot in the new cemetery.  In a half
hour he was back again.

"Couldn't get him, eh?" said the
superintendent.

"No," said the salesman.  "He admitted
that the lots were fine ones, but
he said that if he bought one he might
not get the value of his money in the end."

"Why," said the superintendent,
"there's no fear of that.  The man will
die some day, won't he?"

"Yes," said the salesman, "but he
says he might be lost at sea."




.. vspace:: 3

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   CAUSE FOR MIRTH

.. vspace:: 1

A professor in a certain college was
giving his students a lecture on
"Scotland and the Scots."  "These hardy
men," he said, "think nothing of
swimming across the Tay three times every
morning before breakfast."

Suddenly a burst of laughter came
from the centre of the hall, and the
professor, amazed at any one daring to
interrupt him in the middle of his
discourse, angrily asked the offender what
he meant by such unruly conduct.

"I was just thinking, sir," replied the
student who laughed, "how the poor
Scots would get their clothes after
making the third trip across."




.. vspace:: 3

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   NOT SO REMARKABLE

.. vspace:: 1

A school teacher who was giving a
lesson on "food" was interrupted by
one of his pupils.

"Please, sir," he said, "Jimmy says he
knew a baby that was brought up on
elephant's milk, and it gained ten pounds
in weight every day."

"James ought not to tell you such
rubbish," said the teacher.  "Whose
baby was it that was brought up on
elephant's milk?"

"Please, sir," answered Jimmy, "it was
the elephant's."




.. vspace:: 3

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   NOT LITERALLY INTENDED

.. vspace:: 1

A good old Methodist, obliged to
remain in the city over Sunday, started out
to attend service in one of the churches
of his own faith; but losing his way, and
seeing an open church door just across
the street, he entered there, not knowing
to what creed the congregation held.  As
the service progressed, his religious
emotions waxed warmer and warmer, until he
finally gave vent to them by shouting
out, "Praise God!"

Immediately one of the ushers tapped
him on the shoulder, saying, "You can't
do that in this church, sir."




.. vspace:: 3

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   NOT POSSIBLE

.. vspace:: 1

The day was warm, the children
restless, the teacher impatient.  One
curly-haired boy was moving his jaws faster
with chewing-gum than his brain had
ever been known to work.  His feet
were in the aisle.  A smile was on the
face of more than one pupil when the
teacher said:

"Take that gum out of your mouth
and put your feet in."




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   ALL HIS WEALTH

.. vspace:: 1

It was at a fashionable wedding in
Savannah.  The bridegroom had no
visible means of support save his father,
who was rich; but when he repeated
that portion of the service he said
boldly:

"'With all my worldly goods I thee
endow!'"

Whereupon the father said in a stage
whisper that could be heard all over the
church:

"Heavens!  There goes his bicycle!"




.. vspace:: 3

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   WERE PREJUDICED

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It is known that a jury, theoretically,
is composed of a set of unprejudiced men
with open minds, still there may be
occasions when a slight personal feeling
invades their ranks.  Such was evidently
the thought borne in upon the tailor
who, rising to state his case, and having
declined the services of a lawyer for
reasons best known to himself, looked over
the jurymen and then turned to the
judge.

"It's no use for me to tell you about
this case, your honor," he said, dejectedly,
"not unless you dismiss that jury
and get in a new lot.  There isn't a man
among 'em but owes me something for
clothes."




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   KNEW HIS AUDIENCE

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Bishop Ames tells a story of a slave
master in Missouri in the olden time of
negro vassalage, who said to his chattel:

"Pompey, I hear you are a great
preacher."

"Yes, massa, de Lord do help me
powerful sometimes."

"Well, Pompey, don't you think the
negroes steal little things on the
plantation?"

"I'se mighty 'fraid they do, massa."

"Then, Pompey, I want you to preach
a sermon to the negroes about stealing."

After a brief reflection, Pompey replied:

"You see, massa, dat wouldn't never
do, 'cause 'twould trow such a col'ness
over de meetin'."




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   LOVE OF ACCURACY

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Mark Twain had an aged negro
servant, who some time ago celebrated his
wedding anniversary by inviting in
twelve friends to a 'possum dinner.
Twelve by no means marked the extent
of the servant's friends, and those unbidden
to the feast concluded that, after all,
they did not think much of it.  One of
the more progressive started the report
that instead of 'possum the host served
plain coons.

The next day Mr. Clemens said to the
servant, "Jim, I've found you a truthful
fellow.  I want you to tell me honestly
which you had for dinner last night,
'possum or coons?"

The old servant hesitated, but in an
instant said, "Which do you mean, Mistah
Clemens, on the table or around the
table?"




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   NON-UNION LABOR

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A bookseller in Oklahoma purchased
a lot of books at a sale.  Finding several
sets of Charles Dickens's works in this
stock, he decided to make a special price
on them, so he put all of them in the
large show window, with the following
sign in very large letters:

"Charles Dickens Works All Week
for Two Dollars."

A Kansas farmer who had drifted
down that way walked up to this
window.  Reading the sign he said:

"Now, that's what's the matter with
this country.  The idea of a man
working all week for two dollars."




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   A WEALTH OF MEANING

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This is told of a Philadelphian whose
mother-in-law was alarmingly ill.  One
night a physician who was attending her
shook his head and said, impressively:

"She has got to go to a hot climate.
Mind, I don't mean a warm place, but a
hot one."

The son-in-law disappeared, but soon
emerged from the cellar carrying an axe.
Handing it to the doctor, he exclaimed:

"Here, Doc, you do it; I can't."

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